Posts Tagged: toxic relationship

How to Recover Your Self Esteem After a Toxic Relationship

Posted April 19th, 2018 | Michelle Hollomon

Improving the way you think about yourself and the way you interact with the world around you is a key element in growth, healing and influence. As you feel better about yourself, you will attract healthy people and positive outcomes. Your perspective will change, as well as your self-respect.

When people come out of a dysfunctional or destructive relationship, they often scrape what’s left of their self-esteem up from off the floor. It has been questioned, put down and even attacked. If this describes you, you may have even lost trust in yourself. Maybe you lived through crazy making, brain washing, and psychological manipulation. Or maybe you were the “last to know” about your partners’ affairs and you feel like the fool.
No matter what, finding yourself in a dysfunctional or destructive relationship causes a major hit to the self-esteem. If you are recovering from a bad relationship, you will need time to heal. Your self esteem requires some care and attention in order for that healing to happen.

What is a healthy self-esteem, and how do you know when you’ve got one?

I really like a quote I read by President Truman defining humility, “Humility is an accurate assessment of yourself.” This means that you are not blind to your faults, but you are not consumed by them either. A healthy ego is able to sustain some course corrections, some negative feedback and some insults without falling apart. A healthy ego is not self obsessed, or aggrandizing, but is able to practice self-respect, self- confidence, and positive view of self. Having a happy sense of self means that you know how to hold on to yourself through the good and the bad, and you count yourself as equal to others.

Recovering your healthy sense of self after a toxic relationship, requires intentional effort and consistency. You can do it! Here’s how.

Limit Exposure to Toxic People: exposure to toxic people can vary in severity, duration and frequency. If you have brief encounters with a jerk, your self esteem could pretty much stay in tact. However, if you feel powerless to affect change in a jerk’s toxicity toward you, and your exposure to said jerk was enduring, severe and frequent, your self-esteem injury could be deep, infected and scarring.
Enduring toxicity may include psychological game-playing, slander, bullying, abusive control, punishing silence, personal attacks, pathological lying, and intermittent love/abuse cycles. These toxic patterns keeps their victims always guessing, uncertain, and helpless feeling. This relationship poison causes the victim to stop trusting themselves.  Even people who start out confident and self-assured, can sustain a self esteem injury when exposed to persistent, deliberate psychological abuse.

It’s important to get free from the toxic environment/relationship as soon as you can. Your sense of self can not fully heal if you stay in the toxic relationship hoping it will get better.

How to Heal the Wounded Self:
It is hard to know where to start after leaving. If you have children from the relationship, a lot of time will probably be spent making sure they are safe and cared for. But it is important to think how you will keep yourself safe and cared for as well. Here are some steps to recover your lost sense of self.

  • Find what you like to do and do it
  • Decorate your new space
  • Exercise to make your body feel alive, energetic and strong
  • Create by planting, crafting, sketching, cooking, or writing
  • Let Nature Nurture by spending time outdoors or with animals
  • Let Music be a powerful source for reflection, encouragement and outlet
  • Surround yourself with positive, caring people
  • Nurture yourself with things like a bath, candles, massage, long walks, cups of tea
  • Adopt a SELF CARE plan that includes all of these things and a schedule of how and when to do them.

It’s not just WHAT you do to recover your sense of self, it is HOW you do it. People who are able to accomplish these self-care tasks in a spirit of love and gratitude will make them that much more effective.  Since you are in the process of recovering who you were, who you are and who you will be, you will need to do any of these activities with great love and care. Say to yourself, “I love the water feels on my body,” or “I will receive this beautiful music as if it were written just for me,” or “my heart is really pumping and alive today, “ or “I’m grateful for the way my dog shows me attention,” or “the sun is shining through the trees so beautifully right now. I’m glad I am here to experience it.” Receiving these small gifts to our self esteem make them stick.

