Posts Tagged: emotional abuse

10 Strategies Emotional Manipulators Use to Get Their Way

Posted November 22nd, 2018 | Michelle Hollomon

Do you love an emotionally manipulative person? Someone who has a history of broken relationships, anger problems, and self-centered habits? Emotionally Manipulative people are geniuses at getting you to look past their faults so they can get their own way. If you have dealt with this kind of personality, you know how crazy-making and frustrating life can be.

Being in a relationship with an emotional manipulator can seem great at first. They use Attraction Strategies (listed below) in order to look appealing and get you hooked. Once you are hooked (paying for him, sleeping with him, feeling sorry for him, or making him look good), he/she shifts to Control Strategies (listed below) where you become the commodity to be exploited, used and controlled.

Attraction Strategies

  1. Love bombs. If you fell for an emotional manipulator, you probably have said to yourself, “Well, he wasn’t that way in the beginning.” And you’re right. In the beginning, he probably inundated you with compliments, gifts, promises, desire and affection. He called, texted, stopped by all the time and never wanted you to leave his side. He bombed you with so much attention, the smoke hid his true character.
  2. Show Off. Like a peacock in mating season, he worked very hard in getting you to like him in the beginning of your relationship. He showed you only the positive traits, hiding anything that would make him seem less appealing. People with negative traits to hide put on a show so you will only see what they want you to see.
  3. Over Talking. In the beginning you may not be able to get a word in edgewise, as he tells you about his life, his accomplishments, and other things that make you feel amazed, sympathetic, admiration and even attraction. Maybe you even wonder why he, such an important person is paying attention to little-ole-you.
  4. Sob Story. Emotional Manipulators look for empathic people to listen, care, and even feel sorry for them. An emotional manipulator may legitimately have a tragic background, however, he uses his tragedy to manipulate your good nature. If he can get you to see him as the victim, then you will have a more difficult time holding him accountable for his bad behavior.

Control Strategies

  1. Silence treatment. Emotional Manipulators use silence to punish, control, and slowly breakdown your will. Silence “seems” benign in nature, but it is actually one of the cruelest forms of psychological manipulation. Being with someone who actively ignores you can be excruciating. You may start to internalize this feeling to the point of feeling invisible.
  2. Public humiliation. An emotionally manipulative person does not hesitate in making you look bad in front of others so he can look good. If embarrassing you in public means that he’ll impress someone, he will do it. If cutting someone down makes him one-up, that is what he will do.
  3. Threat of harm. Emotional Manipulators may use all kinds of threats against you in order to control and intimidate you into doing what he wants. Many things can be used to threaten you, like withholding finances, turning your kids against you, or tarnishing your reputation with your family or friends. He may even become physically threatening or abusive.
  4. Threat of self-harm. Sometimes, the emotional manipulator will even threaten to harm himself in order to get you to back down, stay put or stop wanting things to change.
  5. Badgering. Have you heard the saying, “death by a thousand paper cuts?” An Emotional Manipulator will badger, harass, and pester his partner relentlessly until she is worn down enough to give in. You may especially experience this tactic as a response to setting a boundary with him. You may feel like you are up against a high pressure salesmen who won’t take “no” for an answer.
  6. Limitation of your Power: An Emotional Manipulator will try to control you by limiting your access to resources, friends, and family. You may feel shut out of the finances, forbidden to seek counseling, or cut off from your friends and family. The Emotional Manipulator is threatened by your power, and will try  to minimize it as much as possible to keep you in his control.

 

Dealing with emotionally manipulative personalities can be exhausting. You may start to feel hopeless, and maybe even worthless. It takes courage to seek professional help when feeling overwhelmed, but each small step toward health and healing is a step in the right direction. Seeking professional help can help you create a plan to deal this this manipulative behavior and put you on the path toward recovery.

In the following weeks, I will take each strategy and offer solutions to help you deal with the Emotional Manipulator in your life. My goal is to help you reclaim the power in your life so you can live happily and freely again.

Need Help Now? You can order my book to help solving your relationships today.

Emotional Abuse: 16 Signs that it’s Happening to You

Posted March 29th, 2018 | Michelle Hollomon

Are you living in an emotionally toxic relationship? Women often know there is something wrong in their relationship because of the fighting and the terrible things that are said, but they want to believe the best about their partners. They don’t want to believe that their partner is actually emotionally abusive. How can they know for sure? Emotional Abuse seems so ambiguous, that many victims feel silly even bringing it up. Since emotional abuse doesn’t leave physical wounds or scars, it is sometimes ignored. But did you know that emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse?

