Posts Categorized: Recognizing Abusive Behavior

Responding to Abusive Language and Behavior

Controlling your reactivity in a relationship is a powerful communication tool for strong and healthy relationships. But, what about abusive language or behavior in relationships? How should you respond to that?

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The last two blog posts have discussed the difference between a Survival Reaction verses a Wise Response, and how to harness the power of your response to affect real relationship improvement. Today, we will talk about  what to do in response to emotionally or physically harmful behavior. But first, let’s explore the tactics abusers use to keep us baffled, degraded, and powerless.

Tactics Abusers Use

Shock and Awe: abusive, bullying or harassing behavior is shocking to an unsuspecting person. You may be asking a simple question, making a simple observation, or even  minding your own business when a cruel comment, a damaging putdown or physically aggressive action comes out of nowhere. It may catch you so off guard, that you don’t know how to respond.

One up One Down: at the heart of every abusive relationship is an imbalance of power. The abuser is threatened by egalitarian systems and seeks to control others to ensure he gets what he wants. From the simplest relationship dyad, to the most complex of corporate organizations, power imbalances are used in order to keep power in one localized place- namely with the abuser. The smaller you feel, the more powerful he becomes.

Projection: projection is often used during arguments by the bully to accuse someone of the exact thing he himself is guilty. For example, if Roger is guilty of having an affair, he may accuse his partner of flirting with the waiter saying, “You are such a tramp, always throwing yourself at guys.”

Incongruences: This is also called, “the proof is in the pudding.” when words don’t result in action, and when what he says is the opposite of what he does, then you know he is being incongruent. Two diverging messages come at you simultaneously, and you are unsure of which one is true. These incongruences are unsettling to the receiver because they “sound good” but “feel  bad.”

Power in Numbers: Abusive language and behavior is sometimes used in the midst of or with the help of other people as a means to over power you. Sometimes abusive people will make cruel remarks in front of other people to publically humiliate you knowing you will not retaliate in public.

Once you recognize these tactics in your relationship, you are able to make a choice about how to respond. It is extremely difficult to respond wisely in the moment to mean name calling, cruel cut downs, or physically abusive behavior. You may find that you need time to recover from the shock, talk with a friend or expert to validate your concern and then prepare to take action. Sometimes these steps take hours, and sometimes these steps take years. No matter the time frame, responding to abusive behavior in a healthy way is possible. It’s never too late to setting healthy boundaries in your relationship.

How to Respond to Abusive Behavior

Abusive behavior varies in degree, and I am aware that my readers in destructive relationships are not all the same. Some may feel relatively safe most of the time, and others feel constantly badgered and threatened. I tried to be general enough in these prescribed steps to apply to most situations.

  1. Talk about it with other people. You may be tempted to keep it to yourself, protect your abuser’s reputation, or blow it off, but don’t. It’s important to talk about what you experienced with other trusted people for validation and comfort. Even if you feel terrible admitting it, there are people who love you and want to be there for you.
  2. Seek support. Once you’ve recovered from the shock or damage, seek expert support. Counselors, human resource specialists, law enforcement, attorneys, doctors and advocates can help you determine your best interests and how to proceed. You simply can not handle abuse by yourself- asking for help is absolutely necessary.
  3. Set boundaries: As scary as this sounds, exploring and setting your boundaries is essential. Abusive, harmful language, manipulation, putdowns, harassment or assault is never ok. Putting up with it hoping it will get better never works in the long run. Even if you feel like you are partly to blame (a common feeling among victims of abuse), you must insist that the abuse stop or you will take further action (leave, report the abuse, etc.) Your support network can help you determine how to proceed. Abusive people do not stop abusing unless they are forced to.
  4. Follow through. Setting boundaries takes a good deal of energy. Congratulate yourself- you’ve already done some good work. However, your work is not finished. A person who uses abuse to gain power will most likely strike again if he/she is not held accountable. Make sure you employ stated consequences to broken or disrespected boundaries and hold to your demands. Working with advisors, advocates, and experts is essential to help you advocate for yourself.
  5. Refuse to be Hard on Yourself. People grappling with emotional, physical or psychological abuse in their relationship often feel a sense of shame. They question themselves continually, and even blame themselves for their partners’ destructive behavior. They doubt themselves and their ability to make good decisions. This is a symptom of abuse and trauma, but not the cause. Be careful to not do to yourself what has been done to you. Give yourself the encouragement you need to keep going, to stay strong, and to believe in yourself.

