Posts Tagged: angry man

What His Anger is Really Hiding

If you love a man with anger problems, you have probably felt hurt and overwhelmed by his behavior at times. Maybe you wonder if you could have done something to prevent the angry outburst. Maybe you feel responsible to control or pacify his temper. Women who are married to men with anger problems can feel desperate for them to change but powerless to do anything about it.

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Anger can feel scary, mean, and even threatening. When a woman feels the full force of her husband’s anger, a deep abandonment, coupled with fear occurs in the psyche. This abandonment/fear mechanism inside a woman can have a traumatizing affect leaving her with primal response of fight/flight/freeze. If you’ve ever been in this situation, you know the feeling I mean. You realize how utterly vulnerable you are to the man you love and who you trust to love you back.

When I see couples where the husband presents with anger problems, I try to understand exactly what’s going on. Sometimes, the anger is really a secondary response to other untreated problems. The untreated problems have been stuffed, hidden, repressed, and denied for so long, they turn into unpredictable anger outbursts affecting the family and the marriage.

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The Problems that Masquerade as Anger

  • Untreated ADD: people with Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder often have difficulty with emotional  and mental self-regulation. When uncomfortable emotions are experienced, people with untreated ADHD often lack the inhibitory capacity to censor emotional reactions. Combine impulse control with rage and you can see how this could be a big problem.
  • Untreated Anxiety: When I am treating a man with an anger issue, I often find that anxiety is their root problem. I like to explain anger as anxiety’s stunt double. The anger is the emotion that gets the most attention, but behind the quick temper, the agitation, and the volatility, anxiety is in the driver’s seat.  They report feeling keyed up, stressed out, sleepless, worried, out of control, fearful, and even panicked. Identifying and treating the anxiety can offer a lot of relief to both the man and his family.
  • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Trauma or life-threatening events can cause upsetting memories, hyper arousal, increased agitation, distrust, and negative changes in one’s thoughts and beliefs. Trauma causes a person’s response to threat to become stuck. So when normal stressors come along, they react with “full activation,” as if their life were threatened. This automatic anger response can create serious problems  on the job and at home. 
  • Addiction: People can become addicted to many substances and activities like marijuana, alcohol, sex and gambling. When people become dependent and begin to abuse these mood altering drugs, they lose the ability to self regulate. The addiction becomes a sickness, and the need for the next high drives the person into acting ways he normally wouldn’t. Rage, denial, deceit, defensiveness, blame, and physical violence are all indicators that use has turned into abuse.
  • Narcissistic or Sociopathic Personality: Men who have pervasive disregard for how their actions affect others, marked with hostility, recklessness, aggressiveness, deceitfulness, lawlessness and abuse for personal pleasure. These personalities can often make people believe the best in them or feel sorry for them, pulling people in just to take advantage of them. This type of personality will use his anger to manipulate, threaten, scare, control and dominate without care for who he hurts along the way. They leave a wake of relationship wreckage, broken trust, and a past with immoral and even criminal activity. These men with anger problems are particularly dangerous because they prey on those they see as weaker, and are not bound to social or moral norms or conscience.

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If you are married to a man who struggles with anger, it is important for him to seek support to learn to regulate his emotions. When anger is driving a man to say and do things that hurt other people, serious consideration needs to be made about seeking help. Counseling, support groups, trauma therapy, medication treatment and meditation are all ways for men struggling with anger to learn new coping strategies. You don’t have to endure out of control anger or fear provoking rage. It is important to seek help immediately.

If you are married to a man who uses anger to manipulate, control, or threaten, be careful. These are dangerous tendencies that you need to recognize as abusive. Getting support to help you know your options and keep yourself safe is very important. Click here for next steps. Anger is a normal feeling that all people have, and is necessary for healthy functioning. However, when anger gets out of control, boundaries and accountability are needed to keep safe and secure.

Setting Boundaries with an Angry Person: Part II

You know you need to say something. You know that what they’re doing isn’t right or respectful. But speaking up to an angry person can be intimidating. You don’t know how he/she may react. You don’t want to make things worse. But, you also know you can’t keep going on the same way. Last week, we talked about the important steps of preparation that should be made before you set a boundary with an angry person, including getting a third party to help. Click here if you missed it.

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Dealing with an angry person over long periods of time, can end up making you feel down, hopeless and even depressed. That’s why setting boundaries with angry people is absolutely necessary to your emotional health. If you’re tired of feeling bad, or scared, or second best, here are the next five steps on how to Set a Boundary with an Angry Person.

  1. Step One: Ask for What You Want. Many times, woman married to angry man will dance around their boundary. They hint and poke and laugh nervously, but they don’t ask directly for what they want or need. Their fear of getting barked at has made them timid. This passive asking frustrates the situation further and evokes more hostility from their partners. Be direct and state directly what you want and what you are willing to do to get it.
  2. Step Two: Push Repeat. An angry person will use any number of tactics to sway you away from your boundary. You may experience pouting, tantrums, the silence treatment, character attack, love bombs, promises, excuses, sob stories, bible lectures, and threats to leave. He may explode or be cruel or get you off track with one of his problems. This is not ok. Be aware of these tactics and expect them. Then repeat your boundary. There is no need to provide more explanation, just the repetition of your boundary is enough.
  3. Step Three: Walking away in Peace. There is a small chance that he will respect your boundary without much resistance or manipulation. If he is tired of his own anger, and wants a change, then he may be willing to join you in creating a healthier dynamic. However, more times than not, the angry person will not cooperate happily with this boundary. You may need to walk away from the conversation in peace. Remember, you don’t need him to understand or approve of your boundary, you just need him to comply with it.
  4. Step Four: Follow Through. Honestly, the follow through is harder than all the other steps put together. It takes a lot of emotional effort and ego strength to get to this point. Congratulate yourself. However, the process is not over. More than likely, the angry person will test your resolve and push back to see if you’re bluffing. It’s paramount to really stand your ground here. You may experience even more pouting, tantrums, threats, personal attacks, etc., but it is important to hold firm to your boundary. Giving in now will do more harm to you than had you never made the boundary in the first place. If he does not comply to your boundary, then it is time for increased distance and safety.
  5. Step Five: Ask for Help You may need additional resources like a counselor, your pastor, an attorney, or law enforcement.

