Posts Categorized: Posts About Mojo

Six Simple Ways to Improve Self-Confidence

Posted April 12th, 2018 | Michelle Hollomon

Insecurities and self esteem issues can cause a lot of problems in life. You may over extend yourself, say yes when you need to say no, or talk yourself out of goals and dreams. The good news is that Self Esteem is not fixed and inflexible- it can change and improve. With the right people, practice and positivity, you can change that pesky sense of self-doubt once and for all. Whether you’ve suffered with low self esteem you’re entire life, or you’ve recently gone through something hard and you’ve lost your confidence, you can make simple changes that will improve how you feel about yourself.

Why do I struggle with Self Esteem Issues More than Other People?

The development of self esteem over the course of a life time can be complex. A combination of personality type, nurturing experiences, peer influence and skills attainment affect a person’s self esteem. My blog post last week addressed this in detail and is worth the read if you want to understand the development of self esteem better. Once you discover where your Self Esteem may have gotten delayed or off course, you most likely be ready to start practicing ways to improve.

People who struggle with self esteem rarely count that at their only problem. They usually complain that their self esteem affects their performance at work, their confidence as a parent, who they chose as a spouse, and how satisfying their friendship are. If you feel negatively about yourself, your relationships, career and meaning in life will also suffer. Improving your own sense of self worth is an essential task in life to experience significance and happiness. Here are Six Simple Steps to Improve your Self Esteem and start feeling better!

How to Improve Self Esteem

Get free of toxic people: Toxic people are those who are so self-absorbed and/or empty that they use up your energy, your good-natured generosity, or your positivity in exchange for their negativity, criticism, gossip or control. Their dysfunctional behavior patterns do more to bring you down, than up. It is impossible to heal or improve your self-esteem when you’re too close to the poison of toxic, self-centered and vampiric people.
Nurture Positive Relationships: It may be impossible to eradicate toxic people from your life entirely, but maintaining other uplifting relationships is an essential task to improving self-esteem. Once you untangle yourself from negative people, it’s time to find healthier people who will add to your sense of self instead of take away from it. You may find these people while you volunteer in non-profit organizations, or participate in book clubs, writing groups, neighborhood or exercise meet-ups. Many churches have recognized the need for community, and have structured means to connect to support that need.
Self Esteem Exercises: Whether you’re good at bargain hunting, decorating, painting, programming, hosting, training dogs, or hiking, to improve your self-esteem, you’ll need to practice the things you’re good at, and start adopting a few things that you’re not. In the context of doing something you’re good at, add something that you’re not so good at, like surfing, cooking, or art, and start learning. Learning and perfecting a new skill is highly gratifying and confidence boosting. It may require taking a class, going to a workshop, and getting certified at something you’re interested in. Many people who are healing from a broken relationship, will “re-tool” for a fresh start. Maybe they acquire a Pilates certification, or go back to school to change careers, or join a writing critique group. Learning and becoming competent at a new skill energizes all the right areas of brain and soul, and will help boost positivity and hopefulness.
Change the Brain: Negative and critical thinking plague the person with a struggling self-esteem. But the good news is that even an old brain can learn new tricks. The brain likes to streamline and go into auto pilot. It doesn’t like to work hard, so it tries to go the easy way. So if your brain has a habit of thinking overly critical thoughts about yourself or others, or if it jumps to negative conclusions, worst case scenarios, or self-ruin, it can change with the right intervention. If your brain is in auto-pilot-negativity mode, it’s time to take back the controls and train it to respond in a new and better way. Stopping old cognitive patterns and replacing them with more helpful and effective thoughts will re-train the brain to streamline in a more positive way. The more you exercise these new patterns, the more automatic they become.
Trauma Work: Self esteem development can get arrested, detained and imprisoned by traumatic events. Trauma can not only stunt healthy growth, it can also make a person distrusting, hyper-vigilant, and over-reactive. Treating the effects of trauma with proven trauma therapy like EMDR, LifeSpan Integration or Bio Feedback can release the imprisoned energy from the trauma memories and reset it to neutral. Finding a counselor or psychologist who have experience and training treating trauma is a great first step.
Embrace Spirituality: There are many faith persuasions, and each person must decide for themselves about their belief system. I have found a few things that are helpful here. Though some refer to God as a Higher Power or the Universe, I like to see God as not only my benevolent Higher Power, but also someone I can talk with when needing rescue. Sometimes we are unable to muster strength, confidence or faith enough to do the hard things required of us in life. It’s those times that faith in a personal God can add to our sense of connection to Someone and something far greater than ourselves. In that spiritual connection, our sense of feeling loved, seen and cared for rejuvenates our esteem and confidence.