Next week I will explore specific examples of how to communicate boundaries and follow through when dealing with abusive behavior.

Ready to Start a Support Group?

Hello to all the World Shapers, Dream Makers, and Booty Shakers! Happy Autumn! Lately I have been contacted by people who want to be supportive to women in destructive relationships, but don’t know how. I’ve been stopped in the grocery store parking lot, messaged on Facebook and called from abroad about this issue. Women in exploitative and abusive relationships are waking up to the manipulation they’ve experienced for years and are realizing, “enough is enough.” Someone asked me yesterday if she could start a support group, and I said, “Um Yeah! Lemme get right on that!” And so I did. And I want to make the material available for everyone.

How about you? Are you interested in starting a group to help women in destructive relationships? If you have been moved, like me, to do something, I have some free stuff for you to use, have, copy, give out, spill coffee on, whatever. Living in the Pink Support Groups (LIPS Groups for short) are a way you can support women on the journey of hope and freedom one step at a time. You don’t have to be an expert or professional or married or single or even a cat lady (although, every group needs one crazy cat lady) – you just have to have a heart for women who need support.

Here is a Preview:

LIPS GROUP

Living in the Pink Support Group

Women going through relationship challenges need support. Especially women who are in Loser, User, or Abuser relationships. Typical relationship advice doesn’t work for these women, because they are not in typical relationships. They are in exploitative relationships. They have special circumstances and special considerations that are simply not addressed in typical marriage books, marriage retreats or couples counseling.

What does Living in the Pink Mean?

I discovered the term Living in the Pink when I was looking for a synonym for, Emotionally Healthy. Apparently, health professionals use this term to describe someone who is thriving, living with vitality and vigor.  I now use it to describe women who reclaim their lives by breaking free from toxic relationship patterns. When women Live in the Pink, they know their God-given value and they live according to it. They perform radical self-care, they show love toward others and they stand up for justice- especially in their own homes.

What Do Living in the Pink Support Groups Do?

Women who are trying to break free from exploitative or abusive relationships need a lot of support and care. They need other women who believe them, who stand with them, and who will be their biggest cheerleaders when they accomplish hard things. LIPS Groups are designed to accept each woman without judgment and offer understanding and compassion.

How can you get started?

Once you have 3-5 women who are interested in coming, set the date and time that works best. You can work through the blog posts I’ve selected here as a place to start. Work through one or two blog posts each group meeting, depending how much discussion is produced. I’ve broken them into categories of need. Women will be in different stages of realization and acceptance of their relationship condition. Some will be fully aware of the manipulation and abuse in their marriage, some will still be in some denial about just how bad it is. Some will be divorced and remarried. It’s all ok. Women are ready at different times. The group’s role is to provide a safe space to think and talk about these issues, and to offer resources and support.

If this has piqued your interest, and you can think of a couple women right now that you’d like to invite, then download this Free Facilitator’s Guide.

LIPS Group Guide Picture

LIPS GROUP SET UP PDF

It has everything you need to get started. Once you get started offering a support group to the women you care about, let me know how its going, and if there is anything else that you need. I’m happy to help in any way that I can. I believe that there is power in groups of women meeting together, getting the encouragement to move the mountains in their lives.

He is Awful to Me, But I Still Stay: What to do if This is You

Do you recognize that your guy is not being good to you, but you just don’t feel you can leave?  Many women feel this way. They feel trapped between two bad options, 1)leave him and possibly make things worse, or 2) Stay and live in misery. Is this you? Maybe you’ve tried marriage counseling and waited patiently for things to change. Maybe you recognized that you were part of the problem (which is always the case) so you worked on breaking your own co-dependent patterns, but you don’t see him working on his stuff. Maybe he’s made promises he isn’t keeping, or the same old abusive or addictive behavior keeps coming back.

 

But you decide to stay anyway.

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What your friends and family say…

Your friends ask you, Why are you still with him? You don’t deserve the way he treats you!

