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The Key Ingredients to Intimacy

Posted January 19th, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Sometimes, the very thing we crave the most, is the thing we work the hardest to avoid.

We don’t mean to, of course. But sometimes our nature gets in the way. After 15 years of working with people in the privacy of my office, I’ve learned that human intimacy is one thing that is often missing from people’s relationships. I believe that we all wanted to be close, to feel appreciated and to show love. It is our intention to love and be loved, but the noise and the static of life get in the way, and we end up pushing away the intimacy we long for.

Instead of saying, “I miss you and I want to spend time with you,” we say, “Well, it’s about time you get home. Don’t you ever look at your watch?”

We sometimes let pride and ego and defensiveness get in the way of true love. It doesn’t have to be this way. We can learn to love with our whole hearts. We can learn to receive love with full trust. Even though intimacy doesn’t come easily or naturally to us, we can learn it.

Here are the Facts about Intimacy:

  •  Fact #1 Every person needs the Vital Three: to Be Seen, Known, and Accepted Unconditionally.
  •  Fact #2 If the Vital Three needs are not met, Soul-Holes grow.
  • Fact #3 Soul-Holes attract Users, Losers and Abusers that result in deeper Holes.
  •  Fact #4 Soul-Holes fill by being Seen, Known and Accepted Unconditionally.
  • Fact #5 Filling Soul Holes starts with you.

These things may sound simple, but what do they really mean? Being seen is to be valued as a unique and separate individual. Being known is to be understood and intimately trusted with the exchange of emotional valuables. To be accepted unconditionally means to be authentically loved. Soul Holes are explained as natural consequences to imperfect human love and behavior. Soul Holes occur in everyone, and attract the wrong sort of love. But Soul Holes can be filled and the Vital Three can be satisfied by routine Soul Exercise REPS found in the bible. 

·         Restore order through boundaries: saying no to others, and yes to yourself is often a good start for reclaiming peace. This practice helps us examine, know and validate Vital Three. (Titus 2:12, James 4:4, Proverbs 4:23)

·         Experience God through journaling, dependence prayers and going to where people are talking about Him. By doing these things, God is invited to meet the Vital Three beyond which we are capable in and of ourselves. (2 Cor 5:21, Proverbs 3:32)

·         Provide yourself with safe people: The action of sharing vulnerably with others, and allowing others to share with us, fortifies our Souls and fills the Holes. (1 Cor 14:26, Eph 3:18)

·         Seek Intimacy means knowing and expressing your feelings in non-accusatory language, sharing weaknesses, fears, and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or control, and validating your partner’s experiences and feelings without judging, controlling or taking them personally. (Proverbs 25:11, Proverbs 16:21, Ecclesiastes 9:17)

 I boiled these concepts down to their bare essence here in this blog post, but each point can be considered separately and at length. And, by the way, each point takes YEARS to implement! I feel like I have strong intimacy with some relationships in my life, and then there are others that are still developing because… well, I’m a slow on the uptake sometimes.

Sometimes my fears get in the way. My insecurities whisper warnings of danger. My controlling nature grips me so tightly that I mess things up.

You too?

Trust God to lead you into greater intimacy with him and with other people in His perfect timing. As you practice SEEING YOURSELF as valuable, KNOWING YOURSELF deeply, and OFFERING YOURSELF UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE, you will have the strength to attach intimately with others. As we connect with ourselves, we can connect to others. This process, when surrendered to God, can be the beginning of something new for you. The process is always worth it.

 

 

 

Intimacy: The Thing You Wanted but Didn’t Get

Posted January 6th, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Are you tired of feeling distant from the people you love- closed off and shut out? Do you desire closer connection but find that time, stress and negative emotions get in the way?

Well, good morning to all my favorite people in the world! I’m glad you clicked. Today I’m starting a four part series on Intimacy: Intimacy with ourselves, and with the people we love. Over the next month we will cover 1)What is True Intimacy and How to Get It, 2) The Key Ingredients You Need to Spark Intimacy in Your Relationships, 3)The Enemies of Intimacy and How to Avoid Them, and 4) How to Be Your Own Best Friend When Loneliness is Knocking.

Intimacy is something we all want and need. We need to be seen as valuable, known deeply, and loved unconditionally. We need these things in order to become the best versions of ourselves, but we sometimes get in our own way of getting the intimacy we want.

True Intimacy between friend or spouse is: sharing your experience with him/her without fearing judgement or rejection, and sharing his/her experience without judging or trying to change/fix him/her. You are able to accept your friend fully even if she is very different with a very different experience of your relationship. You are able to share deeply with your spouse without fear of being judged for your feelings. You are able to listen to your spouse’s feelings and experience without trying to change him. You feel seen, known and unconditionally accepted

What does it take to have this kind of intimacy with others? It takes Sacred Ground Living.

