Posts Categorized: Help for Trauma

What His Anger is Really Hiding

Posted March 15th, 2018 | Michelle Hollomon

If you love a man with anger problems, you have probably felt hurt and overwhelmed by his behavior at times. Maybe you wonder if you could have done something to prevent the angry outburst. Maybe you feel responsible to control or pacify his temper. Women who are married to men with anger problems can feel desperate for them to change but powerless to do anything about it.

fight on phone

Anger can feel scary, mean, and even threatening. When a woman feels the full force of her husband’s anger, a deep abandonment, coupled with fear occurs in the psyche. This abandonment/fear mechanism inside a woman can have a traumatizing affect leaving her with primal response of fight/flight/freeze. If you’ve ever been in this situation, you know the feeling I mean. You realize how utterly vulnerable you are to the man you love and who you trust to love you back.

When I see couples where the husband presents with anger problems, I try to understand exactly what’s going on. Sometimes, the anger is really a secondary response to other untreated problems. The untreated problems have been stuffed, hidden, repressed, and denied for so long, they turn into unpredictable anger outbursts affecting the family and the marriage.

mental head

The Problems that Masquerade as Anger

Untreated ADD: people with Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder often have difficulty with emotional and mental self-regulation. When uncomfortable emotions are experienced, people with untreated ADHD often lack the inhibitory capacity to censor emotional reactions. Combine impulse control with rage and you can see how this could be a big problem.
Untreated Anxiety: When I am treating a man with an anger issue, I often find that anxiety is their root problem. I like to explain anger as anxiety’s stunt double. The anger is the emotion that gets the most attention, but behind the quick temper, the agitation, and the volatility, anxiety is in the driver’s seat. They report feeling keyed up, stressed out, sleepless, worried, out of control, fearful, and even panicked. Identifying and treating the anxiety can offer a lot of relief to both the man and his family.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Trauma or life-threatening events can cause upsetting memories, hyper arousal, increased agitation, distrust, and negative changes in one’s thoughts and beliefs. Trauma causes a person’s response to threat to become stuck. So when normal stressors come along, they react with “full activation,” as if their life were threatened. This automatic anger response can create serious problems on the job and at home.
Addiction: People can become addicted to many substances and activities like marijuana, alcohol, sex and gambling. When people become dependent and begin to abuse these mood altering drugs, they lose the ability to self regulate. The addiction becomes a sickness, and the need for the next high drives the person into acting ways he normally wouldn’t. Rage, denial, deceit, defensiveness, blame, and physical violence are all indicators that use has turned into abuse.
Narcissistic or Sociopathic Personality: Men who have pervasive disregard for how their actions affect others, marked with hostility, recklessness, aggressiveness, deceitfulness, lawlessness and abuse for personal pleasure. These personalities can often make people believe the best in them or feel sorry for them, pulling people in just to take advantage of them. This type of personality will use his anger to manipulate, threaten, scare, control and dominate without care for who he hurts along the way. They leave a wake of relationship wreckage, broken trust, and a past with immoral and even criminal activity. These men with anger problems are particularly dangerous because they prey on those they see as weaker, and are not bound to social or moral norms or conscience.

46312281 - lonely businessman depressed about life stress concept

If you are married to a man who struggles with anger, it is important for him to seek support to learn to regulate his emotions. When anger is driving a man to say and do things that hurt other people, serious consideration needs to be made about seeking help. Counseling, support groups, trauma therapy, medication treatment and meditation are all ways for men struggling with anger to learn new coping strategies. You don’t have to endure out of control anger or fear provoking rage. It is important to seek help immediately.

If you are married to a man who uses anger to manipulate, control, or threaten, be careful. These are dangerous tendencies that you need to recognize as abusive. Getting support to help you know your options and keep yourself safe is very important. Click here for next steps. Anger is a normal feeling that all people have, and is necessary for healthy functioning. However, when anger gets out of control, boundaries and accountability are needed to keep safe and secure.

Strategy to Survive Emotional Pain: Part III

Posted November 3rd, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

When relationship turmoil or loss consumes your every waking moment, it is important to have a strategy for survival. If you can’t do anything to improve the relationship, or to bring back what’s been loss, you are left with limited choices.

But choices, none the less. And choices mean power.

Take Heart

If you have been in my sessions before, you will know I refer to Viktor Frankl often. He was a Jewish Psychiatrist and Neurologist held in Nazi concentration camps for years before being released and moving to America. After his rescue, he wrote a powerful little book about his experiences and theory called, “Man’s Search for Meaning.”