Once leaving a toxic environment or relationship, you may be tempted to isolate yourself. Instead, make small consistent steps toward openness, acceptance, connection and strength. With slow, consistent self-care exercises, you will recover your sense of self and you will reinvent for your future.

5 Powerful Practices to Heal From a Toxic Relationship

Posted November 18th, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Are you recovering from a toxic relationship? Maybe you feel betrayed, or rejected or used. Maybe you know you need a fresh start, but just need some help getting there. When your trust is broken in a relationship, your fundamental needs of safety and security are shaken. You may feel on edge, tense, anxious or scared. You may feel depressed, lonely or even hopeless, unable to plan your next steps. The aftermath of emotional or physical trauma can powerfully impact mood, sleep, weight, job performance and overall health.

Here are 5 of my most Powerful Interventions for Toxic Relationship Trauma Survivors

feet-in-sand

1. Restore Order Through Boundaries

Asserting boundaries can be difficult and intimidating, but necessary. I’ve listed Boundaries as the first and most important practice because getting physically, financially and emotionally safe, is the most basic and necessary step for healing.

What are boundaries?

  • Boundaries are invisible lines between you and someone else. Boundaries help you know where you end and where someone else begins. Boundaries allow you to protect what is valuable to you, allow you to be responsible for yourself, and for others to do the same. However, you will never heal and things will never get better if you don’t say “No” to the things that are hurting you, and “Yes” to the things you need. It may be scary to say, “I want you to leave,” or “Don’t talk to me like that,” or “Don’t call again.” But your heart needs safety, security and peace. It’s ok to follow through with your needs and boundaries until you feel the peace and safety you need.
  • Boundaries are Necessary for Healing. Often times, survivors of trauma feel as though their power and control was taken from them. It is important to restore that sense of empowerment through asserting yourself, meeting your own needs and setting limits through appropriate boundaries. Saying “No” to things that you don’t need, and “Yes” to things you do need will help you feel more in control.

2. People

Women often feel pressure to keep their relationship stress private to protect their partner’s reputation or to avoid judgment from others. Many women don’t feel like there is a safe way to share relationship problems with friends or family, so they keep their stress to themselves. Sometimes the truth of the relationship feels too ugly, too unbelievable, or too dark to share.

But, telling trustworthy people what you are going through is important when you want to heal trauma. Loving people lift us up, speak honestly to us, encourage bravery, cry with us, honor us, and remind us that it’s going to be ok even in the worst of circumstances. Loving relationships help heal the trauma, and give new direction. It’s tempting to keep the painful truth a secret, but opening up and sharing your experiences releases the pent up stress and helps with thinking more clearly, creatively and constructively.

friends-walking

3. Self Care

You may feel like you had to let your own needs go in order to take care of your partner’s needs. Hopefully, now you feel like you can take necessary strides toward taking care of your own needs.

  • Rest: Make rest and recuperation one of your highest priorities. Trauma can keep us keyed up, locked down, and frozen in fear. Now that you are aware of what you need and you are getting yourself free from harm, take plenty of time to rest. Recover. Heal slowly. Watch the seasons turn. Take long slow walks. Waste time. Sleep. Cozy up. Be gentle and nurture yourself.
  • Eat: During your time just trying to survive, you may have been too anxious to eat, restricted food or used food to feel better. It’s time to give yourself good nutrition.
  • Move: Your body will feel better when you start exercising, strengthening and stretching. Your body wants to feel strong again. Sometimes feeling strong on the inside comes easier when we practice becoming strong on the outside.
  • Play: if you’ve ever watched a child swing or swim or play with a puppy, you know that time seems to stop for that child and they are just enjoying the moment. Take time to be playful. Laugh at silly things. Blow bubbles. Paint your toes different colors. Be you, and give yourself permission to laugh.

breath-deep

4. Invest in Therapy

Recovery from relationship abuse, betrayal or divorce is not complete until you feel hopeful and ready for your future. Therapy is a way for you to explore unhealthy patterns, and how to change them so you can attract authentic love in your future. It’s not uncommon to work with a few therapists until you find one that understands your unique situation. When you find a therapist that is a good match, you can address:

