Posts Tagged: intimacy

Getting to Closeness: Intimacy Part III

Posted August 9th, 2018 | Michelle Hollomon

Keeping a marriage together, close and happy is the goal, but not always easy. If you are not feeling as close as you want to, and you feel like you’ve tried to improve closeness before with few results, you might start to feel helpless. However, you have more power to turn things around than you think.

I often tell my clients that relationships are a system- a change at any level of the system changes the whole system. Like a car engine, if we change out the battery, or the air filters, that change is going to affect the efficiency and performance of the whole engine. The key to changing the system is to find the pieces that are malfunctioning inside of yourself, before you go trying to fix the other person.

Closeness in a relationship starts with you. If your marriage is committed and safe, but distant, look at the following chart to find the pieces inside yourself that you can change for healthy functioning.

pic Capture1 Need more in depth help to get to healthy emotional intimacy? Here is a resource designed to help achieve healthier intimacy in relationships.

Click here for more information on how to have healthy relationships.

This is Risky Business: How to Improve Intimacy Part II

Posted August 2nd, 2018 | Michelle Hollomon

Do you ever find yourself feeling alone even when you’re surrounded by people? Do you feel like you’re doing life by yourself, even though you’re married? Even couples who have been together a long time, might still complain that they just don’t feel that close. The missing ingredient is INTIMACY. If you are single or married, understanding what INTIMACY is and why everyone needs it, will help you with all of your relationships.

Even though Sexual Intimacy gets a lot of air time, there are actually several different types of intimacy that contribute to relationship happiness. Today, in Part 2, we will talk about the different types of intimacy and what you can do TODAY to improve your intimacy with yourself, with God and the important people in your life.

Intimacy is Risky Business

Many people are initially afraid of getting close to people because of fear of judgment or rejection. People use various tactics to keep people at a distance, like being “too busy” or being “too different” but these are excuses to avoid the scary risk of getting close. Here are some different types of intimacy with their inherent level of risk.

Types of Intimacy

Intellectual Intimacy is feeling bonded over intellectual ideas, work or creativity. It occurs when people work closely together on a project researching ideas, solutions and presentations. You may share intellectual intimacy with your partner, co-workers, co-creators, research team, or political party group. LOW RISK

Recreation Intimacy is experienced by those who engage in physical and mutually enjoyed activities. People who hike, knit, ski, or play tennis together connect with one another through interests and physical activities. LOW RISK

Spiritual Intimacy is best explained by the sharing of same or similar faith or belief system. In Christianity, scripture describes spiritual intimacy a binding together of all believers through the Holy Spirit’s truth, power, and unifying force of love. Activities like prayer, bible reading, meditation, acts of service enhance the shared belief system and bring an assurance of mutual acceptance. MEDIUM RISK

Sexual Intimacy is fully experienced between married couples in the presence of safety, trust, love and commitment. It involves the physical act and responses of sexual partners leading to feelings of love, warmth, closeness and attachment. HIGH RISK

Emotional Intimacy is the bonding through shared feelings. You may feel emotionally connected to any person that shares fears, hopes, weaknesses or jubilation. Emotional Intimacy is also experienced when you feel heard, validated or comforted through pain. HIGH RISK

You and Intimacy

You may find that you share different types of intimacy with different types of people. You may connect closely with a person at work over intellectual concepts, but share no recreation intimacy at all. Close friends overlap on many intimacy levels. Couples who report being happy and loving will usually share all the Intimacy Types at some capacity. They find each other intellectually stimulating, spiritually aligned, with compatible interests and activities and sexually attracted and active.

In my work with couples, I’ve found that Emotional Intimacy is the hardest to achieve in marriages because each partner is often responsible for causing emotional pain to the other. If emotional intimacy is off, then sexual intimacy is often negatively affected as well. For the last 4 years, I’ve been working on a book that peels away the obstacles couples face that inhibit healthy emotional intimacy.

Recently, I’ve blogged a lot about the physical and psychological abuse that is present within couples relationship, and how to get help to stop this destructive pattern. I call these the USER and ABSUER relationships. Couples in destructive relationships often have a high level of emotional reactions and intensity, but lack true emotional intimacy.

For the next few weeks, I will be focusing more on what I call LOSER relationships. No, I’m not talking about the “couch potato” husband or the “Soap Opera and bon bons” wife. I’m talking about the couples that LOSE OUT on true intimacy with one another. The three big obstacles to Emotional Intimacy are Fear Issues, Control Issues, and Trust Issues. We will walk through all three of this in the coming weeks in order to help you improve your intimacy in your relationships. Check out this resource if you want to go more in depth. This book will take you step by step into getting the love you want, and avoiding the rest.

Click here for more information on how to have healthy relationships.