Improving the way you think about yourself and the way you interact with the world around you is a key element in growth, healing and influence. As you feel better about yourself, you will attract healthy people and positive outcomes. Your perspective will change, as well as your self-respect. Next week, we will talk about how to build your self esteem after a toxic relationship. See you then!

Improve Your Self Confidence: Key Ingredients to Healthy Self Esteem

Posted April 5th, 2018 | Michelle Hollomon

Do you ever wish you could be more confident, more self assured? Do you with that you didn’t doubt yourself, your abilities, your value, or your place in the world? We all know that healthy self-esteem is important to healthy relationships and happiness, but if you struggle with self-confidence, you may not know how to improve it.

This, and the next two posts will address:

How Healthy Self Esteem is encouraged in children, and the key ingredients we all need for healthy psychological development.
How to Improve an injured sense of self through routine psychological exercises.
How to Recover your self-confidence after a toxic relationship.

Let’s start by asking yourself these questions:

Do you…

Feel less talented, attractive, intelligent, successful than most people?
Compare yourself to others often, wondering how you rank?
Beat yourself up after simple mistakes, oversites, or embarrassing moments?
Talk to yourself like you’re the worst person on earth?
Struggle with toxic shame and guilt?
Feel responsible for other people’s happiness?
Rehearse to ad nauseam self-criticisms?

If you answered yes to these questions, you may have a wounded sense of self, or in other words, a poor self-esteem.

Understanding Self Esteem

Self Esteem is developed in children over a period of time by way of three factors: 1) Positive regard and affirmation from family of origin, 2) Attainment of Skills and Competencies, and 3) Acceptance by Peers. That’s the short answer, but there is actually a lot that goes in to building one’s self-esteem. Here’s the deets.

1) Positive Regard and Family Affirmation: Esteem deposits drop into a child’s core self through consistent affirmation, guidance, love and discipline from parents. Parents and care-givers don’t have to be perfect, they just need to be good enough- guiding, loving, listening, correcting and encouraging their children. However, if the environment is over bearing, coddling, overly critical, emotionally unsafe or unpredictable, the child could develop some serious ego wounds. If, for example, a mother rarely lets her son do hard things for himself, he will likely grow up believing he is incapable of overcoming challenges. On the other hand, if a father is overly critical of a child who works hard, the child will grow to feel like her best is never good enough. One caveat here: there are some adults who grew up in a loving and supportive home and who developed a positive self-esteem, however during adulthood, encountered something so negative, traumatic or abusive, that over time, their self esteem was injured. People in toxic work, marriage or cult environments who start out confident and self-assured, can be so afflicted by persistent, deliberate psychological abuse that the self-esteem injury can take years to heal.

2) Attainment of Skills and Competencies: Just as important to building self-esteem, is consistent mastery of developmental tasks. As the child grows in emotional self-regulation, physical maturation, and attainment of new skills, he/she will be confident to try new things. As the child experiments with music, sports, building things, drama, art, animals, etc, the child will discover natural talents and gain in proficiencies. When a child feels he is good at something, his self-esteem rises. If a child is not encouraged or allowed to become competent in his interests, or is steered toward something he is not good at or interested in, his self-esteem will struggle.

3) Acceptance by Peers: By ages 10, 11, and 12 the voice of the peer group begins to speak louder than the parents. Children who are generally accepted by their peers will glean self-esteem through the adolescent years from the feedback they are getting from their peers. If they feel excluded, like they don’t fit in, or in the worst case, bullied, then their self esteem can take a big hit. Many teens who didn’t succeed socially, will do so in young adulthood, thereby repairing the damage to their self-esteem. If not, a child could grow up feeling socially inadequate, anxious in social situations, and generally undesirable.