First, offer this kind of love to yourself. You won’t be able to love someone intimately until you’ve offered intimate love to yourself. For me, this means coming to God and accepting his unconditional love in the face of mistakes, failures and shortcomings. At the time I want to most deny, lie about or hide from my mistake, I try to turn to God instead. When I know that I am accepted and loved no matter what, I am able to offer myself this same kind of love and forgiveness. God’s love changes me. This is intimacy with the self- seeing myself as valuable, knowing the truth about myself, and loving myself unconditionally. You know- just the way God does.

Second, Show Up to Your Relationships. Intimacy requires vulnerability. It requires that we show up fully, exposed and real, to the people in our lives. It means instead of using sarcasm, criticism or nagging, we use wholehearted language with our friends or spouse telling them exactly what we want. Instead of, “Oh look who finally decided to come home,” we say, “I missed you today, I want to spend time with you.” Instead of passive-aggressively running the other way in an argument, we get to the heart of the matter and resolve it with compassion. Instead of picking fights and criticizing our spouse’s faults, we share our feelings with vulnerability and strength.

I call this Sacred Ground Living.

Thirdly, Take A Risk Even When There’s No Guarantee It Will Pay Off. Being vulnerable is risky business. Seeking intimacy with others is risky, too. It truly is Walking by Faith. You don’t know if your partner will return your vulnerability. You don’t know if showing up to your life will bring criticism or judgement. You don’t know if your efforts toward greater intimacy will backfire. That is the Faith Walk- going where Love calls you to go, even when there is no guarantee that it will work. Your friend or spouse may abandon you still. She may not join you in this level of intimacy and may choose a different direction. That hurts, but it’s ok, because you’re going to be ok. When you are abandoned or feeling rejected, God doesn’t abandon you, and you won’t abandon yourself.

Sacred Ground Living is being able to accept yourself just as you are, and pursue others with love. It is receiving God’s love for yourself so deeply that you can sacrificially love others. It is the hard choice to act in truth instead of avoiding difficult conversations. Sacred Ground Living is the kind of living where you can look at yourself in the mirror with conviction and grace to say, “I can go to bed with YOU every night.”

Making Plans for the New Year

Posted December 30th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

This Nook is where I do my writing and reading and praying. Oh, and Facebook surfing. The praying usually gets interrupted by the Facebook surfing. You know, just keepin’ it real. Anyway, this is where I do my best work. My soul work. My creative work. And since, it is the New Year, and people are making plans, I thought I might share a few questions I’ll be asking myself as 2016 approaches. I’ve also shared some of the things that decorate my Nook.

I have a space in my house called “My Nook.” The kids know where to look when the house is quiet, because this is my favorite room to hang out. It over looks the neighbor’s unfenced back yard where I can see the deer eating her flowers. The shelves are lined with my favorite books, pictures of my favorite people, and gifts from family who aren’t around anymore. I don’t want to brag, but it even has a fire place. Oh Snap. 

  • What are the best things that I can do with my time? There are a lot of good things I can be a part of. There are good organizations, good jobs, good groups and good people. But what is the BEST use of my time and energy? Don’t neglect the BEST for the good.
  • What is my singular calling? There are a lot of different things that I do in a day. Just like you, I wear a lot of different hats with different roles. However, I want to be singularly minded on my priority- my calling- my mission. For me it is to let Love Lead. Have you thought about your singular mission? I mean the thing that rises to the top in importance- it outweighs everything else you do in life. What is that? There are many distractions that take our focus off our Singular Calling, so give this a little thought to help you get it prioritized again.
  • What is my next step? You don’t have to write every goal down, or plan every step for a successful 2016, but you can identify what your next step will be. Write down a few action steps to get you feeling accomplished and motivated. Getting something done that you’ve been putting off is a great way to start the year.

Proverbs 31:25, “She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future,” is more like a goal than a reality for me. Maybe you can relate.

Let’s ask ourselves these questions together, and prepare for the best 2016 can offer us.

Happy New Year!

Why Did Jesus Come in the First Place? Advent Part IV

Posted December 22nd, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

Hello to all of Santa’s Helpers! I’ve tried to be so un-naughty this year… I wonder if anyone has noticed my efforts…. Well, regardless, Merry Christmas to all the Busy Shoppers, Candy Makers and Bah-Humbuggers alike. I’m so glad we get to do life together.

This month we’ve looked at the expectations we put on ourselves for Christmas, the provision that God gives for Christmas, and the command to be fearless in the face of our circumstances this Christmas. Part IV of our Advent Series will look at Why Jesus Came to the world at all?

 

I just surveyed my children, in the midst of the hub-bub why Jesus came in the first place. I was curious if they got the gist. Slam Dunk, they did. They both answered, “to die for our sins on the cross.”

It rolls off the tongue pretty easily, doesn’t it? But seriously, that’s a mouth full.

So let’s take a minute today and unwrap each layer of that statement.

