Posts Tagged: intimacy

The Enemies of Intimacy: and How to Work Through Them

Do you ever feel alone in your marriage?

Do you want to have close relationships, but feel awkward initiating intimacy?

Do you feel like something is missing in your relationships, but you don’t know what it is or how to make it better?

Today, you will learn the THREE ENEMIES of INTIMACY and how to beat them back before they advance any further. Intimacy in relationships is the thing that makes us feel seen, and known and unconditionally accepted. Intimacy is also something that we naturally avoid because of how vulnerable it makes us feel. This vulnerability is the key ingredient to the growth and healing God has for us. Why is intimacy so hard to achieve sometimes? There are internal and external forces that keep us from the intimacy we so desire.

  1. Fear- Fear of rejection, abandonment and loss of identity are real things that keep us from intimacy with others. These fears keep us trapped in isolation and loneliness. They tell us to “be quiet, don’t say too much,” and “act like nothing’s wrong,” and “don’t have needs- you’re fine.” The fear of rejection keeps us “safe” far away from real relationship. The fear of abandonment keeps us in a cycle of defensiveness and retreat. The fear of identity loss keeps us territorial, fighting for what’s ours, worried about being smothered and controlled. These fear stem from real rejection, abandonment and control in our past. When we were younger, we couldn’t make rejection, abandonment or controlling abuse stop because we were young and weak and needy. But now that we are adults, we don’t have to let those fears win anymore. Now we have the power to hold on to, be kind to and stand up for ourselves. All fear is gone.
  2. Pride- Wanting to be admired, set above, or viewed as unblemished is a desire that each of us have. Each of us at various times in our lives want to be idolized and thought of as perfect. This desire is largely unconscious because we hide this drive from ourselves. We know that it is wrong to be prideful, or to be put on a pedestal like God, so we unwittingly lie to ourselves about our cravings. The truth is, however, that we all want to be idolized- it’s as human as wanting chocolate or sex or a new Coach bag. Even Jesus was tempted by celebrity status and powerful domain (Matthew 4:8,) but He chose intimacy with God instead. To be admired is to be disconnected. To be idolized is to be one-up with others one-down. We can’t have close companionship when we are trying to look or act flawless to others. Having an accurate view of our selves keeps us from thinking better of ourselves, or worse of ourselves than Jesus does. When we give up our desire to look perfect in other people’s eyes, then true intimacy finds you.
  3. Shame– Often, we find ourselves hiding from our true selves because we are in denial of just how imperfect we really are. We’d like others to see and believe that we are our ideal selves, but we are not- we are just our REAL selves. We also feel secretly ashamed of our weaknesses and failings. We don’t accept ourselves as mere human because we believe we ought to be super-human. Sometimes, feelings of unworthiness keep us from disclosing our true selves to ourselves and others. Feelings of shame keep us in denial of who we really are, making it impossible for other people to really KNOW us.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. The Enemies of Intimacy don’t have to win. In fact, each time you pay attention to your inner self, you are practicing intimacy. Each time you accept yourself unconditionally, you practice intimacy. Your spiritual reality can be void of fear, pride and shame- they no longer have the power to separate you from yourself. We may still struggle with fear, pride and shame, but they no longer have ultimate power over us. We now have the power to chose self acceptance.

The Key Ingredients to Intimacy

Sometimes, the very thing we crave the most, is the thing we work the hardest to avoid.

We don’t mean to, of course. But sometimes our nature gets in the way. After 15 years of working with people in the privacy of my office, I’ve learned that human intimacy is one thing that is often missing from people’s relationships. I believe that we all wanted to be close, to feel appreciated and to show love. It is our intention to love and be loved, but the noise and the static of life get in the way, and we end up pushing away the intimacy we long for.

Instead of saying, “I miss you and I want to spend time with you,” we say, “Well, it’s about time you get home. Don’t you ever look at your watch?”

We sometimes let pride and ego and defensiveness get in the way of true love. It doesn’t have to be this way. We can learn to love with our whole hearts. We can learn to receive love with full trust. Even though intimacy doesn’t come easily or naturally to us, we can learn it.

Here are the Facts about Intimacy:

  •  Fact #1 Every person needs the Vital Three: to Be Seen, Known, and Accepted Unconditionally.
  •  Fact #2 If the Vital Three needs are not met, Soul-Holes grow.
  • Fact #3 Soul-Holes attract Users, Losers and Abusers that result in deeper Holes.
  •  Fact #4 Soul-Holes fill by being Seen, Known and Accepted Unconditionally.
  • Fact #5 Filling Soul Holes starts with you.

