Posts Tagged: red flags

Do You Feel Trapped in a Toxic Relationship?

Have you ever gotten sucked into a relationship with someone who wasn’t good for you? Have you given the benefit of the doubt too many times, and ended up getting tricked? Have you ever felt duped or taken advantage of by someone you trusted?

Sometimes, for the sake of being nice, you may overlook red flags about someone’s personality. Maybe you don’t want to be judgmental or “mean” so you ignore someone’s glaring character flaws and get close to them anyway. Maybe something inside you warns you to keep your distance, but you are compelled to get closer anyway. Then, once you get to close to step away easily, trouble starts and you realize just how bad the person is for you.

People don’t realize they are putting themselves at risk for being used or abused when they ignore their inner warning signs. Sometimes we see the truth a little too late. For the next four weeks, I will be giving pointers on:

1) How to Use your Intuition and Red Flags when it comes to dealing with Users and Abusers

2) How to identify Users and Abusers and their characteristics

3) How to Set necessary boundaries for safety and good self care

4) How to help someone you know who is married to a User or Abuser

I know from first hand experience that ignoring warning signs leads us down a path that is often difficult, sometimes even dangerous to leave. Stiff consequences like empty bank accounts, wounded hearts and stained reputations result from partnering with the wrong people in relationships. Whether business, marriage, family or friendship, making wise relationship choices can save you from further damage.

This week we will start off with one of my most favorite pieces of classic literature- a witty poem that describes the lure of predatory relationships all too clear.

The Spider and the Fly
Mary Howitt

Will you walk into my parlour?” said the Spider to the Fly, 
‘Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy; 
The way into my parlour is up a winding stair, 
And I’ve a many curious things to show when you are there.” 
“Oh no, no,” said the little Fly, “to ask me is in vain, 
For who goes up your winding stair can ne’er come down again.” 

“I’m sure you must be weary, dear, with soaring up so high; 
Will you rest upon my little bed?” said the Spider to the Fly. 
“There are pretty curtains drawn around; the sheets are fine and thin, 
And if you like to rest awhile, I’ll snugly tuck you in!” 
Oh no, no,” said the little Fly, “for I’ve often heard it said, 
They never, never wake again, who sleep upon your bed!” 

Said the cunning Spider to the Fly, “Dear friend what can I do, 
To prove the warm affection I’ve always felt for you? 
I have within my pantry, good store of all that’s nice; 
I’m sure you’re very welcome — will you please to take a slice?” 
“Oh no, no,” said the little Fly, “kind Sir, that cannot be, 
I’ve heard what’s in your pantry, and I do not wish to see!” 

“Sweet creature!” said the Spider, “you’re witty and you’re wise, 
How handsome are your gauzy wings, how brilliant are your eyes! 
I’ve a little looking-glass upon my parlour shelf, 
If you’ll step in one moment, dear, you shall behold yourself.” 
“I thank you, gentle sir,” she said, “for what you ‘re pleased to say, 
And bidding you good morning now, I’ll call another day.” 

The Spider turned him round about, and went into his den, 
For well he knew the silly Fly would soon come back again: 
So he wove a subtle web, in a little corner sly, 
And set his table ready, to dine upon the Fly. 
Then he came out to his door again, and merrily did sing, 
“Come hither, hither, pretty Fly, with the pearl and silver wing; 
Your robes are green and purple — there’s a crest upon your head; 
Your eyes are like the diamond bright, but mine are dull as lead!” 

Alas, alas! how very soon this silly little Fly, 
Hearing his wily, flattering words, came slowly flitting by; 
With buzzing wings she hung aloft, then near and nearer drew, 
Thinking only of her brilliant eyes, and green and purple hue — 
Thinking only of her crested head — poor foolish thing! At last, 
Up jumped the cunning Spider, and fiercely held her fast. 
He dragged her up his winding stair, into his dismal den, 
Within his little parlour — but she ne’er came out again! 

And now dear little children, who may this story read, 
To idle, silly flattering words, I pray you ne’er give heed: 
Unto an evil counsellor, close heart and ear and eye, 
And take a lesson from this tale, of the Spider and the Fly.

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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