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If you are with a person who recognizes the error of taking his anger out on you, then you will see that the more boundaries you set, the more willing he is to respect them. However, if he/she gets more hostile or manipulative, then you know he/she is not interested in respecting you or your boundaries and you will need serious intervention to be emotionally and physically safe.

How to Set Boundaries with an Angry Person: Part I

Have you tried to talk sense with someone who is hell bent on being right? Have you tried to say “no” to someone only to acquiesce in order to calm him down? If you are in a relationship with an angry person, you know just how difficult it is to set a boundary, ask for something you need, or say “no” to something he wants.

Dealing with an angry person over long periods of time, can end up making you feel down, hopeless and even depressed.

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That’s why setting boundaries with angry people is absolutely necessary to your emotional health. Anger can be used to control you with fear and threats. You may feel intimidated to hold an angry person accountable for fear of reprisal. Angry people use their angry, threatening persona to keep from having to take responsibility for their actions.

Women in relationships with angry men often feel small and insignificant, as though their needs and opinions are less important than their husband’s. Sometimes I hear women say things like, “It’s just better to be quiet,” or “I walk on eggshells,” or “Nothing I say is ever right.” This dynamic slowly erodes a women’s sense of worth and joy, leaving her to live in quiet fear and depression.

Setting boundaries is a crucial step when trying to change a relationship power imbalance. The practice of setting boundaries can actually return a sense of value and empowerment to the woman setting them.

What is a boundary: a boundary is a limit or expectation placed between two people. Neighbors have property lines. Business partners have shares. We operate under spoken and unspoken agreements all the time. Problems arise in relationships when the boundary lines are disrespected, unclear, or manipulated for the gain of power. The best way to understand healthy boundaries is simply having the ability to share an opinion, need or limit with the expectation of it being respected and accommodated for.

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  1. Step One: Without sharing anything with your partner yet, identify your needs, wants and limits. Explore them, legitimize them and journal them. What is it that you need, but are afraid to ask for? Give yourself permission to value your own needs, wants and limits. Be specific. What do you need financially, emotionally, physically, personally, spiritually? Do you need your partner to get help for his addiction, his anger, or his anxiety? Allow yourself the freedom to brainstorm about your own needs and wants.
  2. Step Two: Research ways to meet your own needs and limits. Explore your options and resources. Put some effort, investment and time into honoring and meeting those needs and limits. Do you want your own gym membership? Your own bank account? More privacy? More space? Hired help for the house or kids? Marriage counseling? Weekly massage?  Look into ways that you can get the support and self care you need. The more options you give yourself, the more power and freedom you will feel. Now wait-a-minute, wait-a-minute. I know what you’re thinking. “He’s just going to say “NO” to anything I need or ask for!” You might be exactly right. But right now, you are exploring your needs and limits, and what you believe to be reasonable. Resist the temptation to filter your needs through his approval.
  3. Step Three: Get Support. It is advisable to invite a third party into the conversation. Whether pastor, friend or counselor, a third party can help you verbalize your needs, and help your partner hear with an open mind. You may feel unsafe or afraid to set a boundary without the accountability of someone your husband respects. If so, that is a good signal to invite extra reinforcements. Some women will skip this step because, “Talking about his anger problem with the pastor will only make him angrier. I’ll pay for it once we get home.” This may be very true. This can be a very scary situation that calls for a safety plan, especially if your partner has ever abused you or threatened to abuse you before. (Click here for helpful information to keep yourself safe.)

At this point in the steps, you still haven’t had to confront your partner yet. You are still in the Planning stages of discovery and support. There are four more steps to setting strong boundaries with an angry person, but Google and Bing like bite-sized blog posts, and so do millennials. (I see you, 20 somethings.) That’s why I’ve separated this post into two parts. These three steps are worth spending the extra time on, so I feel ok stopping at this point (sorry, not sorry.) It’s tempting to just skip to the part when you “Tell him the boundary already!” However, without doing the necessary leg work of these three important steps, your boundary could come out befuzzled, and go kerplunck as soon as it comes out. You know what I mean. You “kinda” set the boundary, “sorta” ask for what you need, and beat around the bush until you back-paddle and hide. Or  you do the opposite and make demands, chasing them down with character assassination. No Bueno. Neither work, and neither is healthy adult functioning.

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Spend some time on these first three steps until your needs and wants seem boringly normal, not lofty and unattainable. Be so sure and so solid of your own value that no amount of anger could shake you loose from your inherent worth.

Words of Warning: People who have a pattern of anger, hostility and emotional or physically abusive behavior need psychotherapeutic, and sometimes legal intervention. Without it, nothing will change. And even if counseling is engaged, there is no guarantee that he will put the effort in to truly changing. The process of setting boundaries with an angry person is less about whether he changes or not, and more about giving yourself what you need. If the angry person gets more hostile as a result of your insistence for respect, then consider legal advice, a no-contact order and supportive intervention from a third party.

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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