Intimacy Unwrapped: How to Improve Intimacy in Your Relationships Part I

Posted July 27th, 2018 | Michelle Hollomon

Good morning to the Bright and Shining People of the world! I’m pleased as punch that you are joining me this morning.

Have any of you struggled with intimacy in your relationships? (Why did the guys just get more interested?) Maybe you wonder if you lack in emotional or sexual compatibility? Maybe you carry around a lot of pain due to being hurt by someone you trusted.

True Intimacy is being seen, known and unconditionally loved. It is the strength of self, surrendering to the safety of another, without fear of being abandoned or controlled.

The Problem with Intimacy

We all, at some level, are afraid of intimacy. Intimacy requires a depth of vulnerability that most resist. We feel self-conscious and silly. We feel weak, exposed and needy. What if we are truly seen, but then seen as “less than?” What if we are truly known, but known as “nothing special?” And what if we make ourselves vulnerable and trusting, only to be controlled or abandoned?

You can see the flow, right? If they truly see the real me, I will undoubtedly disappoint them. And if they know the deep things in my life, (my weaknesses or shame or the ugly underside) then they surely will not stay. And if I am vulnerable to the point of being seen and known, then rejection is likely, if not guaranteed, and I will be more lost, more lonely, and more afraid than I was to begin with.

Often, these are not formulated thoughts of which we are conscious. These are buried beliefs informed by past experiences dating back to infanthood. Becoming aware of these buried fears enlighten us to our blind spots and give us more power to overcome them.

What if he/she isn’t Safe for Me?

This is a real pickle, people. Every step toward intimacy requires risk taking. Sometimes you don’t know if the other person is an emotionally safe person to share with, until you actually share. Sometimes you have to put your heart out there in faith- with no guarantee that you will get it back in one piece. Sometimes you just won’t know if the other person is able to, worthy of, or ready for the intimate sharing of your deepest darkest.

Let your inner People Picker weed out safe and unsafe people. Remember this Key Formula: (WORDS + ACTIONS) x TIME = SAFE PERSON. This just means that what a person says and does must match and be consistent, over the course of time, to determine his/her trustworthiness. If the words and the actions don’t match, and behavior is unpredictable over time, this is not a safe person to trust your intimacy with.

Intimacy Builds on Itself

Once you’ve determined that your inner People Picker has trusted a safe person, you can give yourself permission to try a little more intimacy. Here are some steps to increase emotional intimacy in your relationships.

Structured Exercises: Small Groups, Support Groups, Bible Study, Marriage Groups, Retreats, Work-out Groups, etc. offer a structured and guided opportunity to help people engage in shared experience, spirituality, and growth together.
Marriage Counseling: Facilitated and mediated communication can help improve a couples’ ability to truly hear one another, problem solve and draw closer in a safe environment.
Consistent Meet Ups: Whether you’re seeking intimacy with your spouse or your friends, putting something on the calendar with some frequency is a pro-active way to prioritize intimacy in your relationships.
Daily Devotionals: Spending quiet time each day with yourself and with God is paramount in keeping yourself centered, focused and open to closeness with others. When you feel safe and confident with yourself, you will be more able to take intimacy risks with others.

Let me know what steps you are taking to increase your intimacy quotient with yourself and with others. Check out my new book if you want to dig a little deeper. It will help you explore your relationship hang-ups and make a plan to get the love and intimacy you want.

Click here for more information on how to have healthy relationships.

Living Alone in a Marriage for Built for Two

Posted January 19th, 2018 | Michelle Hollomon

Intimacy is something we all want and need, but it is often the last thing we prioritize in our busy lives. Marriage partners often feel more like passing ships in the night, than two loving friends and partners. Many couples’ mantra is “Divide and conquer,” not “One for all, and all for one.” Given the busy and complicated lives we live, some dedicated time to improve marriage intimacy is time well spent.

True Intimacy between friend or spouse is: sharing your experience with him/her without fearing judgement or rejection, and sharing his/her experience without judging or trying to change/fix him/her. You are able to accept your friend fully even if she is very different with a very different experience of your relationship. You are able to share deeply with your spouse without fear of being judged for your feelings. You are able to listen to your spouse’s feelings and experience without trying to change him. You feel seen, known and unconditionally accepted.

If your marriage is emotionally distant or lonely, ask yourself some of these questions:

would you rather “be right” or “be loved”?
do you have trouble admitting you’re wrong for fear of looking foolish, weak, ignorant or bad?
do you avoid opening up to your partner for fear of being judged?
do you avoid closeness with your partner because of past loss in your life?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, then you probably stand in your own way of true and meaningful intimacy in your marriage. To be truly seen, known and accepted doesn’t just happen without insight and effort.

