Posts Tagged: rejection

When Someone Does You Wrong

Good morning to all the Super Bowl Winners, Football Haters, Valentine’s Day Protesters and Googly-Eyed-Love-Birds! Today we will be talking about What To Do When Someone Does You Wrong.

Like the guy who lead you on and then didn’t respond when you asked him out.

Like the guy you were dating for years expecting a proposal that never came.

Like the person who anonymously logged a complaint against you without coming to you first.

Like the person who cheated on you and wants to take the kids on vacation with the person they cheated with.

Like the boss that implied you’d be the next one promoted right before you were laid off.

You know what it feels like to get hurt, rejected, left behind and lied to. You know what it feels like to be the “first to say sorry,” and the “last to know.” These things hurt. People hurt people, and when you’re in the middle of feeling abandoned or hijacked, you start to lose your confidence.

You wonder, “What did I do to deserve this,” and “What could I have done differently to avoid this,” and “what was he thinking,” and “How could she?” These are questions that leave us feeling powerless. They do us NO GOOD. In the middle of our pain, we analyze our short comings and their intentions to death. 

The brain loves resolution. It’s a constant problem solver. Think of the brain like a master puzzler, working tirelessly until all the pieces fit to make a complete picture. The brain won’t stop working until the puzzle makes sense. That’s why it wakes you up in the middle of the night, and interrupts your work day with memories, and stops you mid-sentence with its obsessions. It craves resolution. And when you don’t have answers to WHY THE BAD THING HAPPENED, it just keeps puzzling. Enter stage right- SELF DOUBT, SHAME, and FEAR. 

Self doubt, shame and fear all too gladly will answer your brain’s puzzling questions with, “You were such a fool to believe him,” and “You should have known better,” and “You’re doomed to be alone forever,” and “This is how it always turns out,” and “There must be something wrong with you.”


Exit SELF DOUBT, SHAME, and FEAR. Their parts have been cut. There’s a new sheriff in town! and it’s called Love.

Love says, “You’re going to be ok,” and “You’ve done hard things before,  you can do hard things again,” and “You’re never alone,” and “Though they hurt you, they do not define you,” and “You are not a victim, you are an Over Comer.”

One way to get LOVE mobilized in your life is to let love speak.

Come on, just let it come out.

Love advocates for justice. Love tells the truth. Love casts out all fear. Love redeems what is lost. Answer your brain’s puzzling with some solid answers. I find it is helpful to write these things down in a journal, address them to the person who hurt you, or shout them in a closet. It’s inadvisable to speak your mind to the person who directly hurt you, unless you have very specific conditions (we can talk about this in another blog.) It’s more important to express yourself FOR YOURSELF. It’s not really for the other person as much as it is for you. 

One of my friends went out on his boat in the middle of a quiet lake and shouted unfiltered thoughts and feelings until they were released. Your Love statements may sound something like this,

I didn’t deserve that treatment.

Your betrayal has nothing to do with me.

Your anger (choices, abuse, addiction) is not my fault.

I am for cherishing, for nurturing and for respecting.

I will not take on your judgment any more.

How sad that you missed the opportunity to really know me.

How sad that you gave up the chance to work together.

I am loved.

You may need to practice these statements until you get a sense of relief. Your brain will tell you when it’s puzzled is solved. If it’s not solved with exercises like these, then, talk to your counselor about it- there may be some unresolved trauma that got stuck.

Each of us have to navigate through rejection, betrayal, loss and grief. Sharing these experiences together with God’s help, makes us stronger and more resilient. You got this!

Six Steps to Get Over Rejection Quicker

When you’re at soccer practice but none of the other moms are talking to you.

When you find out you didn’t get selected for that job.

When you find porn sites on your husband’s computer.

When you find texts on your wife’s phone from another man.

When you’re single and everybody in the entire universe is married.

When the people you love and count on the most let you down.

Rejection is that dark and sinking feeling that you being you is just not enough. That if you were somehow better, smarter, more interesting, thinner, funnier, more popular, then this kind of rejection wouldn’t happen. That if you were more like someone else and less like you, then you’d be much better off. You start to believe that there must be something wrong with you because all those perfect people out there don’t feel this way.

Rejection. Rejection is what you feel when you show up to your life but the people around you don’t receive you the way you wanted. We all feel it in varying intensity at different times in our lives. No one is immune to it, but some people handle it in resilient ways.  Here are Six Resilient ways to handle the inevitable rejections in your life.

1. Don’t Take it Personally. You may be tempted to become very egocentric and make the rejection all about you. You may try to make sense of the rejection by thinking of all the ways you just don’t measure up. By doing this, you sink further and further into yourself, closing yourself off from helpful reality.

2. Face Reality. Reality will inform you that there are many variables that affect your circumstances and subsequent rejection feelings. Other people’s needs, hang ups, expectations, and behaviors are often influenced by other things than just you. Do you have a part to play in their rejection? Maybe. But be realistic about owning your part, and not theirs.

3. Take Some Personal Time. People who recover from rejection quickly prioritize their personal time to get their thoughts and feelings working for them instead of against them. Maybe you need to journal, or go for a long run, or go for a long drive with your music turned up. Maybe you pray or write a letter to yourself. In essence, you are being your own best friend when you need a best friend the most. Personally, I believe this is the time that God gets to show up as your best friend too.

4. Make a Plan. Rejection can immobilize and de-motivate you, but it is important not to let it. Doing nothing often steals your power. But making a plan gives you your power back. Do you want to acquire more skills, get healthy, reinvent yourself, find a supportive group of friends, start dating, change your dating profile, update your resume, change directions? This is an opportunity for you to figure out what you really want and make a plan to get it.

5. Don’t Reject Yourself. When you feel rejected, you may rehearse all the reasons why you were rejected. Of course, these are all conjectures and assumptions, but none the less, you are tempted to nurse them, sulk and feel down about yourself. Don’t. Just because you have been rejected, don’t worsen the injury by rejecting yourself too. Say, “I feel bad and rejected, and maybe humiliated too. I’ll be damned if I do that to myself. I’m going to learn from this, hold my head high, and not let this turn me into a victim.”

6. Don’t Keep Knocking on Closed Doors. Sometimes, you may find yourself trying and trying and trying to fit in with the wrong crowd, getting the wrong guys to like you, working at a job that’s not a good fit, or getting an abandoning person to stay. It may be time to let go, and try something that is a better fit for you. Don’t work harder at trying to meet other people’s expectations than you work at meeting your own.

Rejection has the power to make you bitter or better, sadder or stronger. You chose you.

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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