Posts Tagged: marriage

Users and Abusers: Understanding Exploitive Relationships Part 1

Posted February 2nd, 2018 | Michelle Hollomon

Ever been in a relationship where you end up feeling used? Maybe it was that girl in high school that befriended you just to get to know your quarterback older brother. Or maybe it was more recently at work when your competitive coworker took credit for your project’s success even though she contributed very little.

Unfortunately, there are people in the world that exploit others for their own gain. Dealing with this type of person is bad enough when they pretend to be your friend. It’s all together intolerable if you are bonded to this type of person by marriage or blood. Trying to have a voice, to state an opinion, or to ask for an apology become insurmountable tasks that seem to cause more trouble than they are worth in the short term.

If you are feeling dismayed by how you are treated in your relationship, you may be with an exploitive person. Exploitation is the mistreatment of others in order to benefit from their work. Exploitative relationships consist of one party taking advantage of another, using an imbalance of power to control of another, or to unrightfully benefit from another’s vulnerabilities.

How to Recognize the Signs you are with a User

People who use others for personal gain usually have these things in common.

• experiences great difficulty taking responsibility or blame
• lacks sincere empathy for the hurt he’s caused another
• is defensive, blame shifting, passionately aggressive about protecting his ego and/or reputation
• has a strong sense of entitlement to special privileges, honors, favors, and compliance
• has an inflated sense of self-importance and superiority
• is largely unable to identify with others needs if in conflict with his own needs
• is exploitative in nature, willing to take advantage of other people to achieve own goals
• is hypersensitive to criticism or the appearance of failure
• has a bottomless need for admiration, approval or praise
• discusses his own life, desires, concerns at length while giving little or no time to listen to others
• has a low tolerance for perceived failure, weakness, or ignorance and will lie in order to avoid being seen as such
• expects to be given whatever he wants or feels he needs, no matter the cost to others

If you wonder if you are with an exploitive person, take the Relationship Quiz here. Even though the person you are with may disguise his exploitive actions as benign, it is important for you to see and know the truth of your relationship. Only then, will you have the power to take necessary steps toward health and happiness.

 

Living Alone in a Marriage for Built for Two

Posted January 19th, 2018 | Michelle Hollomon

Intimacy is something we all want and need, but it is often the last thing we prioritize in our busy lives. Marriage partners often feel more like passing ships in the night, than two loving friends and partners. Many couples’ mantra is “Divide and conquer,” not “One for all, and all for one.” Given the busy and complicated lives we live, some dedicated time to improve marriage intimacy is time well spent.

True Intimacy between friend or spouse is: sharing your experience with him/her without fearing judgement or rejection, and sharing his/her experience without judging or trying to change/fix him/her. You are able to accept your friend fully even if she is very different with a very different experience of your relationship. You are able to share deeply with your spouse without fear of being judged for your feelings. You are able to listen to your spouse’s feelings and experience without trying to change him. You feel seen, known and unconditionally accepted.

If your marriage is emotionally distant or lonely, ask yourself some of these questions:

  1. would you rather “be right” or “be loved”?

  2. do you have trouble admitting you’re wrong for fear of looking foolish, weak, ignorant or bad?

  3. do you avoid opening up to your partner for fear of being judged?

  4. do you avoid closeness with your partner because of past loss in your life?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, then you probably stand in your own way of true and meaningful intimacy in your marriage. To be truly seen, known and accepted doesn’t just happen without insight and effort.

Steps to Achieve True Intimacy in Relationships

1. First, offer this kind of love to yourself. You won’t be able to love someone intimately until you’ve offered intimate love to yourself. For me, this means coming to God and accepting his unconditional love in the face of mistakes, failures and shortcomings. At the time I want to most deny, lie about or hide from my mistake, I try to turn to God instead. When I know that I am accepted and loved no matter what, I am able to offer myself this same kind of love and forgiveness. God’s love changes me. This is intimacy with the self- seeing myself as valuable, knowing the truth about myself, and loving myself unconditionally. You know- just the way God does.

2. Second, Show Up to Your Relationships. Intimacy requires vulnerability. It requires that we show up fully, exposed and real, to the people in our lives. It means instead of using sarcasm, criticism or nagging, we use wholehearted language with our friends or spouse telling them exactly what we want. Instead of, “Oh look who finally decided to come home,” we say, “I missed you today, I want to spend time with you.” Instead of passive-aggressively running the other way in an argument, we get to the heart of the matter and resolve it with compassion. Instead of picking fights and criticizing our spouse’s faults, we share our feelings with vulnerability and strength.

