Posts Tagged: depression

If You Can’t Change Them…

One of the most important skills I have learned in life, is letting go of trying to control other people’s emotions. Many people believe that they are responsible for other people’s feelings. They believe that they need to protect others from their feelings, change other’s feelings from bad to good, or control them completely. But I’ve found that this is an impossible task. One that leaves people feelings anxious, depressed and more stressed than they need to be. When people are raised to feel responsible for other people’s feelings, they may not know that they have the option to do otherwise.
Most people don’t recognize they are doing it. They don’t recognize that this codependent way of life is causing harm to themselves and others. Feeling responsible to make other people happy or ok is an unwinnable game.

So why do we try?

How do folks learn to be responsible for other people’s feelings? You may have been raised in a family where people convinced you that you were responsible for their well being. In a healthy family, a child is made responsible for things appropriate to their age and stage of development. A healthy family instills the acceptance of personal boundaries, and behavior respectful of others’ boundaries. However, in some less-than-healthy families, children are made responsible for things far beyond their control, resulting in their developing into adults with poor or no boundaries.

Examples

  • A father working on a broken car engine becomes angry with a stuck and rusted part wont budge. The child nearby playing in the sprinklers is yelled at and shamed when the splash reaches the father. The child leaves that interaction feeling like he did something to deserve the outrageous anger, even though the father’s anger has nothing to do with the boy. This child may either grow up being conflict avoidant or an angry person blaming others for his anger.
  • A mother struggling with depression feels abandoned by her husband.  In her grief, she looks to her daughter for comfort, communicating to the daughter that she is powerful enough to help her mother’s depression. But there’s a downside. When the daughter inevitably cannot sooth the mother’s depression, she will feel powerless, helpless and shame for not being a “helpful enough” daughter. This girl will likely grow up abandoning her own feelings in order to take care of everyone else’s feelings. She will not be able to address her own needs.
  • A daughter who sits secretively listening to her parent’s fighting intervenes just before it comes to blows. The father slams the door shut and the mother begins to cry, while the child tries to make her parent’s marriage better. The daughter grows up to believe she has the responsibility to mediate, to protect and to keep peace. This girl may grow up to believe that her role in life is to abandon her own needs, and keep other people from their painful feelings.

Is it Really OK to stop trying to make other people happy?

I know it’s hard, but you have to do it. Letting other people have, own and manage their own emotions is good for you and good for them. When you allow others to have their own feelings, you:

  1. empower them to self sooth and to learn self control.
  2. reinforce the necessary boundary between you and them.
  3. turn your attention back to yourself for greater self awareness.
  4. grow your ego strength.
  5. attend to your own needs and emotions…. yay!!! and sometimes for the first time in a long time!

Steps to letting go.

  • When you notice that the other person is experiencing a strong emotion like anger, fear or sadness, look inside yourself and see what you’re experiencing. Is it agitation, stress or compulsion? Is it dread, guilt, or fear? Is it a temptation to jump in to “fix it or make it better?” Or is it “Run! far far away!”  Notice what you’re feeling and make a quick plan to address it.
  • When someone is expressing their emotion (anger, fear, sadness, happiness) learn what it means to empathize without fixing or avoiding. this is not a skill learned easily or quickly, but it is a skill that can be learned. Say things to yourself like, “He is angry, and he can have his anger. I won’t try to talk him out of it. But I don’t have to fix it, control it, or excuse it.”
  • When you believe someone is “dumping” their feelings on you and wants you to fix them, you can practice saying things like, “that sounds so hard, I’m sorry you’re going through that. What are you going to do about it?” Once you ask this question, refrain from answering it for them or helping them solve their problem. Remember, it is for them to solve. (Yay! it’s not your responsibility!)

Letting other people have their own emotions is scary and freeing all at the same time. If you’re a mother, try it with your kids. If you’re a daughter or son, try it with your parent. Little by little, you will be the boss of your own emotions, and you’ll empower others to do the same. So, if you can’t change them (and you can’t) then let go. It feels way better.