In his three years in the camps, he discovered the difference between those prisoners who took hold of their power of choice, and those prisoners who did not. Although all prisoners had lost family, wealth, profession, and every human dignity, Frankl discovered there was one thing each prisoner still maintained, and that was their choice of response. He writes,

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Isn’t that an interesting concept? That when all is stripped away, we still possess power for growth and freedom… within ourselves?

He also wrote,

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They have have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

As you are faced with challenging situations, and what feels like hopeless circumstances, you still possess your most powerful asset, and that is your power of choice. You can still chose how to respond to the bad that is happening to you. You may feel like you are powerless in your situation, but you’re not. You must exert a different kind of power than you’re used to. As you harness the power of your attitude, personal choice and response, you will experience true growth and freedom, from the inside out. From those small choices, you will change your environment and you will see new opportunity.

The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me.

There is purpose in your suffering, and you will find it along the way as you chose your attitude, your responses, and your growth. No one may truly know the depth of your suffering and your loss, but I believe that God is in those small choices, and you will find your strength again. The stronger you become, through each small response, the clearer you will see your options for freedom, love and life.

Strategy for Surviving Emotional Pain: Part II

Posted October 26th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

We make plans for vacations, for the future, for our career and for our kids. But what about making plans for surviving heart ache? If you find yourself in a season of loss or relationship turmoil, having a survival strategy is key. You may not be able to make the pain go away or the relationship better, but you can figure out how to survive it and get through to a better season.

sun through trees

Last week, I wrote about the Two Key Strategies to Survive Emotional Pain, and today I am breaking down those strategies into practical, doable bites.

Disappointments, break ups and unexpected tragedies can leave you feeling devastated and lost. Everyone goes through challenges and difficulties, but not everyone knows what to do with themselves when difficulty comes. When you experience a season of loss, choosing the right coping strategies makes all the difference.

light on the journey

Distraction: Distracting your brain from internal psychic pain is a necessary tool during recovery. Some people see distraction as a cop out with temporary results. However, distracting the brain from it’s anxious worry or rehearsal of past events, is actually a very healthy way to deal with trauma, loss and pain. When used as a temporary break from the problem, distraction is a useful tool. Examples of healthy distraction are watching a movie, going to work, reading a book, working on a project, exercise class, etc.
Contribution: Using your energy to contribute to someone else’s well being is a positive way to cope while experiencing your own distress. Finding ways to help, encourage, care for or give to other people can provide a sense of control, purpose and meaning.
Prioritize Problems: Choosing one problem to work on at a time is an effective way to address stress from work, relationships, and child raising. Trying to tackle all the problems at once becomes self-defeating. However, selecting one problem at a time helps you get unstuck and in gear.
Self Sooth: Taking time to sooth yourself throughout the day is not indulgent. In fact, it is smart. People who take a minute three times a day to do something self-soothing are happier, stronger and more effective. This could be any small action like lighting a candle, listening to nice music, taking a walk, breathing in fresh air, petting a dog, holding a baby, taking a shower, rubbing your temples, or using essential oils. Consistent attention to self care makes the body and brain feel better.
Gratitude: Noticing things that you are thankful for begins an attitude shift from insufficiency to sufficiency. Instead of focusing on the loss, the grief, the hole, or the things you don’t have, focus and give thanks for the things you do have. Practicing gratitude is a form of mindfulness and establishes a mind of peace.
Mastery: Putting energy into proficiency and competency can help treat grief, loss, trauma and psychic pain. Whether it be practicing tennis, a new language, yoga, or learning to cook, mastery of skills is a way for the brain to focus and be rewarded. It’s harder, but better.
Pleasure: Experiencing pleasure is a distraction technique used to ward off overwhelming feelings. Pleasure can come from a latte, a visit to a park, an orgasm or a good discount at your favorite store. It is important to give yourself small pleasures, and permission to enjoy that pleasure while you are recovering from difficult times.
Creativity: Allowing yourself to create something new affects the pleasure centers of the brain. It’s like medicine. Whether it is writing a song, coloring a picture, making an album, planting a garden, or trying a new recipe, creating is good for the soul.

butchart-japanese-garden

When you are recovering from something hard, devastating or traumatic, it is important to use that recovery time to do things that are helpful and good for you. It may be tempting to fall into negative patterns, (drinking, extra-marital relationships, over spending, etc.) but small helpful choices go a long way in helping you get your life back.

These Survival Strategies are like vitamins, that when taken and practiced over time, can produce remarkable results. There are no quick fixes to psychological pain, heart break or loss. However, there is a pathway through the pain, and there is hope for the journey.

Ready to Start a Support Group?

