My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

Subscribe to our mailing list

How to Have a Better Argument

Have you ever been in an argument with someone you love where the end result was worse than the thing you were actually fighting about? Maybe there is a stale mate, or the silent treatment, or maybe no resolution at all. Relationships can only exist if they can navigate differences inherent in the relationship. If the relationship can’t navigate, resolve, synergize the differences among the people involved, it languishes and dissolves. Simply stated, we either work together, or we don’t.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

There are a few simple rules I like to employ when resolving conflict well.

  1. It’s the Process, not the Content. Most people who engage in relationship have a sense of shared values and goals. Relationships with shared values and goals usually don’t get caught up in the content of disagreement as much as the way its being carried out. For example, a married couple both value their children’s well being in general (content) but disagree on how (process) their well being is achieved. If the couple can see the shared value that binds them together, they can more easily navigate the execution of that value. When we believe that we have more in common (our values and goals) than not, we get creative about how to meet those values and goals together. The process of resolving conflict is a necessary means toward intimacy, growth and togetherness. Doing it well makes you feel more together.
  2. Face the Conflict Together. People often feel like the conflict is between two parties as in us vs. them. We are the good, the right, the reasonable and they are the bad, the wrong, and off. But a better way to look at conflict is us together vs. the conflict. As if saying to your partner, “it’s you and me together baby, with a problem to solve.” The trouble is when we view the other person as the problem. We say or think things like, “If he would only change,” or “she’s the one who starts fighting,” or “I’m not the one with the problem, they are.” These kind of thoughts or statements put us in one corner of the boxing ring, glaring at the other person in the other corner. Then we duke it out to see who is left standing. The better way is to see conflict resolution as two scientists curing cancer. The cancer is there under our microscope, and we have to come up with some treatments to cure it.
  3. Say the Things Left Unsaid. When people argue in relationships, its usually over things that touch a nerve. All conflicts can be boiled down to their essence. Want to sit in my seat for a minute? Psycho-analyze the next few statements, and I’ll give you my conclusions too.
  • When you hear her complaining about him not doing enough around the house, what is really going on underneath? If you guessed abandonment feelings, you’re right! She feels all alone in the marriage when she cooks, cleans, puts the kids to bed by herself. She feels abandoned.
  • When you hear him complaining that she is never satisfied and nothing he does is ever enough, what is really going on? If you guessed significance issues, you’re right! Underneath those statements, he really feels insignificant and inadequate.
  • When you hear her complain about him spending too much money, what is she really saying? If you said security and safety, you’re right! (you’re so smart!) What she is really saying is, “I am terrified that I will not be safe and secure financially.”
  • When you hear him complain about her babying the children too much, what is really going on? Abandonment again. He is afraid that she will attach to the children more than him, leaving him alone and unloved.

The presenting issue is never the real issue, it’s always the soft underbelly of people’s vulnerabilities that are really the issue. Naming these things can help each have compassion for the other.

 

4. Soul Search. As we see in the examples above, the deep roots of pain usually have something to do with feeling insignificant, feeling alone and unloved, or feeling controlled and abused. These are often fueled by wounds from the past, and are largely unconscious. We think we are fighting about the kids, or the chores, or the money. But really we are fighting about our fears of abandonment, insignificance and being controlled. You may be tempted to identify your partner’s core fears and focus on those. Don’t. That’s not your job. Instead, focus on your core fears. Identify them, attend to them and make a plan to heal them. When you acknowledge and attend to your own needs, you will feel more empowered, less sensitive or triggered, and more in control.

5. Seek Intimacy. Ready for the hardest part? Once you’ve identified your fears and insecurities, and when you feel safe doing so, share them with your partner. Nothing disarms an arsenal of firepower more than vulnerability. Saying something like, “Ya know when I got angry about the credit card? What was really happening for me, was that I felt really scared and out of control. I felt unimportant and small.” After you share this, you give your partner the opportunity to empathize with you instead of defend his/her actions. It puts you on the same side again. It identifies the problem as fear, not the other person.

6. Know When to Cut Your Losses. I feel like I need to add this one, because some of you have been at this conflict resolution thing for a long time with few or no results. What if the other person in the relationship is not committed to this process, is not willing to Soul Search, is not willing to problem solve or be on the same team? It’s important to know when enough is enough, and to realize you can’t fix a broken relationship by yourself. It takes two. You are responsible to be respectful and to be loving, but you are not required to overlook bad behavior, put up with abuse of any kind or to do the other person’s job for them.

