Posts Tagged: Narcissistic Men

Why Does He Do That? Understanding Exploitive Relationships Part 2

When you think about exploitation, you may think of a child abuse case from the news, or human trafficking in impoverished countries. But have you thought about how it occurs in relationships and families close to you? Exploitation is the mistreatment of others in order to benefit from their work/life. Exploitative relationships consist of one party taking advantage of another, using an imbalance of power to control another, or to unrightfully benefit from another’s vulnerabilities. If you missed Users and Abusers: Understanding Exploitive Relationships Part 1, click here.

You may find yourself in the type of relationship at home or at work that is exploitive in nature. You feel unfairly mistreated, lacking in equal powers or freedoms, and beholden to anything he says or does. This is less of a partner type relationship and more of an owner-slave type relationship. Or at least, that is often how you feel.

You may find yourself wondering, “Why does he say those hurtful things?” and “Why does he do the selfish things he does?”

What Drives the User/Abuser?

  1. Power: Men (and sometimes women) who exploit others for personal gain can be motivated by an insatiable need for power. Feeling weak, insufficient, or vulnerable is so intolerable to them, they would do most anything to avoid it. The shame that accompanies weakness and vulnerability is too overwhelming to bear, so they push and force their way into power and control positions. Whether in the family, in friend circles or at work, they must feel in control or they start acting out.
  2. Protection of Ego: An exploitive person may not always have the means to curate power in every situation. But his ability to protect his fragile ego is always top of mind. The ego of exploitive people is so fragile, any unwanted feeling like sadness, fear, worry or jealousy quickly turns to anger as a means of self-protection. Since his ego is unstable and unsure, he lashes out to blame, penalize and make others feel bad to make himself feel better. Offending his ego may evoke a severe mood shift or even attack.
  3. Image: Keeping a desirable image is supremely important to an Exploitive Person. Users are extremely concerned with how others view them. A propped up Image takes different forms, however. Each User needs others to seem him/her in a desired way. Some users want to be viewed as the wealthiest, the most intelligent, the most successful, the most athletic, the most upstanding, or just the best. Others like to be admired as the hero, the savior, the boss. If they can’t be seen as one of these winningest characters, then they will take the role of the victim- the most villainized, most ignored or treated most poorly of everyone.You are most desirable if you can add to that image, and you are most despised when you threaten it. For example, if the User you married wants his mother to believe that he is happily married and a doting husband, he may be especially sensitive to your needs in front of his mother. You might even say to yourself, “I knew he had a caring side!” However, if the User you married wants the guys at work to see him as more of an unencumbered playboy, he may stay out all night without talking to you about it first. If he wants to be viewed as successful and generous, he may buy those same guys rounds of drinks, spending your entire budget trying to impress them. Though each User is different, each is highly protective over his image.

Power, Ego-Protection and Image are all powerful motivations for an exploitive person, and recognizing these motivations will help you clarify the role you’ve been playing in the relationship. Seeing the truth about the exploitive nature in your relationship will help you set appropriate boundaries and eventually gain the confidence you need. You may be holding on, thinking that his caring and generous side is enough for you to stay, even if you rarely see it enacted toward you. However, beware that his desire for Power, Ego and Image will always outrank you.

If you wonder if you are with an exploitive person, take the Relationship Quiz here. Even though the person you are with may disguise his exploitive actions as benign, it is important for you to see and know the truth of your relationship. Only then, will you have the power to take necessary steps toward health and happiness.

The Christian Who Acts Like a Narcissist (Or is it the Narcissist Who Acts Like a Christian?)

Hello to all the Relationship Savvy Christmas Elves, Cookie Baking Mamas, and Snow Shovelers! The next two posts will be about the dynamics of narcissism in the Christian home.

People have been asking me lately, “Why are you writing on Narcissism and abuse? Because you’re married to a narcissist?” No, you don’t have to read between the lines in my case. Mr. Dashing is pretty much that, dashing, good-natured and all together foxy.
The reason I write on narcissism in relationships, is because, professionally, I recognize the need is great. The consequences of living with narcissistic toxicity, especially in the name of the Christian Faith is destructive and harmful to the entire family. The fact the bible is used to justify abuse of others grieves me deeply.Even more heartbreaking is that some victims see their Christian duty to endure the abuse in the name of marital submissiveness.

I have experienced and witnessed the chill of sociopathic cruelty, the shame of a putdown, the fear of grown-man-rage, and the smothering grip of an-out-of-his-mind control freak- from men who called themselves Christians. When dark things come into the light, they lose their power. That’s why I write on narcissism in relationships.
Not to say that that narcissistic Christian men don’t have immensely good qualities: evangelizing, sacrificial generosity, service, devotion to the faith and many more. Churches have been built on the narcissistic personality. Religions have been built on the narcissistic personality. Presidents have been voted into office on the narcissistic personality. My purpose isn’t to write about the epidemic of narcissism in our culture, or to lament its affects in the Christian Church, the economy or the government.

My Purpose

My purpose is to examine narcissistic toxicity in close relationships- primarily in the home- and to offer a different, more hopeful path. Christianity and the teachings of Christ have been more than just instructional to my family and my heart. My faith has been an anchor in the storm, a light to my path, and a call to humility. When practiced with love and grace, true emotional intimacy in families can flourish because of the safety and strength that is present. However, when the bible is used to force hierarchies, to enforce harsh rules, to excuse controlling and demeaning behavior and to legitimize inequality in the home, the Christian faith is no better than atheism, and possibly even more damaging.

Next week, we will explore what it looks like and feels like to be in a home or relationship where Christianity is used by the Narcissist to control and manipulate submission.

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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