Posts Tagged: communication

When Couples Counseling Isn’t Working

We all know that communication is key to happy relationships. I teach interpersonal communication and conflict resolution classes and I know the positive impact communication can have in the couples counseling session. But what about the relationships that just refuse to improve? That no matter how many communication skills are learned, progress just isn’t made?

Some relationships are so entrenched in destructive patterns, that no manner of communication can fix them. When improved communication does not improve a relationship, I usually look to deeper reasons of toxicity.

When Communication Skills Don’t Work

Communication skills can solve a host of issues, help with understanding, improve problem solving and build relationships. But there are some things it can’t do. Communication, by itself, can not help a couple when…

  1. There’s a secret– sometimes relationships can not improve because one partner is keeping a secret. These secrets range from hiding an affair, a gambling addiction, a financial crisis, or an entire secret identity. If honesty and trustworthiness is not at the core of a relationship, it is doomed. Communication without full honesty is just lying to someone.
  2. There’s a lack of empathy– sometimes a partner simply can not or will not feel empathy for the other person. One partner refuses to put him/herself in the other person’s shoes because it makes him/her feel weak or vulnerable. This type of person can learn complex communication skills, but without compassion, the relationship will fail. Communication without empathy is just talking at someone.
  3. There’s a power imbalance– some relationships adopt a hierarchical structure where one person has more power than the other. This partner uses his/her hierarchical dominance to control the other person. Equal treatment, privileges, or priorities are not given to both partners. Communication without equality is just talking down to someone.
  4. There’s abuse– abuse comes in a lot of forms. Psychological, religious, financial, physical, sexual, emotional abuse occurs when one partner intimidates, harms, takes advantage of, or manipulates the other for personal gain, control or dominance. Communication without safety is just talking abusively.
  5. There’s apathy– some relationships consist of one highly motivated person and one apathetic person. The motivated person feels all talked out, and wants to see real action. However, if the conversations don’t result in tangible change, then communication is useless. Communication without follow through is pointless.
  6. There’s addiction– if addiction is present within the relationship (alcohol, prescription meds, marijuana, gambling, porn, etc.) counseling will offer little help until the addiction is addressed and treated. Communication without addiction-recovery is sickness.
hopeful woman
If you find yourself in a relationship where mere communication is not helping, then put your energies into becoming as healthy as possible. Make a commitment to yourself to invest in your emotional, spiritual and physical life. In the face of feeling the sorrow and anxiety of a difficult relationship, give yourself some nurture and friendship. Ask God to give you clarity and comfort.

Simple Strategies for Date Night

Yesterday, I had a craving for chips and salsa. I started thinking about it around lunch time, but couldn’t take a break until an hour or two later. I salivated at the first hint of salsa in the bowl, opened the tortilla chip bag, and plunged in. Smelling the “hint of lime” and readying my pallet for heaven, I was deeply disappointed when I tasted the chips were stale.

Noooooo! How can this be? How old are these? Who opened these in the first place? Who didn’t put a clip on them? Arg!

42109893 - portrait of romantic young african american couple in park

Well, sometimes marriage can get stale too, especially if it is not cared for the way it needs. I’ve been writing a good bit on destructive relationships, and have gotten tons of positive feedback. But today, I want to address marriages that don’t fall into the “destructive” category. Today, we will talk about one way to Make Good Marriages Great.

The Great Date

We can all agree that date nights are important, but are difficult to schedule with competing calendars. This kid has practice, that kid has rehearsal, one partner works late, and the other one travels. It’s hard to carve out time for each other, but not impossible. Here are some ideas to help you make Date Night Great!

  1. Prioritize: one goal of marriage is to stay married and happy long after the kids are gone. Prioritizing time together now, can make life together later much more satisfying. Prioritizing together time, may require saying “no” to other events and invitations. This may be a necessary sacrifice in order to put the marriage 1st. My first clinical supervisor was married with teenagers and dated his wife every Friday night. EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT! They made an impression on Mr. Dashing and I early in our marriage to always make together-time a priority.
  2. Invest a Little: Good date nights don’t always take a lot of money, but don’t be afraid to spend a little extra money to make it special. Date nights are special. With some thoughtfulness, the couple can feel special to each other too. When we spend money on something, we are more likely to value it and treat it with care.
  3. Do Something Fun: Shared experiences turn into shared memories which turn into strong bonds. Doing something creative, new, different or active gets the body and the brain engaged, and results in lower stress, release of feel-good endorphins, and even a bump in the attachment hormone called oxytocin.
  4. Stay Positive: Date nights in general, should be a positive experience for both people. Of course date nights can be used for problem solving, hashing out issues, or venting every once in a while. However, date nights shouldn’t always be a beat down or a melt down. They should be a “shot in the arm,” infusing the fun, the closeness and the romance back into your relationship.
  5. Take Initiative: Some couples get stuck on “who’s turn is it” and “I planned it last time” and “I have to do all the work to make date night happen.” Instead of complaining, nagging and perpetuating the problem, communicate something like, “I really miss you, and I want to have some together time. I’ll find the baby sitter. Will you plan the date?”