Posted September 19th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

Hello to all the World Shapers, Dream Makers, and Booty Shakers! Happy Autumn! Lately I have been contacted by people who want to be supportive to women in destructive relationships, but don’t know how. I’ve been stopped in the grocery store parking lot, messaged on Facebook and called from abroad about this issue. Women in exploitative and abusive relationships are waking up to the manipulation they’ve experienced for years and are realizing, “enough is enough.” Someone asked me yesterday if she could start a support group, and I said, “Um Yeah! Lemme get right on that!” And so I did. And I want to make the material available for everyone.

How about you? Are you interested in starting a group to help women in destructive relationships? If you have been moved, like me, to do something, I have some free stuff for you to use, have, copy, give out, spill coffee on, whatever. Living in the Pink Support Groups (LIPS Groups for short) are a way you can support women on the journey of hope and freedom one step at a time. You don’t have to be an expert or professional or married or single or even a cat lady (although, every group needs one crazy cat lady) – you just have to have a heart for women who need support.

Here is a Preview:

LIPS GROUP

Living in the Pink Support Group

Women going through relationship challenges need support. Especially women who are in Loser, User, or Abuser relationships. Typical relationship advice doesn’t work for these women, because they are not in typical relationships. They are in exploitative relationships. They have special circumstances and special considerations that are simply not addressed in typical marriage books, marriage retreats or couples counseling.

What does Living in the Pink Mean?

I discovered the term Living in the Pink when I was looking for a synonym for, Emotionally Healthy. Apparently, health professionals use this term to describe someone who is thriving, living with vitality and vigor. I now use it to describe women who reclaim their lives by breaking free from toxic relationship patterns. When women Live in the Pink, they know their God-given value and they live according to it. They perform radical self-care, they show love toward others and they stand up for justice- especially in their own homes.

What Do Living in the Pink Support Groups Do?

Women who are trying to break free from exploitative or abusive relationships need a lot of support and care. They need other women who believe them, who stand with them, and who will be their biggest cheerleaders when they accomplish hard things. LIPS Groups are designed to accept each woman without judgment and offer understanding and compassion.

How can you get started?

Once you have 3-5 women who are interested in coming, set the date and time that works best. You can work through the blog posts I’ve selected here as a place to start. Work through one or two blog posts each group meeting, depending how much discussion is produced. I’ve broken them into categories of need. Women will be in different stages of realization and acceptance of their relationship condition. Some will be fully aware of the manipulation and abuse in their marriage, some will still be in some denial about just how bad it is. Some will be divorced and remarried. It’s all ok. Women are ready at different times. The group’s role is to provide a safe space to think and talk about these issues, and to offer resources and support.

If this has piqued your interest, and you can think of a couple women right now that you’d like to invite, then download this Free Facilitator’s Guide.

LIPS Group Guide Picture

LIPS GROUP SET UP PDF

It has everything you need to get started. Once you get started offering a support group to the women you care about, let me know how its going, and if there is anything else that you need. I’m happy to help in any way that I can. I believe that there is power in groups of women meeting together, getting the encouragement to move the mountains in their lives.

5 Powerful Practices to Heal From a Toxic Relationship

Posted November 18th, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Are you recovering from a toxic relationship? Maybe you feel betrayed, or rejected or used. Maybe you know you need a fresh start, but just need some help getting there. When your trust is broken in a relationship, your fundamental needs of safety and security are shaken. You may feel on edge, tense, anxious or scared. You may feel depressed, lonely or even hopeless, unable to plan your next steps. The aftermath of emotional or physical trauma can powerfully impact mood, sleep, weight, job performance and overall health.

Here are 5 of my most Powerful Interventions for Toxic Relationship Trauma Survivors

feet-in-sand

1. Restore Order Through Boundaries

Asserting boundaries can be difficult and intimidating, but necessary. I’ve listed Boundaries as the first and most important practice because getting physically, financially and emotionally safe, is the most basic and necessary step for healing.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are invisible lines between you and someone else. Boundaries help you know where you end and where someone else begins. Boundaries allow you to protect what is valuable to you, allow you to be responsible for yourself, and for others to do the same. However, you will never heal and things will never get better if you don’t say “No” to the things that are hurting you, and “Yes” to the things you need. It may be scary to say, “I want you to leave,” or “Don’t talk to me like that,” or “Don’t call again.” But your heart needs safety, security and peace. It’s ok to follow through with your needs and boundaries until you feel the peace and safety you need.
Boundaries are Necessary for Healing. Often times, survivors of trauma feel as though their power and control was taken from them. It is important to restore that sense of empowerment through asserting yourself, meeting your own needs and setting limits through appropriate boundaries. Saying “No” to things that you don’t need, and “Yes” to things you do need will help you feel more in control.