 

 

Ten Secrets to Understanding Entrepreneur Depression: and What to do About Them

If you’re reading this, it’s because you or someone you love is a bright, talented, motivated person with big ideas… and possibly at risk for depression too. If you’re familiar with entrepreneurism, and the personality that often accompanies it, you’ll know that failures common to entrepreneurialism can cause depression. 

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Entrepreneurs often feel alone in their endeavors, their challenges, and yes, even their emotional ups and downs. They recognize they are a little different. They know they are not like the rest. They are a little more driven, a little more obsessed and a little less content than the average person.  However, every strength twins as a weakness. Every positive has it’s negative. And every driven, high performing, hard-working entrepreneur has a down side. Often that down side is depression. Here are the top 10 problems common to entrepreneurs that lead to depression, and steps to turn it around.

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Top 10 Problems Common to Entrepreneurs

1.      Feigned optimism. Entrepreneurs need others to believe in them for their ventures to succeed. Often, they don’t feel like they can show doubts, fears or insecurities because it will lead others to doubt. Hiding these feelings compounds them and makes them worse.

2.      Impossible Goal Conflict. Entrepreneurs feel damned if they do and damned if they don’t. They feel trapped into the impossible task of making investors, employees and family happy, often feeling like they fail at all three.

3.      Future Tripping: Entrepreneurs’ minds may frequently review all the worst-case scenarios, trying to find imaginary solutions to things that never actually happen. Resting, meditating or staying in the present actually feels lazy and unproductive to them. Unfortunately, future tripping is a fast track to a depression crash.

4.      Musterbation: Entrepreneurs often feel a sense of being over responsible for too many things and to too many people. These things are largely out of their control, but they try to control them anyway. Their impossible expectations of perfection sound like, “I must be my best,” and  “I must make the right decision,” and “I must not let them down.” They musterbate themselves into a hole, leaving little energy for creative problem solving.

5.      Rumination: Regret can be a real killer if it is not effectively used for forward learning. Entrepreneurs have to collect a few failures under their belt in order to qualify as real entrepreneurs, right? But belaboring those failures can negate their usefulness.

6.      Chronic Anxiety: Acute stress is the reaction to an immediate threat and is considered desirable as it primes your brain for peak performance. But Chronic, unresolved stress increases the stress hormone cortisol and affects brain functioning, and can increase the occurrence of mood disorders and physical illness. Entrepreneurs can go from one stressor to the next without taking necessary time to debrief.

7.      Risky Business: The challenge is what excites the entrepreneur, but an environment fraught with interminable risk of failure can haunt the most positive among us. Starting a new business often requires a serious amount of debt in the beginning. The pressure of being indebted can take entrepreneurs to their breaking point.

8.      PTSD. Seriously. I’m not even joking. Once an entrepreneur has tasted painful, dream wrecking failure, traumatic residue is left behind making current risk seem bigger, scarier and insurmountable. But the scale of the current problem is a lot less than the scale of the emotional reaction.

9.      Hypomanic Let Downs: Sometimes entrepreneurs’ ambitious, little-to-no-sleep, hyperactive, get-er-done high life comes down. Down off the high. Whether it’s after a launch, or after a great accomplishment or a less than fantastic result, the high ends in a low. They leave their team, they go home, and the let down is real.

10.   Isolation and Lack of support: It’s no surprise to an entrepreneur that it’s lonely at the top. And at the bottom too, for that matter. They feel like they don’t have a “trusted someone” to talk things over with, or who truly understands the pressure.

Well, that list was depressing.

If you’re an entrepreneur, you know that the same passions that drive you, can consume you too. It’s necessary to put those passions outside of yourself just long enough to take care of yourself. Here’s how.

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So What Should You Do to Cope?