And you nod and say things like, “I know, I know, but…”

Your mom shakes her head and says, “Sweetie, you shouldn’t put up with this.”

And you nod and say, “I know, I know, but…”

You DO know that he should treat you better, but you DON’T know if you deserve better. Your self esteem has taken a hit over all these years.

So you stay. And stay and stay.

For all the women who are staying, I hear you. Once you get home from coffee with your friend, and hang up the phone with your mom, you start silently answering her questions. They probably go something like this:

Why You Stay

  • The kids. You tell yourself that you can put up with anything to keep an “intact home.” You don’t want your kids to go through a divorce. You know that his punishing silence, his verbal abuse, and his coldness will have a negative affect on them, but you just can’t see how divorce would be any better.
  • I’m not ready. Oh My Laundry, if I knew the secret to readiness, I would sell it on e-Bay. But I don’t’. Every woman must decide when she is ready for something different, something better, something true and pure and holy and good. I know that I have repeated the same old broken cycle over and over again in my own life. All people do this. I will keep on doing this until one day I say to myself, “I’ve had enough. No matter what it costs me, I’m not repeating this again.” Like the prodigal son having a come-to-Jesus-moment, the switch is flipped and I’m ready for change. I’m not sure how many cycles you will have to repeat before your come-to-Jesus-moment, but I know for certain, when you are ready, it will happen.
  • Things will get worse. You say to yourself, “If I start saying no, enough is enough, and stop- he’ll make things worse for me.” You’ve always known this.  That’s why you quieted your voice and needs long ago. Intuitively, you have known that if you started speaking up for yourself, following through on your boundaries, and acting as if you really mattered, he was going to pull an even bigger stunt that would trump your boundaries and fulfill your greatest fear of abandonment.
  • I can’t make it on my own. You say to yourself that you’ve become so dependent on him financially and emotionally, that you just can’t see how you could make it on your own. You think to yourself that independence would be impossible to sustain.
  • I Still See Hope: There are times that the dream of him changing blinds reality. Even though evidence shows otherwise, you want to believe that there is still hope that he will change. That he will really love you the way you need.

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I am not writing this to talk you out of staying in a destructive relationship. Those kind of lectures just make a person feel guilty and week. GUILTY and WEAK, you are not! Through my work with women in destructive relationships, they must go through many cycles of deciding to stay-leave-stay-try-stay-pray- before they feel spiritually and physically released from their destructive relationship. I’m writing this to give you some coping strategies while you stay.

  • Pray. Everyday. No, don’t pray for your marriage. You’ve done that already. That’s a tired old record with a scratch. Pray everyday to have the mind of Christ. To be aligned with God’s word. To see God’s path and make bold steps to follow it. To be strengthened in hope, in faith, in love. Pray to cast out the worry, fear, self doubt and depression. Pray for spiritual and psychological protection. You ain’t got time for depression and abuse anymore.
  • Get Active. Feeling physically strong goes a long way to help feel emotionally strong too. Any act of kindness or effort toward yourself makes a difference, no matter how big or small. Walk, bike, swim, lift weights, join a class.
  • Read books on Co-dependency, Love addiction, and destructive marriages. Recognizing some of your own patterns and reactivity will help you make better choices in the heat of the moment. You know you can’t change him, but you can become the smartest, strongest, and best version of yourself possible.
  • Pray. Oh yeah, did I mention that already? Well, this time, ask your friends to pray for you too. There are spiritual things, behind the curtain of this material world that will not change unless your peeps pray for you. Call your praying friends to start praying specifically for the things you need. Asking friends for support is essential.
  • Invest in Your Own Thing. While you stay, make sure you are giving priority to your life, career, kids, and/or future. Get that extra education you need, go for that promotion, retrain and retool. Do something that broadens your world and your impact in it. Investing in yourself and your future gives you necessary power to re-infuse that syphoned-off self esteem.

Many women who decide to stay in destructive relationships feel impossibly trapped- like no decision they make is the right one. Well, I want to encourage you, that if you’ve decided to stay, for now, that there are still things you can do to help yourself. Any effort you put into helping yourself, even if it feels small, will go a long way.

Abusive, narcissistic, destructive relationships are terribly difficult to survive, and impossible to sustain while maintaining your own mental health. However, until you decide enough is enough, use these tips to help yourself day to day.