If you are well past your 20s you may think the Self Esteem Ship has sailed, and that if you didn’t develop a healthy self-esteem when you were younger, it’s too late for you. The great news, is that it’s not too late. You can work on your self-esteem at any stage in life and achieve the confidence you need to set boundaries, to resolve conflict, to achieve deeper intimacy, and pursue big goals.

With the right people, practice and positivity, you can change that pesky sense of self-doubt once and for all. Now that we’ve talked about what goes into the development of healthy self- confidence, we are ready to learn the basics of IMPROVING self-confidence. Next week, I will be offering 6 Simple Ways to Improve Self Confidence. Talk to you next week!

Becoming a Pro at Self Care

Posted September 30th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

Good morning to the Super Moons of my life! Did you know that the recent super moon appeared 14% bigger than usual? Well, that’s who you are to me- bigger and more special than just the standard stock moon. You are SUPER moons!

Last week’s blog about over functioning got a ton of response. It’s like I hit a chord or something. Who’da thunk? So this week, I’m going to talk about Self Care. As if all the Over Functioners out there might need a little of that. Pshaw.

I’m not just talking about the tired, old self care stuff like “Get a massage,” or “Get a sitter,” or “Get some exercise.” No! This post will be WAY different.

And if it’s not, it’s still going to be exactly what you need to hear, because there is not a person I know ANYWHERE that doesn’t need a PUSH toward good self care. You care about a lot of things and a lot of people. You want the best out of life and the best out of yourself. So why not be the best at Self Care? Why not be the gal that people talk about asking, “How does she find the time….?” Why not be the guy that is posting fishing selfies all the time? Why not make everyone jealous of how good your take care of yourself?!

· Lop it off. A principle of gardening says to cut off the dying leaves and flowers so they don’t drain the energy from the thriving plant. You may be tempted to keep a relationship or activity going even though it’s sucking you dry. You have to weigh how much energy this thing is sucking out of you compared to how much life it’s giving back. Don’t be afraid to lop it off (or aspects of it) so it will make room for healing, recovery and nurturing.

· Prioritize it. Once you’ve gotten rid of the thing that needed pruning, you will have more time and space for your thriving, wonderful self. Buckle down and get serious about your self care. Make sure that you prioritize yourself, cuz ain’t nobody gonna do it for ya.

· Schedule it.This sounds like a no-brainer. You and I both know that if it’s not on the calendar, it’s not going to happen. The calendar is King, and self care doesn’t exist unless it makes it on the calendar. Schedule it daily or weekly and write it down. Once it makes it on the calendar, treat it like a sacred appointment that you don’t monkey around with.

· Sometimes it hurts. No one likes dentist appointments or physicals, or blood draws. But when was the last time you got your skin mapped, your weird mole looked at, your breasts squished, or your colon scoped? These routine appointments aren’t the funnest self-care activities, but they are important. Prioritize your health, and do the hard thing by getting yourself checked out. Sometimes we find ourselves avoiding medical attention because we are afraid of what the doctor might find. Don’t let this fear get the best of you. Information is your friend.

· Pay for it. We value what we pay for. There is a lot of power in paying good money for self-nurture. When we pay for Self Care, we are telling ourselves, “you are worth it. Your emotional, spiritual, physical health is worth it. Your happiness is worth it.” If Self Care doesn’t cost you anything, then ask yourself why not? You’re spending your money on something. So what are you prioritizing above Self care? And why?

· Make it a habit. Putting it on the calendar and paying for it is just the beginning. Lots of people get a massage now and then, or go away with friends every couple years, or get their nails done, or belong to a gym. These things are for amateurs. Making self care a habit is for the pros! Daily and Weekly Self Care is where it’s really at. When Self Care becomes a habit, you reap the emotional, spiritual and physical benefits like happiness, peace and health.