  • past or recent trauma
  • the importance of following through on boundaries
  • improved ability toward assertiveness
  • ways to manage depressive or anxiety symptoms
  • effective communication
  • how to avoid attracting toxic personalities
  • setting new life goals

5. Feed Your Soul

When our situation becomes out of control, and the old way of doing things isn’t working, we need God to help us. Relationship trauma can cause isolation, depression and feelings of loneliness. Some of us get so exhausted by our busy, chaotic lives, we are too tired or guilt-ridden to listen to our spiritual needs. One thing I know, is that there is never a bad time to seek spiritual help from God. In bed, in the bar, on the street, in the hospital, or in the car, seeking comfort and guidance outside of yourself is a good thing. Admitting that we need God’s help is a first step in healing and recovery, and often results in a feeling of hope and peace. Here are some practical ways to feed the soul.

  • Journal: Journaling slows your thoughts down to the speed you can write. This is helpful when you feel emotionally flooded or triggered. Journaling helps you see your thoughts and feelings as valuable, and worthy of being expressed. Journaling is especially helpful when you are angry or stressed and can’t focus on anything else but what’s troubling you. Once you get it on paper, you can leave it there, validate it as important, and move on to your next healthy step.
  • Dependence Prayers: When worry and guilt creep into your daily life, it is important to give yourself permission to hand that worry and guilt over to God. There are many matters that are out of your control and worrying over them just makes you feel worse. Depending Prayers sound like, “I don’t know what to do, but I know You do, and You will help me.”
  • Creation: being creative and enjoying creation is healing to mind, body and soul. Experiencing God through creation, gives new energy and perspective.  Gardening, hiking, crocheting, writing, painting, sculpting, and making music are ways to communicate with God, soul to soul, as deep calls to deep. Creating and recreating takes methodical, patient steps. The heart rate slows to steady, the breath deepens, and the mind clears. Our hope returns and our problems don’t seem so overwhelming.

“Come to me… I will give you rest.” – Jesus to the hurting.

clarity

Surviving relational trauma is not easy, but it is important work. These five steps can help you not only survive a toxic relationship, but get free and happy again. I know that saying goodbye to a relationship, even if it’s toxic, can be a painful and scary road. Healing from that pain takes time and effort. Sometimes, when I know I’m at the beginning of a long journey, I like to envision what it will be like when I’m already there. Imagine yourself healed, free and happy. It will happen, and these practices will help you get there.

How to Help A Friend In a Toxic Relationship

Posted November 11th, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Do you love your friend, but can’t stand the guy she is with? Is he emotionally, verbally or physically abusive to her but acts like it’s no big deal? Maybe he drinks too much, is too controlling, or has a reputation for being a bad boy. Whatever it is, you are afraid she is getting into a relationship that she won’t be able to get out of, and it scares you. Here are 10 ways for you to help your friend who’s in a toxic relationship.

budapest-phone

1.Trust Your Instinct. You may not know if he is abusive or not, but something about him makes you uneasy. Instead of brushing that feeling off, pay attention to it. If you don’t trust him, there is probably something about him that doesn’t add up. Your instinct is a powerful tool in helping you discern safe from un-safe people.

2. Ask Hard Questions. If you have reservations about your friend’s new guy, be willing to ask her questions and share your reservations. It may feel awkward or even a little confrontational. Be careful to show your care and concern and re-iterate how important she is to you. There is no need to lecture her about her answers to these questions. Just be willing to ask things like, “Do you know where the money is going?” or “Has he hurt you before?” or “Are you scared that he might hurt you?” or “Does he threaten you?” She may be reluctant to tell you unless she is pointedly asked.

trust-intuition

3. Remain Non-judgmental. Chances are, she sees things in him that you don’t, and she loves him. She also believes that he loves her, no matter what other people may say. Reserve judgment and try to empathize with her feelings. If she sees the good in him, pointing out the bad may only push her farther away from you and into his arms. Be careful to stay empathetic and open to your friend. Women in toxic or abusive relationships often feel trapped, powerless and unable to leave. It is possible to remain supportive of her without supporting his abusive behavior.