 

What if He Doesn’t Stop? Escaping Destructive Relationships

What if your partner won’t respect your boundaries? What if you asked for what you need, and your boundary is ignored, dismissed or worse, judged sinful or wrong? What should you do when you know you’re in a destructive relationship?

 

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What are Boundaries?

Quick Version: Boundaries are your needs, limits and wants. Having good boundaries means not taking responsibility for your partner’s needs and feelings, taking responsibility for your own needs and feelings, saying “no” to the things that you don’t want and need, and “yes” to the things you do.

Signs of Destructive Relationships

Relationships where one or both partner do not respect the other’s boundaries or needs are emotionally destructive. If you are in an emotionally destructive relationship, here are some things that you may be experiencing when you try to set a boundary or express a need:

  • Turning the conversation back to him and his needs.
  • Telling you that you are wrong for setting the boundary.
  • Insinuating that your boundary is ridiculous, misguided, feministic, unbiblical, unkind or just dumb.
  • Turning the blame back onto you.
  • Evading personal responsibility using different tactics

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Confronting the Problem

If ignoring your boundaries or needs becomes a pattern, then confronting the pattern of behavior is the next step. When an apology and plan of action are the appropriate response, women in destructive relationships will experience these common responses to confrontation instead.

  • Rage-filled tirade listing your faults, your personal flaws.
  • Personal Attacks claiming you are the one with the problem.
  • Sob story how he is really the victim.
  • Threats to leave you, harm you, or turn the kids against you.

Some women intuitively know that if they advocate too hard for their boundaries and needs to be respected, then their partner will do something drastic, like threaten suicide, or even harm them or their children. Many women are paralyzed with fear over the consequences of “upsetting” him.

One thing you can be sure of, is nothing will change, unless you remove yourself from the abuse.

I know. This part really sucks. Many women want tools and techniques to help deal with these dismissive, disrespectful and abusive behaviors. They want techniques to survive their destructive marriage, instead of breaking free from their destructive marriage. But destructive relationships… destruct, destroy, and deplete until there is nothing left. Ultimately, there IS NO surviving destructive relationships.

Surviving can only be a TEMPORARY plan, and Breaking Free must be the ultimate goal.

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When Communication Doesn’t Work

Abusive behaviors WILL NOT STOP unless you refuse to put up with them anymore. What does REFUSAL TO BE ABUSED look like? Although every relationship is different, here are some options to consider as you make your personal Breaking-Free goals.

  • Addressing the abusive behaviors (blame shifting, personal attacks, sabotage, lying, manipulation, critical judgments, name calling, etc.) in a counseling session with a counselor or pastor. Having a third party witness and affirm your needs can be a powerful change agent.
  • Refusing to stay in a counseling session where the counselor or pastor does not recognize these behaviors as abusive. Combative, manipulative, rage-filled tactics should be identified in session and proclaimed as unacceptable. If your pastor or counselor is unable to do this, give yourself permission to find another who has experience with abuse tactics.
  • Communicating repetitively and clearly that “Hostile and abusive behavior is no longer acceptable to me.”  Just saying these words out loud can be empowering to you.
  • Consider increased separation (i.e. sleeping in separate bedrooms, separate homes, etc.)
  • Talking with an attorney to educate yourself about temporary orders. It is important to gather information about all your options. You do not have to act on any option until you’re, but getting the information is empowering to help you make important decisions.
  • Calling the police when you feel threatened, or are being harmed. This is an important step to keeping yourself safe and setting a boundary against abusive behavior.
  • Attaining a No Contact Order. Visiting your local police department to find out what this entails and when a No Contact Order should be used. This is another step in educating yourself about all your options. This may be the extra help you need to resist his attempts at controlling you.
  • Filing for Separation or Divorce. Many women stuck in these destructive relationships resist considering separation or divorce. They are desperate to keep the family together. To see him change. To try a new miracle retreat or counselor or relationship book. However, when you get to the “end of all trying,” consider separation or divorce as a gift from God on the pathway to recovery, wholeness and new life. Consider divorce as the legal way of protecting you from more harm.

