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FACT: It’s not Love without the Vital Three: to be Seen, Known, and Accepted Unconditionally.

What is a Loser?

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A loser isn’t the couch potato, it’s someone who loses out on really knowing you.

Losers see you as valuable and separate with unique and valid needs, but they don’t know you because they fear the vulnerability of intimacy. Instead of connecting, they hide their fears, weaknesses, and true feelings, sometimes denying they have any.

Because they don’t know themselves, they cannot know or love you fully either. They are emotionally distant or absent.

This is the most common quadrant in relationships because people naturally resist emotional intimacy. Facing the fear of intimacy can help turn your Loser into a Lover.

You are Seen, Unknown, and Accepted with Condition

Characteristics of a Loser

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  • They avoid sharing personal feelings, thoughts, or ideas because closeness makes them uncomfortable.
  • They may be unable to have emotional closeness because they are emotionally immature- hopelessly stunted in their emotional development.
  • They may say things like, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “Why do you always make a big deal out of things,”  or “I’m just not an emotional person. I don’t know how I feel.” They will say almost anything to avoid emotional  vulnerability and intimacy.
  • They feel pressure to fix problems for you instead of empathize with you.
  • When asked if something is bothering them, they deny that anything is, and shut the conversation down.
  • They may be successful in many areas of their lives, but when it comes to close relationships, they use various  tactics, like withdrawal, humor, passive aggression, etc. to keep an emotional distance.

How it Feels to be in a Relationship with a Loser

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Hopeless. Sometimes you feel like you are trying to draw water from an empty well.

Dismissed. You feel unimportant and not taken seriously.

Unloved. You take your partner’s emotional withdrawal as silent disapproval, rejection, or disinterest.

Anxious. Because they keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves, you constantly wonder how they truly feel about you.

Self-doubt. Because your emotional needs so often go unrecognized in your relationship, you wonder if you’re just too needy or if he’s just too immature.

Desperately Alone. Oftentimes a person feels they are lonelier in their unhappy relationship than they would be as a single person in no relationship.

Abandoned. You feel like the person who is supposed to love you the most rejects you at your core. You feel like your partner is either unable or unwilling to love you the way you need to be loved, and that you must do what it takes to just survive.

Frustrating. You both use sarcasm, joking and passive aggression to communicate, but just skim the surface of what’s truly important.

Often people in the LOSER Quadrant are tired of the same ole, same ole. They want something better but don’t know how to get it. They have an unhealthy dynamic of letting difficult issues go without resolving them until it feels like their hearts are a million miles away from each other. These relationships need help opening up to each other without fear of being judged, rejected or controlled. They need to learn the necessary skills of intimacy, honesty and empathic listening and let go of the bad communication habits like sarcasm and avoidance. Often one or both people in the relationship are scared about getting attacked by the other, or feeling weak when sharing. These fears need to be worked through so the relationship can enter a new level of closeness, understanding and love.

Action Steps

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If you are trying to change the dynamic in your relationship with a Loser, you can’t do it alone. You will need to get the help of someone who understands this kind of unhealthy cycle. Your Loser may deny that there are issues, or be reluctant to try counseling, however persistence in requiring some level of intervention is your right as a committed partner in the relationship. A helpful counselor or marriage program will help you and your Loser…

  1. Feel safe sharing openly and respectfully in the relationship
  2. Effectively communicate your needs so that you are heard, affirmed and known deeply.
  3. Model what healthy intimacy looks like and identify the fears and roadblocks that keep you from it.

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