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Many couples will have infrequent arguments where both say things they regret. Many couples get into dysfunctional habits and cycles that cause problems in the long run. However, emotional abuse is different. Emotional abuse is pervasive, repeated and a perpetual relational style of keeping a one-up/ one-down status in the relationship. The following are signs of Emotional Abuse.

16 Signs of Emotional Abuse

  1. Blame: They tend to blame you for their own mistakes. Even if you had nothing to do with it or weren’t even around, somehow it becomes your fault.
  2. Fights Are Huge: Every couple has arguments, and may even say hurtful things they regret later. However, emotionally abusive partners escalate arguments into cutting, explosive fights where he emerges from the wreckage without a care.
  3. Name Calling: Cruel put downs like “Stupid Ass, Crazy Bitch, Jesus Freak” and others I won’t even write, are used to make you feel stupid, crazy, and ridiculous. You may be called these names in front of others, your kids or when you are all alone.
  4. Yelling, Cussing, Vulgarity: Using volume, profanity and vulgar slurs takes what could be a normal activity or conflict, and makes it scary, threatening and mean-spirited.
  5. Excessive Teasing: Every relationship can endure, and may even be enhanced by some good natured teasing, especially when both can laugh at themselves easily. However, teasing becomes emotionally abusive when it crosses a line from good natured to cruel and excessive. Teasing can be used to control, threaten and over-power.
  6. Threatening: Feedback, suggestions, and constructive criticism are met quickly with ultimatums, threats and terrorizing antics. Threats are usually carefully crafted weapons aimed right where they will hurt you most.
  7. Badgering: once you’ve expressed your boundaries, your partner aggressively pesters you in order to get you to change your mind. This tactic is used to wear you down until you give in.
  8. Punishing Silence: a partner who habitually withdraws from the relationship in order to prove a point or get back at you is emotionally abusive.
  9. Constant Criticism or Judgment: Emotionally abusive people use criticism and judgment to keep you in “your place” or keep you feeling bad about yourself so you won’t assert your need for better treatment.
  10. Disregard: Emotionally Abusive people will disregard your opinions, needs, or ideas. You may feel like you are not seen as a whole and equal person in the relationship because your partner minimizes you.
  11. Gas-Lighting: Accuse you of being crazy or too sensitive. When you complain about this treatment, you are disregarded. You are lead to believe that you are the problem, not the emotional abuse.
  12. Control of Finances: It’s normal for partners to have different roles in the relationship, like for one to handle the finances and the other to handle house maintenance. But when finances are controlled or kept from the other partner, the imbalance of power is abusive and wrong.
  13. Contempt: Contemptuous body language, facial expression, implying disgust toward you. This may seem very covert, and maybe even small. However, its impact damages self esteem, feelings of safety, and trust.
  14. Ignoring Boundaries: Repeated disregard for your boundaries, limits, space or requests. We only truly know how someone will respect us once we say no. If your partner repeatedly dismisses your expressed needs or requests, this is a violation of your person.
  15. The Pot Calling the Kettle Black: This sneaky tactic is when your partner accuses you of the thing he/she is really guilty of. For example, he/she will give examples of you being emotionally abusive in attempt at convincing you that you are the problem. Psychologists call this projection.
  16. Excessive Anger: Anger may be loud and overt, or silent and seething. Their anger is used to intimidate and control. You may feel yourself avoiding difficult conversations, walking on eggshells, and trying not to upset your partner.

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If you are finding yourself sadly nodding your head as you read this list, you are not alone. You may be coming to the realization that your relationship is not only unhappy, but down right abusive. Emotional abuse is important to identify and stop. Emotional abuse may seem easier to overlook, than to confront. You probably intuitively know that the abuse may get worse after confronting it. This seems risky and scary. But the abuse doesn’t get better or go away over time. Without intervention, emotional abuse only gets more severe and more frequent. Taking steps to be safe can be a long process, but worth it for you, your children and the people around you. For more information on setting boundaries and staying safe, click here.

 

 

 

 

 

Responding to Abusive Language and Behavior

Posted December 13th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

Controlling your reactivity in a relationship is a powerful communication tool for strong and healthy relationships. But, what about abusive language or behavior in relationships? How should you respond to that?

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The last two blog posts have discussed the difference between a Survival Reaction verses a Wise Response, and how to harness the power of your response to affect real relationship improvement. Today, we will talk about  what to do in response to emotionally or physically harmful behavior. But first, let’s explore the tactics abusers use to keep us baffled, degraded, and powerless.

