Posts Categorized: Posts About Mojo

How do You Know if They are Telling the Truth?

Posted July 5th, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Many of you know that I teach communication classes at a local university, and one of my favorite subjects to teach is non-verbal communication. Oh my gosh! It’s so fun to teach students how to read body language. Studying the congruence between non-verbal and verbal cues can give you a real edge in identifying trustworthy people.

For instance, I recently sat down with a financial adviser with the intent of potentially hiring him to manage some funds. He looked at me with a dead pan face, and stony eyes and said, “I love my job.” I thought to myself, “Ya coulda fooled me!” I had the feeling that his non-verbals were telling me more than his verbals. 

How about you? Can you tell when someone is telling the truth?

How about when your employee tells you that he locked up the store before he left last night, but he is unusually shifting his attention to other things and avoiding your gaze? You wonder if there is more to the story than what he’s telling you.

Or how about the politician who wags his finger about not having “sex with that woman.” Are there some “tells” or some “signs” to alert us to whether a person is trustworthy and believable?

Each person carries around with them certain cues that alert others to their believability. Since each person is different, it’s impossible to list specific “tells” or cues that are generally true for everyone. Simply said, people lie differently. But a simple rule of thumb is to LOOK FOR CONGRUENCE.

Or how about this face?

Or how about this face?

CONGRUENCE

The word, Congruent means to agree or to equal. In math, two lines are congruent if they are equal lengths. They match. They mirror each other. So when you are wondering if someone is telling the truth, you may ask, “Do her words match with her facial expression and body language? Is he telling the same story with his body, face and actions that he is with his mouth? Does her face agree with her words?

This is a study in Integrity.

Integrity has the root word integer at its base, and integer means whole number. That means it can’t be split- it is whole and not duplicitous. Don’tcha love math?

When you run into someone who is duplicitous, split or in-congruent, and you are paying attention  (that’s key), you will see it. You will notice the slight “tells” or “signs” that something hidden is at play. Maybe it’s the way he shrugs his shoulders, or looks away or purses his lips. Maybe its the way she says one thing and does another. Something seems off. You don’t have to know what it is. You just have to know that it is.

I don’t have to know exactly why I don’t trust this potential financial adviser, I just have to accept that I don’t. When something doesn’t add up (get it? math pun), that’s enough for me to move on. Some of us look past our red flags, and intuitive gifts. Sometimes we make excuses for in-congruent people, or we work hard to look at their positive qualities. But reading people is a gift that we should not ignore.

What about US?

Sometimes, we can be less than authentic, too. Sometimes we can be split, by saying “yes” when we really mean “no.” Sometimes we will agree or keep quiet even though our insides are screaming, “NO!” Sometimes we can say “everything is fine,” when everything Is. Not. Fine.

It takes great courage to be the congruent person on the outside, that you know yourself to be on the inside. It takes courage to speak your mind with truth and respect. It takes faith to say “no” when you mean “no” and “yes” when you mean “yes” regardless of the consequences.

I believe that this kind of authenticity invokes God’s power. When we decide against all odds, and in the face of certain adversity, to be authentic- congruent- whole, we make sacred move toward God. We align with God’s love and power in that moment and His peace is unmistakably ours. It’s not just about telling the truth, it’s about living in it.

When we determine to be completely whole and aligned with the truth, we are able to recognize the in-authenticity in ourselves and others. Our vision becomes clear, and we can read non-verbals, body language and tell-tale signs. When we live authentically, we give others permission to do the same. There is so much freedom in this type of living. Cheers to you, and all your relationships!

Before There was Bing or Google…

Posted February 24th, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

…or the Bible App, there was My Little Scripture Book. Seventeen years ago, I was finishing graduate school, studying for my state board exam, and trying to convince myself that I knew what I was doing. As a Christian counselor, I recognized that the bible has a lot to say about depression and anxiety and relationships and… well… being a human, in general. It doesn’t give the answer to all of life’s troubles, but it does give solace and understanding. 

But, the bible, it turns out, is pretty darn big, and dense and full of tiny writing, so sometimes it’s hard to find stuff. 

Unless you have a mind like a steel trap and you can memorize bible addresses, in which case, you should be on the Bible Jeopardy show, if there was such a thing. But my mind has never been of the steel trap variety.

So I set out to create a handy dandy bible reference for easy topical look up. It was like a mini concordance, but for counselors. It was my home grown search engine. I’m not sure why Bible Gateway didn’t call me when they were creating their software, but anyway, their loss.

It turns out that I used it for ME, much more than I ever used it in a counseling session. My hours of work squished between those thin pages were a labor of love… to myself. When anxious, or depressed, or confused about parenting, those scriptures brought me peace and direction. When words meet you at a deep place of pain, they sprout and grow and root. Those words never go away. They are written on the walls of the heart, and there they stay permanently. 

So here is my little book. I just want to give my 27 year old self a hug, and say, “Thank you, 27 year old Michelle, for making that little book. You are a good gardener. You’ll be happy to know, that what you planted is still growing!” Then, I would take a styling brush and change the way she did her hair. 90’s hair was so weird.