3. Thirdly, Take A Risk Even When There’s No Guarantee It Will Pay Off. Being vulnerable is risky business. Seeking intimacy with others is risky, too. It truly is Walking by Faith. You don’t know if your partner will return your vulnerability. You don’t know if showing up to your life will bring criticism or judgement. You don’t know if your efforts toward greater intimacy will backfire. That is the Faith Walk- going where Love calls you to go, even when there is no guarantee that it will work. Your friend or spouse may abandon you still. She may not join you in this level of intimacy and may choose a different direction. That hurts, but it’s ok, because you’re going to be ok. When you are abandoned or feeling rejected, God doesn’t abandon you, and you won’t abandon yourself.

When Couples Counseling Isn’t Working

Posted May 12th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

We all know that communication is key to happy relationships. I teach interpersonal communication and conflict resolution classes and I know the positive impact communication can have in the couples counseling session. But what about the relationships that just refuse to improve? That no matter how many communication skills are learned, progress just isn’t made?

Some relationships are so entrenched in destructive patterns, that no manner of communication can fix them. When improved communication does not improve a relationship, I usually look to deeper reasons of toxicity.

When Communication Skills Don’t Work

Communication skills can solve a host of issues, help with understanding, improve problem solving and build relationships. But there are some things it can’t do. Communication, by itself, can not help a couple when…

  1. There’s a secret– sometimes relationships can not improve because one partner is keeping a secret. These secrets range from hiding an affair, a gambling addiction, a financial crisis, or an entire secret identity. If honesty and trustworthiness is not at the core of a relationship, it is doomed. Communication without full honesty is just lying to someone.
  2. There’s a lack of empathy– sometimes a partner simply can not or will not feel empathy for the other person. One partner refuses to put him/herself in the other person’s shoes because it makes him/her feel weak or vulnerable. This type of person can learn complex communication skills, but without compassion, the relationship will fail. Communication without empathy is just talking at someone.
  3. There’s a power imbalance– some relationships adopt a hierarchical structure where one person has more power than the other. This partner uses his/her hierarchical dominance to control the other person. Equal treatment, privileges, or priorities are not given to both partners. Communication without equality is just talking down to someone.
  4. There’s abuse– abuse comes in a lot of forms. Psychological, religious, financial, physical, sexual, emotional abuse occurs when one partner intimidates, harms, takes advantage of, or manipulates the other for personal gain, control or dominance. Communication without safety is just talking abusively.
  5. There’s apathy– some relationships consist of one highly motivated person and one apathetic person. The motivated person feels all talked out, and wants to see real action. However, if the conversations don’t result in tangible change, then communication is useless. Communication without follow through is pointless.
  6. There’s addiction– if addiction is present within the relationship (alcohol, prescription meds, marijuana, gambling, porn, etc.) counseling will offer little help until the addiction is addressed and treated. Communication without addiction-recovery is sickness.
hopeful woman
If you find yourself in a relationship where mere communication is not helping, then put your energies into becoming as healthy as possible. Make a commitment to yourself to invest in your emotional, spiritual and physical life. In the face of feeling the sorrow and anxiety of a difficult relationship, give yourself some nurture and friendship. Ask God to give you clarity and comfort.

Simple Strategies for Date Night

Posted April 27th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

Yesterday, I had a craving for chips and salsa. I started thinking about it around lunch time, but couldn’t take a break until an hour or two later. I salivated at the first hint of salsa in the bowl, opened the tortilla chip bag, and plunged in. Smelling the “hint of lime” and readying my pallet for heaven, I was deeply disappointed when I tasted the chips were stale.

Noooooo! How can this be? How old are these? Who opened these in the first place? Who didn’t put a clip on them? Arg!

42109893 - portrait of romantic young african american couple in park

Well, sometimes marriage can get stale too, especially if it is not cared for the way it needs. I’ve been writing a good bit on destructive relationships, and have gotten tons of positive feedback. But today, I want to address marriages that don’t fall into the “destructive” category. Today, we will talk about one way to Make Good Marriages Great.

The Great Date

We can all agree that date nights are important, but are difficult to schedule with competing calendars. This kid has practice, that kid has rehearsal, one partner works late, and the other one travels. It’s hard to carve out time for each other, but not impossible. Here are some ideas to help you make Date Night Great!