Tactics Abusers Use

Shock and Awe: abusive, bullying or harassing behavior is shocking to an unsuspecting person. You may be asking a simple question, making a simple observation, or even  minding your own business when a cruel comment, a damaging putdown or physically aggressive action comes out of nowhere. It may catch you so off guard, that you don’t know how to respond.

One up One Down: at the heart of every abusive relationship is an imbalance of power. The abuser is threatened by egalitarian systems and seeks to control others to ensure he gets what he wants. From the simplest relationship dyad, to the most complex of corporate organizations, power imbalances are used in order to keep power in one localized place- namely with the abuser. The smaller you feel, the more powerful he becomes.

Projection: projection is often used during arguments by the bully to accuse someone of the exact thing he himself is guilty. For example, if Roger is guilty of having an affair, he may accuse his partner of flirting with the waiter saying, “You are such a tramp, always throwing yourself at guys.”

Incongruences: This is also called, “the proof is in the pudding.” when words don’t result in action, and when what he says is the opposite of what he does, then you know he is being incongruent. Two diverging messages come at you simultaneously, and you are unsure of which one is true. These incongruences are unsettling to the receiver because they “sound good” but “feel  bad.”

Power in Numbers: Abusive language and behavior is sometimes used in the midst of or with the help of other people as a means to over power you. Sometimes abusive people will make cruel remarks in front of other people to publically humiliate you knowing you will not retaliate in public.

Once you recognize these tactics in your relationship, you are able to make a choice about how to respond. It is extremely difficult to respond wisely in the moment to mean name calling, cruel cut downs, or physically abusive behavior. You may find that you need time to recover from the shock, talk with a friend or expert to validate your concern and then prepare to take action. Sometimes these steps take hours, and sometimes these steps take years. No matter the time frame, responding to abusive behavior in a healthy way is possible. It’s never too late to setting healthy boundaries in your relationship.

How to Respond to Abusive Behavior

Abusive behavior varies in degree, and I am aware that my readers in destructive relationships are not all the same. Some may feel relatively safe most of the time, and others feel constantly badgered and threatened. I tried to be general enough in these prescribed steps to apply to most situations.

  1. Talk about it with other people. You may be tempted to keep it to yourself, protect your abuser’s reputation, or blow it off, but don’t. It’s important to talk about what you experienced with other trusted people for validation and comfort. Even if you feel terrible admitting it, there are people who love you and want to be there for you.
  2. Seek support. Once you’ve recovered from the shock or damage, seek expert support. Counselors, human resource specialists, law enforcement, attorneys, doctors and advocates can help you determine your best interests and how to proceed. You simply can not handle abuse by yourself- asking for help is absolutely necessary.
  3. Set boundaries: As scary as this sounds, exploring and setting your boundaries is essential. Abusive, harmful language, manipulation, putdowns, harassment or assault is never ok. Putting up with it hoping it will get better never works in the long run. Even if you feel like you are partly to blame (a common feeling among victims of abuse), you must insist that the abuse stop or you will take further action (leave, report the abuse, etc.) Your support network can help you determine how to proceed. Abusive people do not stop abusing unless they are forced to.
  4. Follow through. Setting boundaries takes a good deal of energy. Congratulate yourself- you’ve already done some good work. However, your work is not finished. A person who uses abuse to gain power will most likely strike again if he/she is not held accountable. Make sure you employ stated consequences to broken or disrespected boundaries and hold to your demands. Working with advisors, advocates, and experts is essential to help you advocate for yourself.
  5. Refuse to be Hard on Yourself. People grappling with emotional, physical or psychological abuse in their relationship often feel a sense of shame. They question themselves continually, and even blame themselves for their partners’ destructive behavior. They doubt themselves and their ability to make good decisions. This is a symptom of abuse and trauma, but not the cause. Be careful to not do to yourself what has been done to you. Give yourself the encouragement you need to keep going, to stay strong, and to believe in yourself.

Next week I will explore specific examples of how to communicate boundaries and follow through when dealing with abusive behavior.

What if He Doesn’t Stop? Escaping Destructive Relationships

Posted April 14th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

What if your partner won’t respect your boundaries? What if you asked for what you need, and your boundary is ignored, dismissed or worse, judged sinful or wrong? What should you do when you know you’re in a destructive relationship?

 

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What are Boundaries?

Quick Version: Boundaries are your needs, limits and wants. Having good boundaries means not taking responsibility for your partner’s needs and feelings, taking responsibility for your own needs and feelings, saying “no” to the things that you don’t want and need, and “yes” to the things you do.