  1. The older, the wiser and the more seasoned among us would say, “Take a One-Day-at-a-Time approach.”
  2. Be honest about the way you’re feeling. You can be honest about your insecurities and still be strong. Seriously. It’s a thing.
  3. Instead of musterbating and ruminating, take a day to play. Do something enjoyable, for Pete’s sake. Remember, you’re not God so you don’t have to be perfect.
  4. Instead of anxiously asking yourself, “What if this happens,” or “what if that happens,” tell yourself, “Whatever happens, I’ll be able to handle it. I’ve done hard things before, I can do hard things again.”
  5. Anxiety kills creativity.  So instead of fueling chronic stress, treat it to a doctor’s visit.
  6. When in doubt, run it out. Remember physical exercise is your brain’s friend. And you like your brain. You want it to work well.
  7. Meditate. This is a skill that can be taught and learned, and can rejuvenate a tired mind.
  8. Self-worth doesn’t equal net worth. Be kind to yourself before you’re a success. Don’t make self-love conditional on your success.
  9. PTSD requires a skilled clinician to treat it well. Treatment doesn’t have to take months and months. Depending on the circumstance, PTSD can be treated relatively quickly.
  10. Reach out to others in similar boats. Tell your story, and let them tell theirs. Make sure you are actively involved with other people who have similar passions and experiences. Spending time together will help you recharge.

I’ve talked with brilliant, motivated, skilled people who, because of facing too many failures too many times, started to consider suicide as a way out. One man told me that his experience of bankruptcy felt so hopeless and humiliating, it drove him to consider ending his life. His thoughts truly scared him. He didn’t know he could drop so low, but he had. It was then, that he reached out to a counselor and some family members about how he was feeling. He took a bold step to get the help he needed. Today, he is running a very successful business and is just about ready to sell it for 20 times the amount he started with.

If you are an entrepreneur and have faced feelings of depression, I hope you know you are in good company.The world needs your creativity, your vibrancy and your stick-to-it-tive-ness. Don’t let another day go by without giving yourself the support you need.

How to Set Boundaries with an Angry Person: Part I

Have you tried to talk sense with someone who is hell bent on being right? Have you tried to say “no” to someone only to acquiesce in order to calm him down? If you are in a relationship with an angry person, you know just how difficult it is to set a boundary, ask for something you need, or say “no” to something he wants.

Dealing with an angry person over long periods of time, can end up making you feel down, hopeless and even depressed.

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That’s why setting boundaries with angry people is absolutely necessary to your emotional health. Anger can be used to control you with fear and threats. You may feel intimidated to hold an angry person accountable for fear of reprisal. Angry people use their angry, threatening persona to keep from having to take responsibility for their actions.

Women in relationships with angry men often feel small and insignificant, as though their needs and opinions are less important than their husband’s. Sometimes I hear women say things like, “It’s just better to be quiet,” or “I walk on eggshells,” or “Nothing I say is ever right.” This dynamic slowly erodes a women’s sense of worth and joy, leaving her to live in quiet fear and depression.

Setting boundaries is a crucial step when trying to change a relationship power imbalance. The practice of setting boundaries can actually return a sense of value and empowerment to the woman setting them.

What is a boundary: a boundary is a limit or expectation placed between two people. Neighbors have property lines. Business partners have shares. We operate under spoken and unspoken agreements all the time. Problems arise in relationships when the boundary lines are disrespected, unclear, or manipulated for the gain of power. The best way to understand healthy boundaries is simply having the ability to share an opinion, need or limit with the expectation of it being respected and accommodated for.

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  1. Step One: Without sharing anything with your partner yet, identify your needs, wants and limits. Explore them, legitimize them and journal them. What is it that you need, but are afraid to ask for? Give yourself permission to value your own needs, wants and limits. Be specific. What do you need financially, emotionally, physically, personally, spiritually? Do you need your partner to get help for his addiction, his anger, or his anxiety? Allow yourself the freedom to brainstorm about your own needs and wants.
  2. Step Two: Research ways to meet your own needs and limits. Explore your options and resources. Put some effort, investment and time into honoring and meeting those needs and limits. Do you want your own gym membership? Your own bank account? More privacy? More space? Hired help for the house or kids? Marriage counseling? Weekly massage?  Look into ways that you can get the support and self care you need. The more options you give yourself, the more power and freedom you will feel. Now wait-a-minute, wait-a-minute. I know what you’re thinking. “He’s just going to say “NO” to anything I need or ask for!” You might be exactly right. But right now, you are exploring your needs and limits, and what you believe to be reasonable. Resist the temptation to filter your needs through his approval.
  3. Step Three: Get Support. It is advisable to invite a third party into the conversation. Whether pastor, friend or counselor, a third party can help you verbalize your needs, and help your partner hear with an open mind. You may feel unsafe or afraid to set a boundary without the accountability of someone your husband respects. If so, that is a good signal to invite extra reinforcements. Some women will skip this step because, “Talking about his anger problem with the pastor will only make him angrier. I’ll pay for it once we get home.” This may be very true. This can be a very scary situation that calls for a safety plan, especially if your partner has ever abused you or threatened to abuse you before. (Click here for helpful information to keep yourself safe.)