45115567 - old man and woman in warm clothes sitting in park at leisure

Mr. Dashing and I will be looking into fun date nights soon… we will be celebrating year #21 in June. Our marriage is finally old enough to drink! We both agree, that investing in the relationship we have now, will give us many happy years to come. (no, that is not a picture of what we look like!) What fun date nights have you had? Feel free to share!

How to Have That Difficult Conversation

Are you avoiding a difficult conversation? Maybe you are afraid of an explosive reaction, or of being minimized or turned down. It is normal to have disagreements and hurt feelings in close relationships. Even the strongest relationships must address painful issues. Difficult subject matter like hurt feelings, broken promises, or dishonest dealings have the potential to ruin a relationship. But skillful communication can help a couple face the difficulty together.

friends-walking

Today, I want to give you a little gift of communication. I want you to have the SECRET WEAPON to trans-formative conflict resolution so that all your relationships, whether at home, work or school, benefit.

When you have to set a boundary, challenge a behavior, or get more information in the relationship, you may stress about how to do it with the least amount of discomfort to both parties. If you are in a strong and mutually respectful relationship, this tips and skills may be hard, but doable with practice.

  • The truth hurts. The honest truth, when presented with love and respect should hurt, but never harm. Like a flue shot that stings and leaves your arm sore for a day. The shot hurts, but is protecting you from something much more painful and giving you a gift of immunity.
  • Wait until you’re ready. Especially if you think the conversation could turn volatile. Take some time to think, journal, pray and research your topic. Pay attention to how you feel, and what you need.
  • Find a Good Place and Time. Think about the venue that would make you most comfortable and provide you the most support. Maybe you want to have it over coffee in a public café. Maybe you want to have it with a third party present, or in a private office away from others. Maybe you want to have it when the kids are at grandma’s house. The place and time doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be good enough.
  • Think about your own contribution. It’s good to take a look at your role in the situation and see how you contributed to the break down in communication or unhealthy dynamic. Be able to verbalize that in a way that honors both of you.

When you are ready to have your difficult conversation, the following formula is the gold standard.

When you say/do A___, I feel B___. I want you to do C instead.

For example, Jessica wants to tell Byron how hard it is for her to listen to him yell at the kids.

Example: Jessica can say, “Byron, I want to tell you that I’m sorry for not being as proactive as I could be with the kids. Sometimes I let them run too wild for too long, and then they get really crazy in the house. That’s my part, and I am working on being more proactive. I also have something I want to talk to you about. I feel frightened for the kids when you yell at them the way you do. I am scared that you are hurting their hearts with what you say. I am scared that your anger is doing real harm to them. I want you to talk to someone about your anger.”

couple in storm

In a strong relationship, Byron would respond, “Thanks for recognizing your responsibility and not laying into me. I am frustrated when I come home and the kids are acting like circus clowns. But I don’t have to yell at them the way I do. I actually feel really bad when I lose my temper with them. I see the way they look when I yell, and I don’t want to hurt them. Would you go to a parenting class with me, so we can get on the same page with the kids?”

This interaction may seem impossible in your situation. Maybe you can see your difficult conversation explode in your face. Maybe you feel like too many past hurtful words have put a wedge between you and your partner. However, if both parties are amenable to personal change and growth, thoughtful communication is a great first step toward healing.

swingset

What if it doesn’t work?

These tips are designed to help couples avoid the pitfalls of defensiveness, sarcasm, and shifting blame during their difficult conversations. So, if after trying these tips and skills you find yourself wounded because the conversation turned hostile, you may need additional help. Relationships with a power imbalance or untreated anger or anxiety take a lot more intervention than “good communication” can do by itself. In fact, even the most expert communication cannot heal the wound of relationship abuse, or emotional sickness. Toxicity in relationships must be addressed with skilled therapeutic intervention.

How to Feel Closer: Part II

Last week, we talked about feeling far away and cut off from the people you love. We talked about losing out on truly knowing your partner, and he/she truly knowing  you. We talked about how most people fear intimacy and unconsciously build a wall against it because intimacy makes us feel vulnerable and exposed.

Well, today we will explore the three things LOSERS (those who LOSE OUT on truly knowing each other) must do to become LOVERS instead.

Couples who find themselves Losing Out on each other are in the PRIME POSITION for their next INTIMACY BREAKTHROUGH. Instead of thinking of your relationship as irreparably broken, think of it as a PERFECT OPPORTUNITY to GROW into something better than you imagined.

Why? Because I see Intimacy Breakthroughs every day. They happen. And You can Make them happen in your relationships too.

Here are three things that will help you get the INTIMACY that you miss with your partner.

1. Have “THE” Conversation. A lot of times, we neglect having the really important conversations with each other because we are afraid they will turn out badly. We think that bringing up difficult material or painful feelings will push the other person further away. However, if you are thoughtful and skilled with HOW you talk with your partner, you will be surprised at how well THE conversation can go.

