Posts Tagged: couples

When Couples Counseling Isn’t Working

Posted May 12th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

We all know that communication is key to happy relationships. I teach interpersonal communication and conflict resolution classes and I know the positive impact communication can have in the couples counseling session. But what about the relationships that just refuse to improve? That no matter how many communication skills are learned, progress just isn’t made?

Some relationships are so entrenched in destructive patterns, that no manner of communication can fix them. When improved communication does not improve a relationship, I usually look to deeper reasons of toxicity.

When Communication Skills Don’t Work

Communication skills can solve a host of issues, help with understanding, improve problem solving and build relationships. But there are some things it can’t do. Communication, by itself, can not help a couple when…

  1. There’s a secret– sometimes relationships can not improve because one partner is keeping a secret. These secrets range from hiding an affair, a gambling addiction, a financial crisis, or an entire secret identity. If honesty and trustworthiness is not at the core of a relationship, it is doomed. Communication without full honesty is just lying to someone.
  2. There’s a lack of empathy– sometimes a partner simply can not or will not feel empathy for the other person. One partner refuses to put him/herself in the other person’s shoes because it makes him/her feel weak or vulnerable. This type of person can learn complex communication skills, but without compassion, the relationship will fail. Communication without empathy is just talking at someone.
  3. There’s a power imbalance– some relationships adopt a hierarchical structure where one person has more power than the other. This partner uses his/her hierarchical dominance to control the other person. Equal treatment, privileges, or priorities are not given to both partners. Communication without equality is just talking down to someone.
  4. There’s abuse– abuse comes in a lot of forms. Psychological, religious, financial, physical, sexual, emotional abuse occurs when one partner intimidates, harms, takes advantage of, or manipulates the other for personal gain, control or dominance. Communication without safety is just talking abusively.
  5. There’s apathy– some relationships consist of one highly motivated person and one apathetic person. The motivated person feels all talked out, and wants to see real action. However, if the conversations don’t result in tangible change, then communication is useless. Communication without follow through is pointless.
  6. There’s addiction– if addiction is present within the relationship (alcohol, prescription meds, marijuana, gambling, porn, etc.) counseling will offer little help until the addiction is addressed and treated. Communication without addiction-recovery is sickness.
hopeful woman
If you find yourself in a relationship where mere communication is not helping, then put your energies into becoming as healthy as possible. Make a commitment to yourself to invest in your emotional, spiritual and physical life. In the face of feeling the sorrow and anxiety of a difficult relationship, give yourself some nurture and friendship. Ask God to give you clarity and comfort.

Simple Strategies for Date Night

Posted April 27th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

Yesterday, I had a craving for chips and salsa. I started thinking about it around lunch time, but couldn’t take a break until an hour or two later. I salivated at the first hint of salsa in the bowl, opened the tortilla chip bag, and plunged in. Smelling the “hint of lime” and readying my pallet for heaven, I was deeply disappointed when I tasted the chips were stale.

Noooooo! How can this be? How old are these? Who opened these in the first place? Who didn’t put a clip on them? Arg!

42109893 - portrait of romantic young african american couple in park

Well, sometimes marriage can get stale too, especially if it is not cared for the way it needs. I’ve been writing a good bit on destructive relationships, and have gotten tons of positive feedback. But today, I want to address marriages that don’t fall into the “destructive” category. Today, we will talk about one way to Make Good Marriages Great.

The Great Date

We can all agree that date nights are important, but are difficult to schedule with competing calendars. This kid has practice, that kid has rehearsal, one partner works late, and the other one travels. It’s hard to carve out time for each other, but not impossible. Here are some ideas to help you make Date Night Great!

  1. Prioritize: one goal of marriage is to stay married and happy long after the kids are gone. Prioritizing time together now, can make life together later much more satisfying. Prioritizing together time, may require saying “no” to other events and invitations. This may be a necessary sacrifice in order to put the marriage 1st. My first clinical supervisor was married with teenagers and dated his wife every Friday night. EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT! They made an impression on Mr. Dashing and I early in our marriage to always make together-time a priority.
  2. Invest a Little: Good date nights don’t always take a lot of money, but don’t be afraid to spend a little extra money to make it special. Date nights are special. With some thoughtfulness, the couple can feel special to each other too. When we spend money on something, we are more likely to value it and treat it with care.
  3. Do Something Fun: Shared experiences turn into shared memories which turn into strong bonds. Doing something creative, new, different or active gets the body and the brain engaged, and results in lower stress, release of feel-good endorphins, and even a bump in the attachment hormone called oxytocin.
  4. Stay Positive: Date nights in general, should be a positive experience for both people. Of course date nights can be used for problem solving, hashing out issues, or venting every once in a while. However, date nights shouldn’t always be a beat down or a melt down. They should be a “shot in the arm,” infusing the fun, the closeness and the romance back into your relationship.
  5. Take Initiative: Some couples get stuck on “who’s turn is it” and “I planned it last time” and “I have to do all the work to make date night happen.” Instead of complaining, nagging and perpetuating the problem, communicate something like, “I really miss you, and I want to have some together time. I’ll find the baby sitter. Will you plan the date?”

45115567 - old man and woman in warm clothes sitting in park at leisure

Mr. Dashing and I will be looking into fun date nights soon… we will be celebrating year #21 in June. Our marriage is finally old enough to drink! We both agree, that investing in the relationship we have now, will give us many happy years to come. (no, that is not a picture of what we look like!) What fun date nights have you had? Feel free to share!

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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