At this point in the steps, you still haven’t had to confront your partner yet. You are still in the Planning stages of discovery and support. There are four more steps to setting strong boundaries with an angry person, but Google and Bing like bite-sized blog posts, and so do millennials. (I see you, 20 somethings.) That’s why I’ve separated this post into two parts. These three steps are worth spending the extra time on, so I feel ok stopping at this point (sorry, not sorry.) It’s tempting to just skip to the part when you “Tell him the boundary already!” However, without doing the necessary leg work of these three important steps, your boundary could come out befuzzled, and go kerplunck as soon as it comes out. You know what I mean. You “kinda” set the boundary, “sorta” ask for what you need, and beat around the bush until you back-paddle and hide. Or  you do the opposite and make demands, chasing them down with character assassination. No Bueno. Neither work, and neither is healthy adult functioning.

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Spend some time on these first three steps until your needs and wants seem boringly normal, not lofty and unattainable. Be so sure and so solid of your own value that no amount of anger could shake you loose from your inherent worth.

Words of Warning: People who have a pattern of anger, hostility and emotional or physically abusive behavior need psychotherapeutic, and sometimes legal intervention. Without it, nothing will change. And even if counseling is engaged, there is no guarantee that he will put the effort in to truly changing. The process of setting boundaries with an angry person is less about whether he changes or not, and more about giving yourself what you need. If the angry person gets more hostile as a result of your insistence for respect, then consider legal advice, a no-contact order and supportive intervention from a third party.

But Will You Still Love Me If…

Do your kids know you love them? I mean, KNOW you love them? What communicates love even louder than words? 

Let’s take the story of Shane. Once a content kid, now his mood was darkening, and he spent more time in his room than usual. He wasn’t in the mood to eat. He didn’t go over to friends’ houses to hang out. He spent all his time sketching disturbing pictures. About death. 

Not good.

This boy was a talented baseball player. His team was so good, they won the regional Little League Championship. He was very skilled and hard working, but something was “off.” His worried parents took him to a counselor to check it out.  The boy reported liking baseball, his coaches, and his team mates. 

So what was up? Why was this kid unhappy? It seemed like so much was going for him? After spending some time with him, and talking over the pictures he was drawing, the counselor asked him what his parents thought about his baseball playing.

He said his dad was really glad about him being such a good player, and that he got really into the games. He said that his mom tried to calm his dad down sometimes, espeically if he was getting too mad or too loud.

Hmmm. The counselor asked, “So, do you feel a lot of pressure to play well? To make your dad happy?” The boy went silent. Hmmm. It was time to bring the parents in.

The counselor said to the parents, “I have this hunch that your son wonders if your love for him has to do with how well he plays on the baseball field.” Both parents were quiet. They were visibly concerned for their son. They looked at each other and quietly said, “Shane, is that true? Do you feel like that?” 

Shane looked down at his sketch book and nodded avoiding their eyes. Dad teared up and put his head in his hands. Mom reached out to hug her son. They were dismayed that their boy only felt lovable when he played well. They assured the counselor that they told him they loved him every day. Dad said, “My father never told me he loved me so I make sure I tell Shane all the time.”

But, “I love you if…” was communicated louder than, “I love you. Period.”

How could this happen to well-meaning, loving parents?

The counselor brainstormed why this could be. Maybe it was the way mom and dad fought over how much money baseball cost. Maybe it was because dad talked too much about how Shane could play better. Maybe it was because mom didn’t teach her husband what she intuitively knew, that boys need affection from their fathers as much as guidance.