2. People

Women often feel pressure to keep their relationship stress private to protect their partner’s reputation or to avoid judgment from others. Many women don’t feel like there is a safe way to share relationship problems with friends or family, so they keep their stress to themselves. Sometimes the truth of the relationship feels too ugly, too unbelievable, or too dark to share.

But, telling trustworthy people what you are going through is important when you want to heal trauma. Loving people lift us up, speak honestly to us, encourage bravery, cry with us, honor us, and remind us that it’s going to be ok even in the worst of circumstances. Loving relationships help heal the trauma, and give new direction. It’s tempting to keep the painful truth a secret, but opening up and sharing your experiences releases the pent up stress and helps with thinking more clearly, creatively and constructively.

friends-walking

3. Self Care

You may feel like you had to let your own needs go in order to take care of your partner’s needs. Hopefully, now you feel like you can take necessary strides toward taking care of your own needs.

Rest: Make rest and recuperation one of your highest priorities. Trauma can keep us keyed up, locked down, and frozen in fear. Now that you are aware of what you need and you are getting yourself free from harm, take plenty of time to rest. Recover. Heal slowly. Watch the seasons turn. Take long slow walks. Waste time. Sleep. Cozy up. Be gentle and nurture yourself.
Eat: During your time just trying to survive, you may have been too anxious to eat, restricted food or used food to feel better. It’s time to give yourself good nutrition.
Move: Your body will feel better when you start exercising, strengthening and stretching. Your body wants to feel strong again. Sometimes feeling strong on the inside comes easier when we practice becoming strong on the outside.
Play: if you’ve ever watched a child swing or swim or play with a puppy, you know that time seems to stop for that child and they are just enjoying the moment. Take time to be playful. Laugh at silly things. Blow bubbles. Paint your toes different colors. Be you, and give yourself permission to laugh.

breath-deep

4. Invest in Therapy

Recovery from relationship abuse, betrayal or divorce is not complete until you feel hopeful and ready for your future. Therapy is a way for you to explore unhealthy patterns, and how to change them so you can attract authentic love in your future. It’s not uncommon to work with a few therapists until you find one that understands your unique situation. When you find a therapist that is a good match, you can address:

past or recent trauma
the importance of following through on boundaries
improved ability toward assertiveness
ways to manage depressive or anxiety symptoms
effective communication
how to avoid attracting toxic personalities
setting new life goals

5. Feed Your Soul

When our situation becomes out of control, and the old way of doing things isn’t working, we need God to help us. Relationship trauma can cause isolation, depression and feelings of loneliness. Some of us get so exhausted by our busy, chaotic lives, we are too tired or guilt-ridden to listen to our spiritual needs. One thing I know, is that there is never a bad time to seek spiritual help from God. In bed, in the bar, on the street, in the hospital, or in the car, seeking comfort and guidance outside of yourself is a good thing. Admitting that we need God’s help is a first step in healing and recovery, and often results in a feeling of hope and peace. Here are some practical ways to feed the soul.

Journal: Journaling slows your thoughts down to the speed you can write. This is helpful when you feel emotionally flooded or triggered. Journaling helps you see your thoughts and feelings as valuable, and worthy of being expressed. Journaling is especially helpful when you are angry or stressed and can’t focus on anything else but what’s troubling you. Once you get it on paper, you can leave it there, validate it as important, and move on to your next healthy step.
Dependence Prayers: When worry and guilt creep into your daily life, it is important to give yourself permission to hand that worry and guilt over to God. There are many matters that are out of your control and worrying over them just makes you feel worse. Depending Prayers sound like, “I don’t know what to do, but I know You do, and You will help me.”
Creation: being creative and enjoying creation is healing to mind, body and soul. Experiencing God through creation, gives new energy and perspective. Gardening, hiking, crocheting, writing, painting, sculpting, and making music are ways to communicate with God, soul to soul, as deep calls to deep. Creating and recreating takes methodical, patient steps. The heart rate slows to steady, the breath deepens, and the mind clears. Our hope returns and our problems don’t seem so overwhelming.

“Come to me… I will give you rest.” – Jesus to the hurting.

clarity

Surviving relational trauma is not easy, but it is important work. These five steps can help you not only survive a toxic relationship, but get free and happy again. I know that saying goodbye to a relationship, even if it’s toxic, can be a painful and scary road. Healing from that pain takes time and effort. Sometimes, when I know I’m at the beginning of a long journey, I like to envision what it will be like when I’m already there. Imagine yourself healed, free and happy. It will happen, and these practices will help you get there.

Posts Categorized: Help for Trauma