NEED MORE?

If you need a more in depth resource for achieving intimacy, resolving conflict and having happier relationships, check out my book . It is full of examples, stories, and strategies to help you become a healthier, happier you.

If you’re in the Seattle area, there is a great workshop I’d like you to know about. The name of this two day conference is “Is Childhood Trauma Intruding into Your Relationships?” Discover the Fullness of Joy You Are Create to Experience with keynote speakers, Dr. Bill & Pamela Ronzheimer, Marriage Reconstruction Ministries. I’ll be there too! Click Here for more information.

Getting to Closeness: Intimacy Part III

Keeping a marriage together, close and happy is the goal, but not always easy. If you are not feeling as close as you want to, and you feel like you’ve tried to improve closeness before with few results, you might start to feel helpless. However, you have more power to turn things around than you think.

I often tell my clients that relationships are a system- a change at any level of the system changes the whole system. Like a car engine, if we change out the battery, or the air filters, that change is going to affect the efficiency and performance of the whole engine. The key to changing the system is to find the pieces that are malfunctioning inside of yourself, before you go trying to fix the other person.

Closeness in a relationship starts with you. If your marriage is committed and safe, but distant, look at the following chart to find the pieces inside yourself that you can change for healthy functioning.

picCapture1Need more in depth help to get to healthy emotional intimacy? Here is a resource designed to help achieve healthier intimacy in relationships.

This is Risky Business: How to Improve Intimacy Part II

Do you ever find yourself feeling alone even when you’re surrounded by people? Do you feel like you’re doing life by yourself, even though you’re married? Even couples who have been together a long time, might still complain that they just don’t feel that close. The missing ingredient is INTIMACY. If you are single or married, understanding what INTIMACY is and why everyone needs it, will help you with all of your relationships.

Even though Sexual Intimacy gets a lot of air time, there are actually several different types of intimacy that contribute to relationship happiness. Today, in Part 2, we will talk about the different types of intimacy and what you can do TODAY to improve your intimacy with yourself, with God and the important people in your life.

Intimacy is Risky Business

Many people are initially afraid of getting close to people because of fear of judgment or rejection. People use various tactics to keep people at a distance, like being “too busy” or being “too different” but these are excuses to avoid the scary risk of getting close. Here are some different types of intimacy with their inherent level of risk.

pair_of_pears

Types of Intimacy

Intellectual Intimacy is feeling bonded over intellectual ideas, work or creativity. It occurs when people work closely together on a project researching ideas, solutions and presentations. You may share intellectual intimacy with your partner, co-workers, co-creators, research team, or political party group. LOW RISK

Recreation Intimacy is experienced by those who engage in physical and mutually enjoyed activities. People who hike, knit, ski, or play tennis together connect with one another through interests and physical activities. LOW RISK

Spiritual Intimacy is best explained by the sharing of same or similar faith or belief system. In Christianity, scripture describes spiritual intimacy a binding together of all believers through the Holy Spirit’s truth, power, and unifying force of love. Activities like prayer, bible reading, meditation, acts of service enhance the shared belief system and bring an assurance of mutual acceptance. MEDIUM RISK

Sexual Intimacy is fully experienced between married couples in the presence of safety, trust, love and commitment. It involves the physical act and responses of sexual partners leading to feelings of love, warmth, closeness and attachment. HIGH RISK

Emotional Intimacy is the bonding through shared feelings. You may feel emotionally connected to any person that shares fears, hopes, weaknesses or jubilation. Emotional Intimacy is also experienced when you feel heard, validated or comforted through pain. HIGH RISK

 You and Intimacy

You may find that you share different types of intimacy with different types of people. You may connect closely with a person at work over intellectual concepts, but share no recreation intimacy at all. Close friends overlap on many intimacy levels. Couples who report being happy and loving will usually share all the Intimacy Types at some capacity. They find each other intellectually stimulating, spiritually aligned, with compatible interests and activities and sexually attracted and active.