  1. Prioritize: one goal of marriage is to stay married and happy long after the kids are gone. Prioritizing time together now, can make life together later much more satisfying. Prioritizing together time, may require saying “no” to other events and invitations. This may be a necessary sacrifice in order to put the marriage 1st. My first clinical supervisor was married with teenagers and dated his wife every Friday night. EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT! They made an impression on Mr. Dashing and I early in our marriage to always make together-time a priority.
  2. Invest a Little: Good date nights don’t always take a lot of money, but don’t be afraid to spend a little extra money to make it special. Date nights are special. With some thoughtfulness, the couple can feel special to each other too. When we spend money on something, we are more likely to value it and treat it with care.
  3. Do Something Fun: Shared experiences turn into shared memories which turn into strong bonds. Doing something creative, new, different or active gets the body and the brain engaged, and results in lower stress, release of feel-good endorphins, and even a bump in the attachment hormone called oxytocin.
  4. Stay Positive: Date nights in general, should be a positive experience for both people. Of course date nights can be used for problem solving, hashing out issues, or venting every once in a while. However, date nights shouldn’t always be a beat down or a melt down. They should be a “shot in the arm,” infusing the fun, the closeness and the romance back into your relationship.
  5. Take Initiative: Some couples get stuck on “who’s turn is it” and “I planned it last time” and “I have to do all the work to make date night happen.” Instead of complaining, nagging and perpetuating the problem, communicate something like, “I really miss you, and I want to have some together time. I’ll find the baby sitter. Will you plan the date?”

45115567 - old man and woman in warm clothes sitting in park at leisure

Mr. Dashing and I will be looking into fun date nights soon… we will be celebrating year #21 in June. Our marriage is finally old enough to drink! We both agree, that investing in the relationship we have now, will give us many happy years to come. (no, that is not a picture of what we look like!) What fun date nights have you had? Feel free to share!

How To Feel Closer Part I

Posted August 10th, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Good morning Moms, Dads, Girlfriends and Lumber Jacks (that’s for all my hairy-faced friends.) Have you ever felt closed off from someone you love? Have you felt lonely in your marriage? I think one of the hardest places to be in life, is living in a house with someone you don’t feel close to. Don’t you agree?

Marriage can sometimes feel more like two roommates coming and going than two people in love. Or maybe marriage feels like co-parenting, where raising the kids is the only thing really keeping you together. 

Why do I feel locked out?

Where did the closeness go?

What about the friendship and romance and cute little gifts and loving words?

It seems like all  that’s left are the responsibilities.

You and your partner more than likely respect and value each other a great deal. You have been through a lot together, and don’t want to give up on the good that you have. But the feelings of loneliness, depression and boredom are hard to fight off. You’re afraid that any topic of significance might land you in a fight. Or that you’ll strike up a conversation, and you’ll get a one-word response. Or that a date night meant to bring you together will end up making you feel even further apart.

You are what I call… Losers. Don’t get offended just yet! Let me explain. Being a loser has nothing to do with how much time you sit on the couch, or how many bags of potato chips you consume or how many hours of Netflix you can binge in one setting. 

NO! Being a Loser just means that you are losing out on truly KNOWING one another. You are losing out on the INNER life of the other person because busy-ness, child-raising, job stressors, and pressures get in the way. You lose out on sharing deep, meaningful experiences together because life’s demands keep you distant and headed in separate directions. Relationship Losers lose out on each other. 

Relationship Losers feel like an invisible wall separates them from their partner and neither can see into one another’s heart. They are afraid to be vulnerable with each other. They are afraid to tell the other what they really feel or really want. They are afraid that if they really share their deepest selves, they will feel weak or be rejected.

If these things describe how you feel currently in your marriage, don’t worry. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to feel this way forever.

Many marriage go through times like this. It doesn’t mean that there are major issues, or that the marriage is broken, or that the coldness can’t be warmed up.

It DOES mean that the marriage needs some time and attention. Couples who find themselves Losing Out on each other are in the PRIME POSITION for their next INTIMACY BREAKTHROUGH. These couples long to not only get back the closeness they used to have, but they want something even deeper. They just don’t know how to get it.

Next week, I’m going to talk about three simple ways to rekindle some intimacy through:

1. Having “THE” Conversation

2. Breaking Down Walls, and

3. Getting back some US time.

For now, spend some time looking inward about the fears you may have about getting closer. Usually people fear one of two things in relationships: 1) Being Abandoned, or 2) Being Controlled. Explore the fears you have regarding getting closer to your partner. Maybe you wonder if he’s capable of loving you the way you need. Maybe you’re afraid of disappointing your partner. Maybe you’re afraid of exposing your vulnerabilities because of potential judgment. Whatever your fears may be, they are difficult to admit, but common to all of us.

Next week, we will look at practical steps to help turn your Loser relationship into a Lover relationship.

 

 

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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