Maybe all these things and more communicated conditional love to Shane- a type of love that was earned. These parents were good and loving parents that had their true message of love crowded out by other stuff.

 

After they shook off their inital shock, both parents affirmed their unconditional love for their son and said, “It doesn’t matter if you play good or bad, or if you hit a home run or strike out, you’re our son and we love you. Do you know that, Shane? Do you know that we love you even if you quit baseball right now?

Shane looked up to see his dad’s face, and Dad’s face was earnest. It gave Shane the courage to tell him how he felt.

“But, it’s like you don’t even care about how I feel. It’s just ”do better, play harder, practice more. It’s like you don’t even like me for me anymore. You just like baseball. No, you love baseball more than me. That’s how I feel.”

More silence. Then Dad said something the counselor didn’t expect, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Shane. I never felt like my dad loved me either.” More silence. With tears in his eyes, Dad said,  “I never want you to feel that way. What can I do to make it better?”

The counselor helped them establish cues that Shane could give his dad when he felt bad about himself, or when he was afraid of Dad’s disappointment. They brainstormed ways they could communicate with baseball signs how they were feeling. Shane’s demeanor brightened.

Dad said he would try to be “less animated” at the games.  Shane laughed, and said, “Yeah, right!” Then mom laughed. And then Dad laughed too. Dad said with a sheepish grin, “Ok, Ok! I get it, I can get carried away.” Then Mom and Shane ribbed Dad about the way he acted at games. Dad swallowed hard and showed the necessary humility to say, “Even though I want you to play hard at your games, I don’t want you to feel like I love baseball more than you. I’m sorry for making you think that.”

Unconditional Love? This family totally nailed it.

To be accepted unconditionally is to be loved; to be received willingly, given favor and to have the best believed of you. Unconditional acceptance is not based on performance, obedience or perfection.  

Shane’s depression didn’t go away over night, but his parents willingness to communicate, understand and do things differently was a huge step in the right direction.

WHAT THIS FAMILY DID RIGHT

  1. THEY SOUGHT HELP  They didn’t let embarrassment or shame keep them from asking for help. Counseling was not taboo for them, they invited the help they needed.
  2. THEY READ THE SIGNS They were right to be concerned about their son, who’s mood and behavior showed classic signs of depression. Mom and Dad knew that the morbid sketches, isolation and mood change was not normal or ok.
  3. THEY REACHED OUT Instead of pulling away and pulling inward, they responded to their son’s pain with understanding and comfort. Mom reached out to hug their son, and Dad responded with gestures of authentic grief.
  4. THEY EMPATHIZED Dad normalized Shane’s feelings by empathizing. Dad said he knew what it felt like to feel unloved, and he understood the pain Shane was feeling. He got it.
  5. THEY TOOK A STEP Dad coupled the apology with action. Not only did Dad express grief for Shane’s pain, he also took action to make some changes.
  6. THEY DIDN’T SHAME Neither parent was defensive saying shaming comments like, “Well, he shouldn’t feel that way,” or “How could he think that? We always say we love him, ” or “That’s just silly, he needs to get over it!”
  7. THEY KNEW HOW TO LAUGH AT THEMSELVES  Both parents knew how to laugh at themselves. Their laughing communicated that Dad knows he get’s too riled up at the games, and that he sometimes can be a tad rediculous. By all of them laughing together, they deflated the shame of dad’s over-doing it.

YOU NEED UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE TOO! Don’t offer yourself love IF you lose that weight, or IF you get that promotion, or IF that first date calls for a second date. Love yourself with the unconditional love that God offers you-

unmerited, unearned, and unconditional.

Don’t pressure yourself to be perfect. You will feel the same way Shane did- depressed, lonely, and powerless. When you feel down on yourself because you just can’t get life “right,” take the steps that Shane’s parents did. Get help, Reach out, nurture yourself, refuse to shame yourself, and get in the habit of not taking yourself so seriously.

When have you experienced unconditional love before? When have you found yourself offering love with conidtions like these parents? How did you take your next right step to make it better?

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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