In my work with couples, I’ve found that Emotional Intimacy is the hardest to achieve in marriages because each partner is often responsible for causing emotional pain to the other. If emotional intimacy is off, then sexual intimacy is often negatively affected as well. For the last 4 years, I’ve been working on a book that peels away the obstacles couples face that inhibit healthy emotional intimacy.

Recently, I’ve blogged a lot about the physical and psychological abuse that is present within couples relationship, and how to get help to stop this destructive pattern. I call these the USER and ABSUER relationships. Couples in destructive relationships often have a high level of emotional reactions and intensity, but lack true emotional intimacy.

relationship_loser

For the next few weeks, I will be focusing more on what I call LOSER relationships. No, I’m not talking about the “couch potato” husband or the “Soap Opera and bon bons” wife. I’m talking about the couples that LOSE OUT on true intimacy with one another. The three big obstacles to Emotional Intimacy are Fear Issues, Control Issues, and Trust Issues. We will walk through all three of this in the coming weeks in order to help you improve your intimacy in your relationships. Check out this resource if you want to go more in depth. This book will take you step by step into getting the love you want, and avoiding the rest.

Click here for more information on how to have healthy relationships.

 

 

Intimacy Unwrapped: How to Improve Intimacy in Your Relationships Part I

Good morning to the Bright and Shining People of the world! I’m pleased as punch that you are joining me this morning.

Have any of you struggled with intimacy in your relationships? (Why did the guys just get more interested?)  Maybe you wonder if you lack in emotional or sexual compatibility? Maybe you carry around a lot of pain due to being hurt by someone you trusted.

 True Intimacy is being seen, known and unconditionally loved. It is the strength of self, surrendering to the safety of another, without fear of being abandoned or controlled. 

happy couple millinials

The Problem with Intimacy

We all, at some level, are afraid of intimacy. Intimacy requires a depth of vulnerability that most resist. We feel self-conscious and silly. We feel weak, exposed and needy. What if we are truly seen, but then seen as “less than?” What if we are truly known, but known as “nothing special?” And what if we make ourselves vulnerable and trusting, only to be controlled or abandoned?

You can see the flow, right? If they truly see the real me, I will undoubtedly disappoint them. And if they know the deep things in my life, (my weaknesses or shame or the ugly underside) then they surely will not stay. And if I am vulnerable to the point of being seen and known, then rejection is likely, if not guaranteed, and I will be more lost, more lonely, and more afraid than I was to begin with.

Often, these are not formulated thoughts of which we are conscious. These are buried beliefs informed by past experiences dating back to infanthood. Becoming aware of these buried fears enlighten us to our blind spots and give us more power to overcome them.

butchart-japanese-garden

What if he/she isn’t Safe for Me?

This is a real pickle, people. Every step toward intimacy requires risk taking. Sometimes you don’t know if the other person is an emotionally safe person to share with, until you actually share. Sometimes you have to put your heart out there in faith- with no guarantee that you will get it back in one piece. Sometimes you just won’t know if the other person is able to, worthy of, or ready for the intimate sharing of your deepest darkest.

Let your inner People Picker weed out safe and unsafe people. Remember this Key Formula: (WORDS + ACTIONS) x TIME = SAFE PERSON. This just means that what a person says and does must match and be consistent, over the course of time, to determine his/her trustworthiness. If the words and the actions don’t match, and behavior is unpredictable over time, this is not a safe person to trust your intimacy with.

Intimacy Builds on Itself

Once you’ve determined that your inner People Picker has trusted a safe person, you can give yourself permission to try a little more intimacy. Here are some steps to increase emotional intimacy in your relationships.

  • Structured Exercises: Small Groups, Support Groups, Bible Study, Marriage Groups, Retreats, Work-out Groups, etc. offer a structured and guided opportunity to help people engage in shared experience, spirituality, and growth together.
  • Marriage Counseling: Facilitated and mediated communication can help improve a couples’ ability to truly hear one another, problem solve and draw closer in a safe environment.
  • Consistent Meet Ups: Whether you’re seeking intimacy with your spouse or your friends, putting something on the calendar with some frequency is a pro-active way to prioritize intimacy in your relationships.
  • Daily Devotionals: Spending quiet time each day with yourself and with God is paramount in keeping yourself centered, focused and open to closeness with others. When you feel safe and confident with yourself, you will be more able to take intimacy risks with others.