These things may sound simple, but what do they really mean? Being seen is to be valued as a unique and separate individual. Being known is to be understood and intimately trusted with the exchange of emotional valuables. To be accepted unconditionally means to be authentically loved. Soul Holes are explained as natural consequences to imperfect human love and behavior. Soul Holes occur in everyone, and attract the wrong sort of love. But Soul Holes can be filled and the Vital Three can be satisfied by routine Soul Exercise REPS found in the bible. 

·         Restore order through boundaries: saying no to others, and yes to yourself is often a good start for reclaiming peace. This practice helps us examine, know and validate Vital Three. (Titus 2:12, James 4:4, Proverbs 4:23)

·         Experience God through journaling, dependence prayers and going to where people are talking about Him. By doing these things, God is invited to meet the Vital Three beyond which we are capable in and of ourselves. (2 Cor 5:21, Proverbs 3:32)

·         Provide yourself with safe people: The action of sharing vulnerably with others, and allowing others to share with us, fortifies our Souls and fills the Holes. (1 Cor 14:26, Eph 3:18)

·         Seek Intimacy means knowing and expressing your feelings in non-accusatory language, sharing weaknesses, fears, and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or control, and validating your partner’s experiences and feelings without judging, controlling or taking them personally. (Proverbs 25:11, Proverbs 16:21, Ecclesiastes 9:17)

 I boiled these concepts down to their bare essence here in this blog post, but each point can be considered separately and at length. And, by the way, each point takes YEARS to implement! I feel like I have strong intimacy with some relationships in my life, and then there are others that are still developing because… well, I’m a slow on the uptake sometimes.

Sometimes my fears get in the way. My insecurities whisper warnings of danger. My controlling nature grips me so tightly that I mess things up.

You too?

Trust God to lead you into greater intimacy with him and with other people in His perfect timing. As you practice SEEING YOURSELF as valuable, KNOWING YOURSELF deeply, and OFFERING YOURSELF UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE, you will have the strength to attach intimately with others. As we connect with ourselves, we can connect to others. This process, when surrendered to God, can be the beginning of something new for you. The process is always worth it.

 

 

 

Intimacy: The Thing You Wanted but Didn’t Get

Are you tired of feeling distant from the people you love- closed off and shut out? Do you desire closer connection but find that time, stress and negative emotions get in the way?

Well, good morning to all my favorite people in the world! I’m glad you clicked. Today I’m starting a four part series on Intimacy: Intimacy with ourselves, and with the people we love. Over the next month we will cover 1)What is True Intimacy and How to Get It, 2) The Key Ingredients You Need to Spark Intimacy in Your Relationships, 3)The Enemies of Intimacy and How to Avoid Them, and 4) How to Be Your Own Best Friend When Loneliness is Knocking.

Intimacy is something we all want and need. We need to be seen as valuable, known deeply, and loved unconditionally. We need these things in order to become the best versions of ourselves, but we sometimes get in our own way of getting the intimacy we want.

True Intimacy between friend or spouse is: sharing your experience with him/her without fearing judgement or rejection, and sharing his/her experience without judging or trying to change/fix him/her. You are able to accept your friend fully even if she is very different with a very different experience of your relationship. You are able to share deeply with your spouse without fear of being judged for your feelings. You are able to listen to your spouse’s feelings and experience without trying to change him. You feel seen, known and unconditionally accepted

What does it take to have this kind of intimacy with others? It takes Sacred Ground Living.

First, offer this kind of love to yourself. You won’t be able to love someone intimately until you’ve offered intimate love to yourself. For me, this means coming to God and accepting his unconditional love in the face of mistakes, failures and shortcomings. At the time I want to most deny, lie about or hide from my mistake, I try to turn to God instead. When I know that I am accepted and loved no matter what, I am able to offer myself this same kind of love and forgiveness. God’s love changes me. This is intimacy with the self- seeing myself as valuable, knowing the truth about myself, and loving myself unconditionally. You know- just the way God does.

Second, Show Up to Your Relationships. Intimacy requires vulnerability. It requires that we show up fully, exposed and real, to the people in our lives. It means instead of using sarcasm, criticism or nagging, we use wholehearted language with our friends or spouse telling them exactly what we want. Instead of, “Oh look who finally decided to come home,” we say, “I missed you today, I want to spend time with you.” Instead of passive-aggressively running the other way in an argument, we get to the heart of the matter and resolve it with compassion. Instead of picking fights and criticizing our spouse’s faults, we share our feelings with vulnerability and strength.

I call this Sacred Ground Living.