Choose a time when neither is upset or tired. Use the ABC method of asking for what you need. Don’t use the words, “You need to,” or “You always/never,” or “You shouldn’t.” Instead, use words like, “I feel,” or “I want,” or “I need.” Remind yourself and your partner of your relationship strengths, his/her positive attributes, and why you loved him/her in the first place. Show empathy and teach your partner how to show empathy toward you. If you try these steps and they don’t go well, then invite a third party to help facilitate the conversation. The best and the brightest people I know ask for help when they need it.

2. Breaking Down Walls: Sometimes years of bitterness have built up because of past unresolved hurts. It is important to approach your partner with a commitment to own your contribution to the past problems. Take responsibility for lacking sensitivity, discouraging words or being overly avoidant/reactive. You may believe that your partner has more blame than you do. You might even be right. However, being right is not the goal- being close is. Make the first step toward closeness by apologizing for your part in the relationship coldness.

I know apologizing is hard to do, especially when you feel like the other person is more to blame. But saying you’re sorry can be the first step in breaking down defenses and warming up to each other again. It’s ok if you are the person to make the first step TOWARD your partner.  Let God help you.

3. Getting back some US time. Before the flames of intimacy heat up, you’ll need to practice alone time together. Making a habit of spending quality time together may not come easy. Pressures and life’s responsibilities can crowd out needed couples time. Do what it takes to carve this time out weekly or every other week. 

When Sweet and Sassy were young, Mr. Dashing and I would put them to bed early on Wednesdays, and have in-house date night. The hit series, LOST came on at 8, and we usually built a fire, poured some wine and toasted to “Alone Time.” It wasn’t a big thing, but it was OUR thing. Now that our kids are older, we try to get away on Saturday mornings while they sleep in. We don’t tell them that we go to their favorite diner for breakfast… without them. Shoot, they are still asleep by the time we get back!

From You Version Bible App. So cool- download- you'll love these pics.

From You Version Bible App. So cool- download- you’ll love these pics.

Whether it’s your spouse or friend or son, chose a relationship to start working on. Carve out a little one on one time where you can reconnect and make one another feel special.

You are important. Your relationships are important, too. You are worth the extra time and effort it takes to strengthen your relationship muscles. Let me know how it goes!

Say (only) What You Need to Say

Do you think of the perfect comeback 2 days too late? Do you ever find yourself thinking, “Why didn’t I say that when I had the chance?” We all have times where we regret what we said or didn’t say. 

Good morning to the best people on earth! Today we will be talking about taking risks in your communication and saying the things that need to be said in your most significant relationships.

I teach public speaking at Northwest University, and seriously, if they stopped paying me, I think I’d still teach this class. I have a ridiculous amount of fun with my students. Most students do NOT look forward to this class in the beginning, but it quickly becomes one of their favorites- partly because their fear of looking foolish in class disappears, and partly because they begin bonding with their peers. I do my best to create an environment where failure and success often come in the same breath, where risk-taking gets the highest score, not perfection, and pushing yourself beyond your limits is just part of the deal.

Each student is encouraged to push themselves until they feel uncomfortable. Each student is required to take a risk with their topics, their delivery, and their style. I want them to know what if feels like to be scared, and then to work through it. I want them to lose their place and have to get creative. I want them to tell a joke that doesn’t fly and learn how to recover.

After all, if you can’t experiment with yourself here, where can you do it?

Same applies to our relationships.

I wonder if we could all create that same kind of environment inside of ourselves. One where it is safe to mess up, safe to try new things even if they don’t work, and safe to experiment. Especially when it comes to communication. I wonder if we gave ourselves permission to say what we needed to say, to push ourselves to be uncomfortable, to take a risk in a relationship and to speak up- I wonder what growth would happen.

You should see my college students after the semester is over. They are truly different speakers- brave, confident, self-secure and skilled- not to mention life long friends with their class mates. 

What about you? If you created a loving and safe place inside yourself to truly be yourself, what would your true self say? Who would she say it to? 

Often times, fear of rejection, abandonment or humiliation keep us from speaking up. We can’t stop these things from happening around uss- but we can stop them from happening INside us. Promise yourself, that you will not abandon or shame yourself. Make your internal world a safe place to take risks, speak up, and stand up.

For the quiet/passive type: what you have to say is important, even if you’re afraid of rocking the boat. Without your full participation in the world, the world lacks what it needs. Your relationships are counting on you showing up.

For the over-functioner/controlling type: don’t speak up. Try breathing deep and letting go. Do the opposite of what you usually do and see how responsibility shifts to the appropriate person. Learn the skill of EDITING yourself down. Say less, and make what you say more powerful.

Saying (only) What You Need to Say is not only risky, scary and hard- it is liberating. The secret to powerful communication is standing firm in who you are, reaching up to the One who made you, and out to the people you love.

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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