Signs of Destructive Relationships

Relationships where one or both partner do not respect the other’s boundaries or needs are emotionally destructive. If you are in an emotionally destructive relationship, here are some things that you may be experiencing when you try to set a boundary or express a need:

  • Turning the conversation back to him and his needs.
  • Telling you that you are wrong for setting the boundary.
  • Insinuating that your boundary is ridiculous, misguided, feministic, unbiblical, unkind or just dumb.
  • Turning the blame back onto you.
  • Evading personal responsibility using different tactics

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Confronting the Problem

If ignoring your boundaries or needs becomes a pattern, then confronting the pattern of behavior is the next step. When an apology and plan of action are the appropriate response, women in destructive relationships will experience these common responses to confrontation instead.

  • Rage-filled tirade listing your faults, your personal flaws.
  • Personal Attacks claiming you are the one with the problem.
  • Sob story how he is really the victim.
  • Threats to leave you, harm you, or turn the kids against you.

Some women intuitively know that if they advocate too hard for their boundaries and needs to be respected, then their partner will do something drastic, like threaten suicide, or even harm them or their children. Many women are paralyzed with fear over the consequences of “upsetting” him.

One thing you can be sure of, is nothing will change, unless you remove yourself from the abuse.

I know. This part really sucks. Many women want tools and techniques to help deal with these dismissive, disrespectful and abusive behaviors. They want techniques to survive their destructive marriage, instead of breaking free from their destructive marriage. But destructive relationships… destruct, destroy, and deplete until there is nothing left. Ultimately, there IS NO surviving destructive relationships.

Surviving can only be a TEMPORARY plan, and Breaking Free must be the ultimate goal.

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When Communication Doesn’t Work

Abusive behaviors WILL NOT STOP unless you refuse to put up with them anymore. What does REFUSAL TO BE ABUSED look like? Although every relationship is different, here are some options to consider as you make your personal Breaking-Free goals.

  • Addressing the abusive behaviors (blame shifting, personal attacks, sabotage, lying, manipulation, critical judgments, name calling, etc.) in a counseling session with a counselor or pastor. Having a third party witness and affirm your needs can be a powerful change agent.
  • Refusing to stay in a counseling session where the counselor or pastor does not recognize these behaviors as abusive. Combative, manipulative, rage-filled tactics should be identified in session and proclaimed as unacceptable. If your pastor or counselor is unable to do this, give yourself permission to find another who has experience with abuse tactics.
  • Communicating repetitively and clearly that “Hostile and abusive behavior is no longer acceptable to me.”  Just saying these words out loud can be empowering to you.
  • Consider increased separation (i.e. sleeping in separate bedrooms, separate homes, etc.)
  • Talking with an attorney to educate yourself about temporary orders. It is important to gather information about all your options. You do not have to act on any option until you’re, but getting the information is empowering to help you make important decisions.
  • Calling the police when you feel threatened, or are being harmed. This is an important step to keeping yourself safe and setting a boundary against abusive behavior.
  • Attaining a No Contact Order. Visiting your local police department to find out what this entails and when a No Contact Order should be used. This is another step in educating yourself about all your options. This may be the extra help you need to resist his attempts at controlling you.
  • Filing for Separation or Divorce. Many women stuck in these destructive relationships resist considering separation or divorce. They are desperate to keep the family together. To see him change. To try a new miracle retreat or counselor or relationship book. However, when you get to the “end of all trying,” consider separation or divorce as a gift from God on the pathway to recovery, wholeness and new life. Consider divorce as the legal way of protecting you from more harm.

Most women are afraid that if they start setting these boundaries and taking action, things will get worse, he will get angrier, and an ugly divorce will be inevitable. This is sometimes the case, but steps to protect yourself are necessary. Instead of thinking of all the worst case scenarios, take one small step at a time. If you need help with these next steps and you are in the Seattle area, I have a great resource for you. You can call Havens Community Connection for coaching support and resource referrals at, 425-610-8612. www.havenscc.org. If you are not in the Seattle area, call the Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

NEED ANSWERS NOW? I’ve written a book just for you, so click here. You are not alone, and this book can help!

 

 

 

How to Help A Friend In a Toxic Relationship

Posted November 11th, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Do you love your friend, but can’t stand the guy she is with? Is he emotionally, verbally or physically abusive to her but acts like it’s no big deal? Maybe he drinks too much, is too controlling, or has a reputation for being a bad boy. Whatever it is, you are afraid she is getting into a relationship that she won’t be able to get out of, and it scares you. Here are 10 ways for you to help your friend who’s in a toxic relationship.