Let me know what steps you are taking to increase your intimacy quotient with yourself and with others. Check out my new book if you want to dig a little deeper. It will help you explore your relationship hang-ups and make a plan to get the love and intimacy you want.

 

 

 

 

If You Can’t Change Them…

One of the most important skills I have learned in life, is letting go of trying to control other people’s emotions. Many people believe that they are responsible for other people’s feelings. They believe that they need to protect others from their feelings, change other’s feelings from bad to good, or control them completely. But I’ve found that this is an impossible task. One that leaves people feelings anxious, depressed and more stressed than they need to be. When people are raised to feel responsible for other people’s feelings, they may not know that they have the option to do otherwise.
Most people don’t recognize they are doing it. They don’t recognize that this codependent way of life is causing harm to themselves and others. Feeling responsible to make other people happy or ok is an unwinnable game.

So why do we try?

How do folks learn to be responsible for other people’s feelings? You may have been raised in a family where people convinced you that you were responsible for their well being. In a healthy family, a child is made responsible for things appropriate to their age and stage of development. A healthy family instills the acceptance of personal boundaries, and behavior respectful of others’ boundaries. However, in some less-than-healthy families, children are made responsible for things far beyond their control, resulting in their developing into adults with poor or no boundaries.

Examples

  • A father working on a broken car engine becomes angry with a stuck and rusted part wont budge. The child nearby playing in the sprinklers is yelled at and shamed when the splash reaches the father. The child leaves that interaction feeling like he did something to deserve the outrageous anger, even though the father’s anger has nothing to do with the boy. This child may either grow up being conflict avoidant or an angry person blaming others for his anger.
  • A mother struggling with depression feels abandoned by her husband.  In her grief, she looks to her daughter for comfort, communicating to the daughter that she is powerful enough to help her mother’s depression. But there’s a downside. When the daughter inevitably cannot sooth the mother’s depression, she will feel powerless, helpless and shame for not being a “helpful enough” daughter. This girl will likely grow up abandoning her own feelings in order to take care of everyone else’s feelings. She will not be able to address her own needs.
  • A daughter who sits secretively listening to her parent’s fighting intervenes just before it comes to blows. The father slams the door shut and the mother begins to cry, while the child tries to make her parent’s marriage better. The daughter grows up to believe she has the responsibility to mediate, to protect and to keep peace. This girl may grow up to believe that her role in life is to abandon her own needs, and keep other people from their painful feelings.

Is it Really OK to stop trying to make other people happy?

I know it’s hard, but you have to do it. Letting other people have, own and manage their own emotions is good for you and good for them. When you allow others to have their own feelings, you:

  1. empower them to self sooth and to learn self control.
  2. reinforce the necessary boundary between you and them.
  3. turn your attention back to yourself for greater self awareness.
  4. grow your ego strength.
  5. attend to your own needs and emotions…. yay!!! and sometimes for the first time in a long time!

Steps to letting go.

  • When you notice that the other person is experiencing a strong emotion like anger, fear or sadness, look inside yourself and see what you’re experiencing. Is it agitation, stress or compulsion? Is it dread, guilt, or fear? Is it a temptation to jump in to “fix it or make it better?” Or is it “Run! far far away!”  Notice what you’re feeling and make a quick plan to address it.
  • When someone is expressing their emotion (anger, fear, sadness, happiness) learn what it means to empathize without fixing or avoiding. this is not a skill learned easily or quickly, but it is a skill that can be learned. Say things to yourself like, “He is angry, and he can have his anger. I won’t try to talk him out of it. But I don’t have to fix it, control it, or excuse it.”
  • When you believe someone is “dumping” their feelings on you and wants you to fix them, you can practice saying things like, “that sounds so hard, I’m sorry you’re going through that. What are you going to do about it?” Once you ask this question, refrain from answering it for them or helping them solve their problem. Remember, it is for them to solve. (Yay! it’s not your responsibility!)

Letting other people have their own emotions is scary and freeing all at the same time. If you’re a mother, try it with your kids. If you’re a daughter or son, try it with your parent. Little by little, you will be the boss of your own emotions, and you’ll empower others to do the same. So, if you can’t change them (and you can’t) then let go. It feels way better.

 

 

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

Subscribe to our mailing list