Thirdly, Take A Risk Even When There’s No Guarantee It Will Pay Off. Being vulnerable is risky business. Seeking intimacy with others is risky, too. It truly is Walking by Faith. You don’t know if your partner will return your vulnerability. You don’t know if showing up to your life will bring criticism or judgement. You don’t know if your efforts toward greater intimacy will backfire. That is the Faith Walk- going where Love calls you to go, even when there is no guarantee that it will work. Your friend or spouse may abandon you still. She may not join you in this level of intimacy and may choose a different direction. That hurts, but it’s ok, because you’re going to be ok. When you are abandoned or feeling rejected, God doesn’t abandon you, and you won’t abandon yourself.

Sacred Ground Living is being able to accept yourself just as you are, and pursue others with love. It is receiving God’s love for yourself so deeply that you can sacrificially love others. It is the hard choice to act in truth instead of avoiding difficult conversations. Sacred Ground Living is the kind of living where you can look at yourself in the mirror with conviction and grace to say, “I can go to bed with YOU every night.”

Yeah, but do you really know me?

On your birthday, have you ever gone the whole day without someone wishing you a happy birthday? I mean the WHOLE day? You wake up, drink your coffee, go to school or work, go to lunch, and go home without a single person acknowledging it’s your special day? Terrible, right? No phone call, no cards, no Facebook shout outs. You would feel like the most un-special person on earth! You may be tempted to keep the information quiet, hoping, wishing, pining away for someone to remember. “Don’t they KNOW it’s my birthday?!!” you may ask.

If that ever happened to me, I would dissolve into a puddle of tears by 10 a.m.

But this will never happen to me. Ever. I unashamedly start celebrating my birthday the first day of my birth month- and since my birthday falls on the last day of the month, that is 30 full days of me-ness. If I’m not sure that my friends are planning something, I plan my own parties (yes, parties plural) months in advance. I narrow down my wish list starting the day after Christmas. On the day of, I casually mention my Personal Day of Celebration to the grocery clerk, the bank teller, any clients I’m seeing that day, and you better believe to the students I’m teaching. My children have been trained to offer hand written poems and home-made creations with Yours Truly in mind. That day was created for me, and everyone around me is invited to celebrate! (It’s April 30th, fyi.)

Letting people into your life is a good thing. Many of our relationships only go skin deep. We see eachother as valuable and worthy of love, but we don’t often take the time and energy to appreciate one another, to celebrate one another, to really know one another.

Love has to have three elements: 1)to be seen, 2)to be known, and 3)to be unconditionally accepted. In this post, we will explore what it is to be known.

To be known is to be understood. Knowing means perceiving, seeking, finding, and joining. Knowing involves being exposed, unguarded, and vulnerable leading to intimate knowledge.  Knowing is so deep and intimate, the ancient biblical scribes used the words, “to know” as a Hebrew idiom for sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. Knowing is not just understanding, it is also joining.

For example, a father of two boys has an easier time bonding with the oldest son because they have so much in common. They enjoy watching football, playing catch and all things traditionally “male.” But this isn’t true for him and the youngest son. The youngest son enjoys art, drama, and reading. He’s smaller, less physically coordinated, less athletic than his brother, and seems to get hurt easily. The youngest son feels inferior.

The father sees the differences between the two boys, and although has little natural interest in art, drama and reading, realizes that he must work harder to connect with his youngest son. The father could routinely ask questions to engage his youngest son, but won’t find meaningful connection until he joins with the son in his interests. The father decides to register the two of them for an eight week art class. The father begins to understand the boy’s unique talent for art, and even discovers his own genuine interest in the subject. The father enjoys their new connection and looks for other ways the two of them can connect. The father sought greater understanding of his youngest son, joined him in his interests and experiences, and communicated the message, “I love you and want to know you better.” The son in turn felt affirmed for his unique interests and abilities, more self-confident than before, and a deeper bond with his father. This is knowing.

Here is an example of what knowing looks like in marriage. My husband and I have been married for 18 years, and by this time, we’ve figured out the roles and domestic duties that work the best for us. One duty that has fallen to him is bill paying, budgeting and financial planning. Give me cooking, cleaning or picking up the dog bombs any day. Too many line items, numbers, or spread sheets and my brain feels like scrambled eggs. On occasion, however, my husband asks to look over the finances together. I’d rather stick a fork in my eye, but I do it with a smile, because I’ve learned the importance of this exercise. It’s not just important to our bottom line, it is important to our intimacy too. I get to share in something that Mr. Dashing cares about. I get to experience his concerns, share his burdens and ultimately know his heart. What are his frustrations? What are his hopes? What are his proud accomplishments? I get to know him and join him in the process. I could simply make regular deposits, spend the money allotted, and follow the budget like a robot, but I’d miss the opportunity to share the responsibilities and the successes. More importantly, I’d miss the opportunity to join in his journey.