Is it weird to talk about sin at Christmas? Maybe. But I promise to get us through the sin part so we can get to the Love part. The “word” sin can conjure up hell, fire and brimstone sermons, or be relegated as outdated terminology that has lost its meaning in our post-modern culture. But humor me. Let’s give sin a spin.

Sin is a transgression against love. 

Sin is falling short of the call to love your brother as you love yourself, to treat others the way you’d want to be treated, to make anything more ultimate than Love.

Maybe you’ve felt it before- when someone was less than loving with you and it felt bad. When someone faked their affection, and you felt duped. When someone betrayed you for another and you felt the deep pain of rejection. You know what it feels like when someone sins against you and shows you something less than love.

Because we are prone to sin, we fall short of the whole-hearted love we were created to get and give. Instead of choosing true love, we choose more expedient, more glamorous, more tantalizing ways to get our love-fix. These false-love ways make us feel empty, used and alone.

So when the angel announces, “You shall call Him Jesus for He will save His people from their sins,” we realize that sin was just too deep, and just too dark, and just too powerful for us to resolve on our own. We needed God Himself, in human form to help us.

When that heavenly baby was born, we finally had hope beyond our failing human nature. We could be satisfied with God’s perfect love even when the imperfect humans in our life failed us. And we could be forgiven when we ourselves, fell short of the call to love others like Christ loved us.

This last week of Advent, I want to reflect on Jesus’ ultimate reason for coming- to heal us from the wounds sin has left on our hearts, to save us from our selves, and to redeem a weary world from sin.

Being A Part of Your Own Rescue: Advent Part I

Posted December 2nd, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

Good morning Black Friday Cyber Monday shoppers, Tuesday Givers, and all the other people with their heads in the sand that Christmas is around the corner. Whoever you are, you’ll like the December blog posts because I’ve written them with you in mind. Since December is dedicated to the celebration of God’s Gift to the world, we will take a practical look at how that Gift makes a difference in your everyday healthy, happy relationships.

Sally Lloyd-Jones wrote the book, “The Jesus StoryBook Bible,” and changed the Jesus-paradigm of a generation.  I bought it for my kids at first, but the more I read it to them, the more Jesus’ story drew me closer to Him as the Friend, the Christ, the Savior.  I’ve bought and given away this book a hundred times because each decorative page tells the story of Jesus in a way that, well, makes sense. Each story weaves a thread that connects all the stories of the book- and that thread is The Rescuer.

Sassy still keeps this book on her wall of favorites.

Sassy still keeps this book on her wall of favorites.

The world, since the beginning of time had been waiting for rescue- rescue from themselves, rescue from each other, rescue from sin, and sinning on themselves and on each other. You know, the stuff we humans do every day.

Seriously, if you need a Christmas gift for a kid (or adult!) this is it. http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Storybook-Bible-Every-Whispers/dp/0310708257/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1449075781&sr=8-1&keywords=jesus+storybook+bible

So when God’s Gift came into the world, by way of a teenager in an animal shelter, the people were expecting Rescue- rescue from tyranny, violence, oppression, abuse, poverty. They wanted a Messianic Savior to rule and reign as an earthly king and make all the things that were wrong with the world, right again.

We want rescue too, right? Sometimes we pray for a miracle. We pray for a raise. We pray for a better job. We pray that God will intervene. We ask Him to SHOW UP and save us from our illness, our predicament, our debt, our broken marriage, our addiction, ourselves. We buy lottery tickets in hope that a monetary rescue will solve our problems.

What I know…

After working with hundreds of people for over 15 years, there’s one thing I know for sure. God never plucks us out of our predicament without making us a partner in the rescue mission. He never swoops in like the fairy god mother to grant all our wishes. He’s not Super Man and we’re not Lois Lane. I suppose He could be the Hero that rescues all the Damsels in Distress, but that would just keep us in a perpetual state of Distressed-Damselism. No thank you.

Instead, He lowers Himself into the pit we find ourselves in and patiently directs us step by step as we climb out. With each scary step, and each tentative grasping toward the light, we are strengthened. We can not see the next step, but He can, and as we listen and obey His patient direction, our faith muscles are strengthened. Our relationship skills are honed. Our broken heart is mended. And our confidence is returned to us so we can help the next poor sucker who falls into that pit.

The good stuff in life is not having it all together, or never needing rescue, or even staying out of the pit. The good stuff in life is hearing The Rescuer’s voice in the darkness, smiling because you know you’re in good hands, and feeling those heart muscles ache because you’re finally using them in the right way. The good stuff is accepting your location in the Pit as just HUMAN, and NECESSARY and FERTILIZER for something really GROWY in your future.

Got this from You Version Bible App. So cool, right?

Got this from You Version Bible App. So cool, right?

When God sends His Gift to rescue you, you always end up feeling stronger, lighter, freer and loved. You may start out feeling desperate and hopeless, but after His Rescue, you end up feeling full of power and opportunity. Look for ways that the Rescuer is making you apart of your own rescue mission. I’d love to hear your story. 

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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