4. Plan a Mini- Intervention. An intervention should be carefully considered in regard to making sure your friend feels safe, supported and cared for. Invite a couple of her closest friends or family members together to share your concerns with her. It’s important that she not feel coerced, pressured or guilted into leaving the abusive relationship. Be careful not to run through a list of the things you don’t like about her guy. Instead, share how you’ve noticed her changing, how you miss seeing her as often, and that you are there for her when she needs you. Tell her, “You don’t seem as happy as you used to,” or “You don’t do the things that used to make you happy. Is everything ok?” An intervention may not result in a “Rescue Operation,” but it can be a first step to help her feel the support she needs if/when she decides to leave.

5. Believe Her. If, and when she opens up to you about emotional, physical or financial abuse, it’s important for her to feel like you believe her, and that what she is saying is important. Abuse comes in many forms: obsessive control, psychological manipulation, religious intimidation, jealous rage, and invasive badgering. If your friend says there is “something wrong” but can’t put her finger on it, believe her without supporting details. She more than likely has tried to minimize or excuse the abuse for awhile, and admitting it is extremely difficult. Validating her fear and pain is important, as is helping her think through next steps.

6. Ask her how she wants you to help. It’s ok if you don’t know what to do, what to say or how to help. Ask her how you can support her. No one has all the right answers at all the right times, and she probably doesn’t want answers as much as a friend to listen, share her burden, and be a safe person to turn to. If she does want help to get safe, see #8.

7. Be patient. Often, women in abusive relationships contemplate leaving for years but fear the consequences of that decision. She may be afraid of losing her children, or that he will take revenge. She may still be hopeful that he will change. You may be tempted to become frustrated with her indecision, but this indecision is an important part of her process to finally break free. Instead of pressuring her to leave, tell her you support her decision to leave but you understand how hard that decision is to make. The leaving/going back process may take years. Let her know you’re there for her no matter what she decides.

woman-at-door

8. Be practical. If she is trying to escape her relationship, be as practical as you can. Some suggestions are: buy her a phone with a private number to use in emergencies, give her a safe place to stay, drive her to a safe house, watch her kids while she gets help, ask if you can call the police to escort her to get her things, or help her make connections with local Domestic Violence Agencies. www.thehotline.org and 1-800-799-7233 are domestic violence helplines that can help with next steps. The dedicated people here are a wealth of information and are willing to help.

9. Remind her of her value and worth. Often, women in toxic relationships can lose their confidence and sense of self-worth. They may live in a state of anxiety or depression and feel unable to take important steps toward health and healing. Help them to remember that they are important to you and to the people who love them.

10. Pray. Sometimes prayer is the best and only way to help. Toxic, abusive relationships have a great deal of power over women and their families. Without breaching her confidentiality, rally friends and family together to pray that 1) this toxic power loses its grip, 2) that the threat of emotional and physical violence is replaced by safety and support, and 3) that Light would replace darkness. Pray that your friend is able to feel her own value and receive care from those who truly love her. Once she breaks free from the abuse, she will need extra prayer support to stay strong, stay safe and stay the course.

Your friend is lucky and blessed to have you. You may be afraid that you’ve said or done the wrong thing in the past. Maybe you’ve even kept your distance for awhile. Maybe you’ve been hurt because she pulled away from you. These things commonly happen. These feelings don’t have to stop your love for her. And Love always wins.

Do You Feel Trapped in a Toxic Relationship?

Posted June 16th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

Have you ever gotten sucked into a relationship with someone who wasn’t good for you? Have you given the benefit of the doubt too many times, and ended up getting tricked? Have you ever felt duped or taken advantage of by someone you trusted?