I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other’s wounds; they repair the broken skin.

— Lauren Oliver, Pandemonium

Without this kind of knowing, we end up feeling like a person who goes through thier entire birthday without any acknowledgement or happy wishes. Without being truly known, we end up feeling like the most un-special person on earth. We feel like, “Doesn’t any body want to know the real me? Doesn’t anybody care?” We drfit further and further apart from the people we love until we barely recognize the them.

Knowing and being known starts with you. It starts with taking a risk and putting yourself out there. It starts with leaning in and asking the uncomfortable questions. It takes sacrificing “the ideal” for “the real.”

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

— Bernard M. Baruch

What activities in your life encourage the knowing that leads to loving?  Are you in supportive groups or circles of friends that meet routinely? Do you schedule time with important people so you can know deeply and be deeply known? If so, share your experience here! Let us know what you’ve done that has helped you!

Why Do I Feel Insignificant?

Have you ever had the feeling that you just didn’t matter? Maybe a time you expressed your opinion and felt dismissed or un-important? How about volunteering your time for an event and not receiving a thank you for your time? Or how about when you were at that party and saw the guy you liked, and how he looked passed you at your taller, prettier best friend? Oh, that’s the worst!

All of us have had the feeling of being unseen before. It’s like, “I swear I’m here in living form, but no one seems to notice or care.”

I was once a part of a church group in which I was un-seen. Looking back, I’m rather embarrassed I stayed  as long as I did, but learning the hard way is my MO. Year after year, I volunteered my time, I hosted events, and started prayer meetings for the group’s members. Damn, I was a good Christian! But I always had this sinking feeling that I was just being tolerated- like a bizarre circus side show act that garnered curiosity and queer glances.

I never truly belonged to the group because I was not truly seen as valuable. True belonging is impossible without being truly seen.

To be seen is to be valued, recognized as a worthwhile individual; to be identified as uniquely separate with personal rights, needs and interests equal to others; to be noticed, counted, and taken interest in. Significance has less to do with performance and behavior, and more to do with inherent human value. It is being seen as human only- not more or less than.

Are you truly seen in your relationships? Do you feel valuable and equal? Do you respect yourself in your relationships by speaking up for your needs, following through with boundaries, and believing yourself to be equal? Let’s explore some examples. 

A young couple marry. The husband’s job takes them across country to start their life together. The wife is unable to find work in her field and becomes depressed. The husband sees the professional sacrifice she has made to be with him, and offers to quit his job and move to another area where she can find acceptable work. She, in turn feels that her needs are seen as important. She appreciates his gesture so much that she determines to stick it out where she is, so that he can continue his career path. Because she feels seen, valued and cared for, she has the strength to continue her sacrifice with contentment. She reinvents herself professionally, and they decide together to heavily invest in her new business start up. Her unique needs are seen, prioritized and resourced. She feels seen as a valuable person.

Way back when I was breaking my neck trying to be seen in the group who just didn’t see me, I didn’t know that I was guilty of not seeing myself. How could they see me as valuable when I didn’t see myself that way? How could I matter to them if I was acting as if I didn’t matter to myself?

Another example of being seen is when a mother sees her child as a valuable person, separate from herself, she is able to see and meet her child’s specific needs. If the child is struggling with her parents’ divorce, and acting out at school, the mother sees her child’s pain as separate from her own, and is able to address it by asking for help from the school counselor, meeting with the teacher, or talking it through with the child. The mother communicates to her child, “I see you. You are important to me, I care that you are hurting. I’m here for you.” Instead of drowning in her own pain, the mother sees her child as important enough to temporarily set her own needs aside, and meet the needs of her child. How many times have divorced mothers dried their eyes before the afternoon school bus arrives so they can give their happiest and healthiest selves to their children?

Sometimes this happens, and sometimes it doesn’t. You may remember growing up with such mental illness, dysfunction, or chemical abuse in your family, that you and your needs were largely ignored. 

Don’t ignore yourself anymore. Don’t treat yourself and your needs un-important anymore. If you start treating yourself as important, one of two things will happen: 1) the people around you will learn how too, or 2)the people around you will drop off and you will begin to attract new, healthier people. Either way, you win.

What ways have you learned to make yourself important? What advice could you give others?

 

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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