Most women are afraid that if they start setting these boundaries and taking action, things will get worse, he will get angrier, and an ugly divorce will be inevitable. This is sometimes the case, but steps to protect yourself are necessary. Instead of thinking of all the worst case scenarios, take one small step at a time. If you need help with these next steps and you are in the Seattle area, I have a great resource for you. You can call Havens Community Connection for coaching support and resource referrals at, 425-610-8612. www.havenscc.org. If you are not in the Seattle area, call the Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

NEED ANSWERS NOW? I’ve written a book just for you, so click here. You are not alone, and this book can help!

 

 

 

When the Narcissist Fools the Counselor

A few years ago, I was a member of a counseling association for Christian therapists and pastors. This association supported its members with continuing education, scholarly research and ethical guidelines for good practice. I went to a few of the national events and conferences and usually left smarter and more motivated.

One year, however, I got a flyer for an upcoming conference with the name of a plenary speaker from my area. He was wildly popular, and had written many books. Though this talented speaker had a large following, I knew a different side of him. A side of him only seen behind closed doors. I had worked with people who knew him to  be manipulative, abrasive and famously controlling. My clients and colleagues described him as someone who created a climate of fear through verbal abuse, arrogant bullying, and narcissistic control. I would think, “Note to self, avoid this bozo at all costs!”

So, when I saw his name and face on the pamphlet as a plenary speaker for my beloved Christian counseling organization, I was shocked. How could a counseling organization promote him? How could they invite a wolf into the sheep fold? Why couldn’t they see past his polished persona and see the wake of relational wreckage he left trailing behind him? I trusted this organization, and was baffled by their decision to invite him to speak at their conference. I thought to myself, “out of all the people in the Christian community, it should be the counselors who can see through narcissism. It should be the counselors who recognize abusers when we see them. Why are they drinking his kool-aid?”

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I was prompted to write them a letter expressing my concern, but talked myself out of it. I thought to myself, “why would they listen to me? I’m a no-name,” and “if that’s the direction they are going, then good riddance to bad rubbish!” I’m sorry I talked myself out of it. Neither was a healthy or loving way to respond. Instead of communicating my concern, I just didn’t renew my membership that year. Kind of passive- aggressive, I know.

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I should have written that letter, if only for the bragging rights of later being able to say, “I told you so!” Because, about a year later that popular speaker was sent packing and was relieved from his position. He was also found to have participated in plagiarism and unethical use of donated funds. The victims of his financial and spiritual abuse came out publicly about their experiences, and the guy lost all credibility.

Why is this important to you? Well, if you’re living with a Narcissist, and you feel like you’re going crazy, and even the marriage counselor doesn’t see why you’re so upset- I get it. If your narcissist looks great from the outside- good dad, good Christian, good provider, good guy- then you may think no one will believe the pain you experience behind closed doors. Unfortunately well-meaning Christians, pastors, counselors, even whole organizations, can get hood-winkled, Bamboozled, and Cully-gulled by all the charming flim-flam.

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Narcissistic people can be very convincing when they want something. They can shine the light on their good side so brightly, that it blinds everyone from seeing their bad side. When this happens, the spouse of the narcissist ends up feeling worse than before. The spouse may say, “I finally got him/her to go to counseling, and now he/she got the counselor to side against me. No one sees how she/he really is at home!”

What to do if Your Counselor or Pastor is Fooled:

Don’t chicken out like I did. Be brave and say what you need to say. It’s important for you to do the following:

  1. Address this trickery during your counseling session. The counselor cannot know what they do not know, so it is up to you address your frustrations. 
  2. Don’t wait for the pastor or counselor to rescue you, side with you, or confront your partner. Only you can do your work.
  3. Bring specific actions that you consider to be hostile, controlling, abusive, mean spirited, badgering or manipulative to the session, and talk about them with the counselor. Point out the kind of behavior that is unacceptable to you.
  4. Be honest about what is happening at home, and how you want help confronting these unacceptable behaviors.  

No, your narcissist will not like this, and may deny, cast blame or even retaliate. However, it is important for you to shed light on your relationship and get the support from professionals that seek to live in that light. If the counselor is still hesitant to recognize the destructiveness present in the marriage, then it may be time to find a new counselor. I would recommend a counselor who has experience treating issues related to domestic violence, co-dependence, and narcissism.

 

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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