Let’s face it, we’ve all got some baggage in our past. Whether its baggage that someone else packed for us, or its baggage we’ve packed ourselves, there’s plenty of it there. Taking time, energy and money to nurture ourselves takes care of some of that baggage. I get it, that some baggage has to be unloaded piece by piece, memory by memory, hurt by hurt. That’s what counseling is for. But other baggage just needs some nurture, patience, time, and quiet. Every time you offer yourself some nurturing in the present, you’re soothing some kind of pain from the past. That’s just the way it works.

Some Self Care You May Not Have Thought of Yet…

· Art Journal– doodle, write, color, paint and don’t display it. Keep it for yourself.

· Meditate with Music– let your mind focus on one good thing at a time.

· Silent Retreat– I dare you. Click here for the one I went to.

· Read and Write Poetry- if you write some, send it to me. I love the stuff.

· Enjoy Nature– this is God’s ongoing letter to me.

· Feed the birds– seriously. Just feeds some birds. It makes you feel good.

· Create something cool– maybe something with barn wood. It’s #trending.

· Clean out a corner or a closet, and make it your own space- you know you want to!

· Grow something- taking something from seed to fruit slows you down enough to be present.

I wonder how God will bless the little sacrifices of time you make for good self care. Each hour you spend getting in touch with yourself, with God and the spirit He’s put in you will bless you back double. Let me know what you are already doing to take care of the Valuable You. What will you change? What will you prune?

Six Steps to Get Over Rejection Quicker

Posted August 26th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

When you’re at soccer practice but none of the other moms are talking to you.

When you find out you didn’t get selected for that job.

When you find porn sites on your husband’s computer.

When you find texts on your wife’s phone from another man.

When you’re single and everybody in the entire universe is married.

When the people you love and count on the most let you down.

Rejection is that dark and sinking feeling that you being you is just not enough. That if you were somehow better, smarter, more interesting, thinner, funnier, more popular, then this kind of rejection wouldn’t happen. That if you were more like someone else and less like you, then you’d be much better off. You start to believe that there must be something wrong with you because all those perfect people out there don’t feel this way.

Rejection. Rejection is what you feel when you show up to your life but the people around you don’t receive you the way you wanted. We all feel it in varying intensity at different times in our lives. No one is immune to it, but some people handle it in resilient ways. Here are Six Resilient ways to handle the inevitable rejections in your life.

1. Don’t Take it Personally. You may be tempted to become very egocentric and make the rejection all about you. You may try to make sense of the rejection by thinking of all the ways you just don’t measure up. By doing this, you sink further and further into yourself, closing yourself off from helpful reality.

2. Face Reality. Reality will inform you that there are many variables that affect your circumstances and subsequent rejection feelings. Other people’s needs, hang ups, expectations, and behaviors are often influenced by other things than just you. Do you have a part to play in their rejection? Maybe. But be realistic about owning your part, and not theirs.

3. Take Some Personal Time. People who recover from rejection quickly prioritize their personal time to get their thoughts and feelings working for them instead of against them. Maybe you need to journal, or go for a long run, or go for a long drive with your music turned up. Maybe you pray or write a letter to yourself. In essence, you are being your own best friend when you need a best friend the most. Personally, I believe this is the time that God gets to show up as your best friend too.

4. Make a Plan. Rejection can immobilize and de-motivate you, but it is important not to let it. Doing nothing often steals your power. But making a plan gives you your power back. Do you want to acquire more skills, get healthy, reinvent yourself, find a supportive group of friends, start dating, change your dating profile, update your resume, change directions? This is an opportunity for you to figure out what you really want and make a plan to get it.

5. Don’t Reject Yourself. When you feel rejected, you may rehearse all the reasons why you were rejected. Of course, these are all conjectures and assumptions, but none the less, you are tempted to nurse them, sulk and feel down about yourself. Don’t. Just because you have been rejected, don’t worsen the injury by rejecting yourself too. Say, “I feel bad and rejected, and maybe humiliated too. I’ll be damned if I do that to myself. I’m going to learn from this, hold my head high, and not let this turn me into a victim.”

