Posts Tagged: child ego state

What Resilient People Do to Cope with Relationship Shock

“I know this is hard for you to hear. It’s hard for me to say. But it’s time for me to make this decision. I want out…”


“I’m just not in love with you anymore…”


“There’s someone else…”


“I’m sorry to tell you this, but he’s gone. He died this morning…”

Words like this coming from someone close to you are devastating. One moment, you’re life is predictable, and the next you are reeling through time and space without direction or an end in sight. Last week we talked about the Relationship Shock Wave that comes out of no where and turns your world upside down. 

A Relationship Shock Wave like secret financial debt, secret affairs, secret sexual abuse, or unexpected death can put you in a child-ego state of powerlessness. You may feel as powerless, small and confused as a child. But the truth of the matter, is that you are an Adult. You are strong, and smart and capable. This Relationship Shock Wave may put you into your child-ego state of helplessness, but you don’t have to stay there. Here is a helpful comparison.

Child Ego State

  • Compulsive and reactive – “Have to” language 
  • Your fate is controlled by others
  • You’re only as important as the bigger people say  
  •  You know insufficiency, lack, and emotional poverty    
  • You don’t know enough to affect real change  
  • You don’t have enough to change my circumstances   
  • You’re not big enough for people to listen to me or take me seriously.

You may have a “flooding” experience when a Relationship Shock Wave occurs. The shock reminds your body and unconscious of something you’ve been through before like a trauma, abuse, abandonment, upheaval. The body feelings and trauma feelings come back in a wave and overwhelm you. The Relationship Shock puts you in a younger, powerless ego state and you feel helpless. This is normal to feel this way at first, but don’t let the flooding  stage debilitate you.

The truth of the matter is you are not that little person any more. You are a big person now, with big person power. You have choices today that you didn’t have back then. You have experience and capabilities and resources that you didn’t have back then. You are stronger now. 

Let the Truth of the matter pull you back to reality- the reality of your adult ego.

Adult Ego State

  • You accept Personal Choice and Responsibility  
  • You use “Want to” language instead of “have to” language
  • You destiny is up to you  
  • You’re as important as YOU say you are
  • You believe in abundance, sufficiency, and emotional health  
  • You know enough of what you need to know, and you will know what you need to know, when you need to know it  
  • You have enough of what you need for now, and you’ll have enough when you need it next
  • You’re big (smart, pretty, resourceful, skilled) enough for the task that’s required of you right now.

Everyone gets stuck in feelings from the past, and there is nothing like a Relationship Shock Wave to trigger flooding. However, resilient people, like yourself, work hard to enter back into their strong adult ego state. You’ve done hard things before, and you can do hard things again.

The Truth of the Matter is that this time around, you know you’re not alone. 

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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