Sometimes, for the sake of being nice, you may overlook red flags about someone’s personality. Maybe you don’t want to be judgmental or “mean” so you ignore someone’s glaring character flaws and get close to them anyway. Maybe something inside you warns you to keep your distance, but you are compelled to get closer anyway. Then, once you get to close to step away easily, trouble starts and you realize just how bad the person is for you.

People don’t realize they are putting themselves at risk for being used or abused when they ignore their inner warning signs. Sometimes we see the truth a little too late. For the next four weeks, I will be giving pointers on:

1) How to Use your Intuition and Red Flags when it comes to dealing with Users and Abusers

2) How to identify Users and Abusers and their characteristics

3) How to Set necessary boundaries for safety and good self care

4) How to help someone you know who is married to a User or Abuser

I know from first hand experience that ignoring warning signs leads us down a path that is often difficult, sometimes even dangerous to leave. Stiff consequences like empty bank accounts, wounded hearts and stained reputations result from partnering with the wrong people in relationships. Whether business, marriage, family or friendship, making wise relationship choices can save you from further damage.

This week we will start off with one of my most favorite pieces of classic literature- a witty poem that describes the lure of predatory relationships all too clear.

The Spider and the Fly
Mary Howitt

Will you walk into my parlour?” said the Spider to the Fly, 
‘Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy; 
The way into my parlour is up a winding stair, 
And I’ve a many curious things to show when you are there.” 
“Oh no, no,” said the little Fly, “to ask me is in vain, 
For who goes up your winding stair can ne’er come down again.” 

“I’m sure you must be weary, dear, with soaring up so high; 
Will you rest upon my little bed?” said the Spider to the Fly. 
“There are pretty curtains drawn around; the sheets are fine and thin, 
And if you like to rest awhile, I’ll snugly tuck you in!” 
Oh no, no,” said the little Fly, “for I’ve often heard it said, 
They never, never wake again, who sleep upon your bed!” 

Said the cunning Spider to the Fly, “Dear friend what can I do, 
To prove the warm affection I’ve always felt for you? 
I have within my pantry, good store of all that’s nice; 
I’m sure you’re very welcome — will you please to take a slice?” 
“Oh no, no,” said the little Fly, “kind Sir, that cannot be, 
I’ve heard what’s in your pantry, and I do not wish to see!” 

“Sweet creature!” said the Spider, “you’re witty and you’re wise, 
How handsome are your gauzy wings, how brilliant are your eyes! 
I’ve a little looking-glass upon my parlour shelf, 
If you’ll step in one moment, dear, you shall behold yourself.” 
“I thank you, gentle sir,” she said, “for what you ‘re pleased to say, 
And bidding you good morning now, I’ll call another day.” 

The Spider turned him round about, and went into his den, 
For well he knew the silly Fly would soon come back again: 
So he wove a subtle web, in a little corner sly, 
And set his table ready, to dine upon the Fly. 
Then he came out to his door again, and merrily did sing, 
“Come hither, hither, pretty Fly, with the pearl and silver wing; 
Your robes are green and purple — there’s a crest upon your head; 
Your eyes are like the diamond bright, but mine are dull as lead!” 

Alas, alas! how very soon this silly little Fly, 
Hearing his wily, flattering words, came slowly flitting by; 
With buzzing wings she hung aloft, then near and nearer drew, 
Thinking only of her brilliant eyes, and green and purple hue — 
Thinking only of her crested head — poor foolish thing! At last, 
Up jumped the cunning Spider, and fiercely held her fast. 
He dragged her up his winding stair, into his dismal den, 
Within his little parlour — but she ne’er came out again! 

And now dear little children, who may this story read, 
To idle, silly flattering words, I pray you ne’er give heed: 
Unto an evil counsellor, close heart and ear and eye, 
And take a lesson from this tale, of the Spider and the Fly.

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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