Steps to Achieve True Intimacy in Relationships

1. First, offer this kind of love to yourself. You won’t be able to love someone intimately until you’ve offered intimate love to yourself. For me, this means coming to God and accepting his unconditional love in the face of mistakes, failures and shortcomings. At the time I want to most deny, lie about or hide from my mistake, I try to turn to God instead. When I know that I am accepted and loved no matter what, I am able to offer myself this same kind of love and forgiveness. God’s love changes me. This is intimacy with the self- seeing myself as valuable, knowing the truth about myself, and loving myself unconditionally. You know- just the way God does.

2. Second, Show Up to Your Relationships. Intimacy requires vulnerability. It requires that we show up fully, exposed and real, to the people in our lives. It means instead of using sarcasm, criticism or nagging, we use wholehearted language with our friends or spouse telling them exactly what we want. Instead of, “Oh look who finally decided to come home,” we say, “I missed you today, I want to spend time with you.” Instead of passive-aggressively running the other way in an argument, we get to the heart of the matter and resolve it with compassion. Instead of picking fights and criticizing our spouse’s faults, we share our feelings with vulnerability and strength.

3. Thirdly, Take A Risk Even When There’s No Guarantee It Will Pay Off. Being vulnerable is risky business. Seeking intimacy with others is risky, too. It truly is Walking by Faith. You don’t know if your partner will return your vulnerability. You don’t know if showing up to your life will bring criticism or judgement. You don’t know if your efforts toward greater intimacy will backfire. That is the Faith Walk- going where Love calls you to go, even when there is no guarantee that it will work. Your friend or spouse may abandon you still. She may not join you in this level of intimacy and may choose a different direction. That hurts, but it’s ok, because you’re going to be ok. When you are abandoned or feeling rejected, God doesn’t abandon you, and you won’t abandon yourself.

How to Be Your Own Best Friend: Especially When Loneliness is Knocking

Posted February 3rd, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Hello to the Best People on Earth. I’m so happy you joined me today to talk about intimacy with The Self. For the last three weeks, we’ve been discussing how to nurture intimacy in your relationships. Intimacy is often intimidating because it requires risk, self- disclosure and willingness to feel vulnerable. Humans don’t naturally like these things. Intimacy takes courage.

But what about intimacy with yourself? What if you’re alone in your house. No one is calling. No one is texting. It’s Friday night and loneliness settles over you like a dark fog? Or what if the discord in your family relationships is so thick that even though you’re in a house full of people, you still feel shut out?

Loneliness is a depression trigger. If loneliness starts to settle in to your every day life, depression might be hot on its tail, leaving sad and sleepless nights in its wake. Loneliness speaks. It says things like, “What’s wrong with you? Everyone else has someone but you,” and “Other happy families are going places and doing things together, and “You missed the boat. Your chance at relationship happiness is over.”

Loneliness needs a muzzle, don’t you think? These kind of thoughts are no bueno because they are grossly exaggerated, they lack evidence, and they are just unproductive.

Here are some ways to cultivate intimacy with yourself, thereby muzzling the criticism of loneliness.

Don’t Abandon Yourself. Just because you are alone, doesn’t mean you have to be lonely. You are not BY YOURSELF, as much as you are WITH YOURSELF. Re-frame the way you see alone-ness. Frame it positively instead of negatively. View your alone time as an opportunity not afforded to all, to meditate, to dig deeper, to think through, to curiously research, to formulate ideas and put them into practice- to mine the gold of your own soul.
Do What You Want: Alone time gives you the opportunity to explore, experiment, practice and create what you really want to do. Find out what you like and get really good at it. practice it, work at it, master it.
Take a Risk: the fact is, you need other people, and other people need you. Invest yourself in a group of people who care about you. I believe that the best groups are structured groups. I learned a few years ago, that unless I structured my time to see my friends, I would never see them. I joined the groups they lead, the classes they taught and the teams they were on. Yes, I went to PTA meetings I didn’t want to go to, and I cycled through SPIN class I cursed myself for trying, and I looked idiotic at Zumba- but, heck I was with my friends! Which was the whole point. Take a risk, and find a structured environment that nurtures friendship. Invest your time and heart into these environments and they will pay you back in big ways.

My brother and sister were 10 and 12 years older than me. By the age of 7, I was raised as an only child with two working parents. I spent a lot of time alone and there are still times, though surrounded by loving Mr. Dashing, Sweet and Sassy and the neediest dog on earth, my past gets triggered. My one constant from childhood till now, is my faith in Christ. I often feel God’s presence in the sunset, a favorite poem or the humming bird that visits the porch.

Intimacy with the Self is a life long goal and can be practiced when we feel most alone.

Posts Tagged: intimacy

Getting to Closeness: Intimacy Part III