6. Don’t Keep Knocking on Closed Doors. Sometimes, you may find yourself trying and trying and trying to fit in with the wrong crowd, getting the wrong guys to like you, working at a job that’s not a good fit, or getting an abandoning person to stay. It may be time to let go, and try something that is a better fit for you. Don’t work harder at trying to meet other people’s expectations than you work at meeting your own.

Rejection has the power to make you bitter or better, sadder or stronger. You chose you.

Goal Morphing: What to do when you must change goals.

Posted June 25th, 2013 | Michelle Hollomon

It’s half way through your 2013, and time to brush up on your goals. Have they changed since making them at the beginning of the year? Are you right on track, or do you seem helplessly off course? Don’t panic! Successful people know that just because the HOW, WHEN, and WHAT of Goals may change, doesn’t mean the GOAL disappears or loses its integrity. Allowing our strategies to flex and morph to fit current needs is not a failure in anyway. You can only make decisions and goals based on what you know at the time. Six months ago, you had less information about yourself, about your circumstances, and about your tribe than you do now. These past six months have informed you, educated you and prepared you to make the adjustments your goals need for success.
One goal I made at the beginning of the year was to race in the Iron Girl Seattle Triathlon. I’m not a racer, runner, swimmer or contender of any kind, so this was a pretty hefty challenge. With wet suit in hand, new tires on my college bike, and hundreds of hours on the trail and in the pool, I’m on track to meet my goal this August. This is a goal that is well within my sites.

But that is not the case for every goal I set in January. I walked away from the radio show I hosted, and I’m counseling fewer hours than I initially planned. I had to make severe cuts (ok, more like rip, thrash and set fire) to the goals I set 6 months ago because new circumstances, new opportunities, and new information came along. If you’ve had to slash some of your dreams and goals, don’t worry, you’re still on track- or at least close enough to get back on. Goals are mile markers on a map- they are not the final destination, and they are yours to do with what you need. Change them, Specify them, Shelf them, Laser-Beam Focus on them- whatever you need to do to make them work for you. You’re the boss of your goals.

It’s ok to be flexible and make adjustments to the WHAT, WHEN, and HOW of your goals. If you must let some go completely, be sure to boil them down to the essence before you do. That way, you’ll be able to keep the HEART of why you made that goal in the first place.

Here are some things to keep in mind as you re-evaluate, readjust and refocus on your 2013 GOALS.

Name the value. What are some of your biggest values? Off the top of your head, what are the things in life that you care most deeply about? Is it family, education, faith, community service? Where does health and personal growth fit into your value system? If you say that personal growth is a value of yours you leave little time or investment for it, then spend some time reevaluating the priority of your values.
Name the specific goal. It may be tempting to shoot first several goals that you want in the next year, but it is most realistic to pick one or two. Instead of hoping for the ideal, let’s shoot for the real. What are the top two goals that you’d like to accomplish this year? Ask yourself these questions; what value will accomplishing this goal add to your life? Why is this goal important to you? How will achieving this goal change your life for the better?
Name the behaviors needed to reach your goal. What specific actions do you need to take? To reach my goals, for example, I’ll need to schedule one hour in every work day to focus my energy on my specific goal. This will take time, financial investment, and energy. I will not reach my goal if I wait for my schedule to allow for enough time to work on my goal. I must be proactive to schedule a time for myself. I must dictate my calendar, instead of my calendar dictating to me.
Name the outcome measure. How will you know when you’ve reached your goal? When evaluating your outcome measures, be sure to set smaller goals that turn into bigger goals. Progress is a series of small increments toward the desired outcome. Each increment of progress is worthwhile and necessary.
Name your threat. What are the things that will get you off course? Here are some common ones; fear of failure, lack of financial investment, lack of time investment, lack of support, distractions, and insecurities. You may be tempted to use your time and money for others sayings instead of your goal. You may be tempted to settle for the good, instead of reaching the best. Recognize the threats that will keep you from accomplishing your goals, and plan for them.

What goals have you adjusted? I’d love to hear about them. What goals have you scrapped all together? Which ones are you still working on, and what do you need to be successful?