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1.Trust Your Instinct. You may not know if he is abusive or not, but something about him makes you uneasy. Instead of brushing that feeling off, pay attention to it. If you don’t trust him, there is probably something about him that doesn’t add up. Your instinct is a powerful tool in helping you discern safe from un-safe people.

2. Ask Hard Questions. If you have reservations about your friend’s new guy, be willing to ask her questions and share your reservations. It may feel awkward or even a little confrontational. Be careful to show your care and concern and re-iterate how important she is to you. There is no need to lecture her about her answers to these questions. Just be willing to ask things like, “Do you know where the money is going?” or “Has he hurt you before?” or “Are you scared that he might hurt you?” or “Does he threaten you?” She may be reluctant to tell you unless she is pointedly asked.

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3. Remain Non-judgmental. Chances are, she sees things in him that you don’t, and she loves him. She also believes that he loves her, no matter what other people may say. Reserve judgment and try to empathize with her feelings. If she sees the good in him, pointing out the bad may only push her farther away from you and into his arms. Be careful to stay empathetic and open to your friend. Women in toxic or abusive relationships often feel trapped, powerless and unable to leave. It is possible to remain supportive of her without supporting his abusive behavior.

4. Plan a Mini- Intervention. An intervention should be carefully considered in regard to making sure your friend feels safe, supported and cared for. Invite a couple of her closest friends or family members together to share your concerns with her. It’s important that she not feel coerced, pressured or guilted into leaving the abusive relationship. Be careful not to run through a list of the things you don’t like about her guy. Instead, share how you’ve noticed her changing, how you miss seeing her as often, and that you are there for her when she needs you. Tell her, “You don’t seem as happy as you used to,” or “You don’t do the things that used to make you happy. Is everything ok?” An intervention may not result in a “Rescue Operation,” but it can be a first step to help her feel the support she needs if/when she decides to leave.

5. Believe Her. If, and when she opens up to you about emotional, physical or financial abuse, it’s important for her to feel like you believe her, and that what she is saying is important. Abuse comes in many forms: obsessive control, psychological manipulation, religious intimidation, jealous rage, and invasive badgering. If your friend says there is “something wrong” but can’t put her finger on it, believe her without supporting details. She more than likely has tried to minimize or excuse the abuse for awhile, and admitting it is extremely difficult. Validating her fear and pain is important, as is helping her think through next steps.

6. Ask her how she wants you to help. It’s ok if you don’t know what to do, what to say or how to help. Ask her how you can support her. No one has all the right answers at all the right times, and she probably doesn’t want answers as much as a friend to listen, share her burden, and be a safe person to turn to. If she does want help to get safe, see #8.

7. Be patient. Often, women in abusive relationships contemplate leaving for years but fear the consequences of that decision. She may be afraid of losing her children, or that he will take revenge. She may still be hopeful that he will change. You may be tempted to become frustrated with her indecision, but this indecision is an important part of her process to finally break free. Instead of pressuring her to leave, tell her you support her decision to leave but you understand how hard that decision is to make. The leaving/going back process may take years. Let her know you’re there for her no matter what she decides.

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8. Be practical. If she is trying to escape her relationship, be as practical as you can. Some suggestions are: buy her a phone with a private number to use in emergencies, give her a safe place to stay, drive her to a safe house, watch her kids while she gets help, ask if you can call the police to escort her to get her things, or help her make connections with local Domestic Violence Agencies. www.thehotline.org and 1-800-799-7233 are domestic violence helplines that can help with next steps. The dedicated people here are a wealth of information and are willing to help.

9. Remind her of her value and worth. Often, women in toxic relationships can lose their confidence and sense of self-worth. They may live in a state of anxiety or depression and feel unable to take important steps toward health and healing. Help them to remember that they are important to you and to the people who love them.

10. Pray. Sometimes prayer is the best and only way to help. Toxic, abusive relationships have a great deal of power over women and their families. Without breaching her confidentiality, rally friends and family together to pray that 1) this toxic power loses its grip, 2) that the threat of emotional and physical violence is replaced by safety and support, and 3) that Light would replace darkness. Pray that your friend is able to feel her own value and receive care from those who truly love her. Once she breaks free from the abuse, she will need extra prayer support to stay strong, stay safe and stay the course.

Your friend is lucky and blessed to have you. You may be afraid that you’ve said or done the wrong thing in the past. Maybe you’ve even kept your distance for awhile. Maybe you’ve been hurt because she pulled away from you. These things commonly happen. These feelings don’t have to stop your love for her. And Love always wins.

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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