What little gems have you given yourself over the years- gifts you’re thankful for? How have you seen God’s love intervene on the scene and give you just what you needed?

God’s Singular Message for Christmas: Advent Part III

Posted December 16th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

To the Fanciest Wrappers, the Festive-est Hall Deckers, and the Bargainest Shoppers- how are you? Are you crazy yet, or just teetering on the edge of crazy? It’s easy to get a little crazy this time of year because Expectations Outweigh Ability. Crazy expectations and crazy striving make for crazy feelings. This is the Advent season, so before you lose your ugly on somebody, consider the following:

Crazy originates out of fear- fear of the unknown, fear of disappointing people, fear of insufficiency, fear of rejection, fear of being controlled and fear of failure.

This advent season, I’ve been trying to put myself in the shoes of the original Christmas characters. What was it like to be Zechariah- an old priest unable to have a child. What was it like to be Mary- a pregnant unwed woman carrying the Savior of the World? Or Joseph- pledged to a woman who is carrying a son that is not his and responsible for keeping them safe? What was it like to be the Shepherds- the lowest class of citizen lonely on a hill?

“But the angel said to him: “Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard.”

— Luke 1:12

The characters in the original Christmas story felt the same feelings we feel. They knew what it felt like to be judged unworthy by the people around them. They knew the shame of inadequacy, and the sting of unanswered prayers. Like us, the people of Christmas knew loneliness and rejection and feeling out of the loop, on the outside, and not good enough to be in the “in crowd.” Lonely, sleepless nights spent worrying “why me,” and “what next,” were as common then as now.

But one message runs through the Christmas story like a river through a dry dessert, and that is “fear not.”

“Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God.”

— Luke 1:30

I’ve found that peace is not fear’s anecdote. No, love is. Love is fear’s opposite. Love is fear’s answer. So when strange or sad things happen to you like being infertile, ostracized, put-upon, misjudged, misunderstood- be sure to listen closely for God’s eternal message… “Don’t Be afraid.” When you read these words or hear them in your own heart, it’s God’s love message to you. He is saying, “You can’t meet everyone’s expectations, or even your own. But don’t be afraid, don’t be crazy, I love you.”

“Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. ”

— Luke 2:10

We can read the story of each character in the Christmas story with joy because we know how it ends. But they didn’t know how it ended. They had to go through the struggle of walking God’s path one step at a time until God fulfilled all of His promises to them. They had to leave the comforts of home. They had to travel to a far-off land without guarantee of provision. They had to get woken up in the middle of the night with God’s next direction. They had to hear from angels in order to know what to do next. 

“Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife…”

— Matthew 1:20

The message is the same today- Don’t be afraid.

Your prayers have been heard, you’ve found favor with God, there is good news- and it’s for everyone.

Just keep living your life, working your program, and sharing your stuff, 

Don’t be afraid.

 

 

Looking the Burden in the Eye and Calling it a Blessing: Advent Part II

Posted December 9th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

Have you ever got what you prayed for? Or have you ever got exactly the opposite of what you prayed for?  Sometimes I wonder if it’s not exactly the CONTENT of the prayers that do us good, as much as the ACT of praying itself. You know, the talking-to-God part, the asking-for-help part, the I-can’t-do-this-all-on-my-own part that helps us the most.

This time of the year, I like to put myself in Mary’s sandals.  I wonder what Mary prayed as she swayed on that donkey’s back from Nazareth to Bethlehem. I wonder what she prayed as she prepared to have her baby. I think I would have prayed things, like, “Lord, please let me get back to my mom before I have this baby,” and “Lord, please let Joseph find a job when we get back,” and “Lord, please make this baby healthy,” and “God, please don’t let it hurt too much,” and, “oh God, I’m really scared!”

But as her labor pains started, and she knew she’d have to give birth while on the journey, her prayers may have changed. Maybe they were, “God, please let a nice family take us in when we get to Bethlehem,” and “Lord, prepare us a warm, safe, clean place where my son can be born,” and “God, please let there be someone who knows what they are doing to help me deliver this baby,” and “Oh God, I just want a hot bath!”

When she prayed these prayers, do you think it ever crossed her mind that all the towns folk in Bethlehem would turn them down? That no one would open their door to a pregnant woman and tired man? That she would call a barn floor her nursery, her new husband her midwife, and lowing cattle her roommates? Do you think it ever crossed her mind that a feed trough would be her answer to the crib prayer, and an animal shelter the answer to her safe-warm-clean prayer? And bleating goats the answer to the nice-family prayer?

She must have been completely bewildered with God’s choice of provision- like He wasn’t even listening, or something. Like He didn’t even care. Like He didn’t even see.

Have you ever felt that way? When everything you hoped for, prayed for and dreamed of was  dashed in an instant and what was left was disappointment?

I suppose she could have focused on all of these things as a far cry from “provision.” She could have called them, “not good enough,” and “not clean enough,” and “not safe enough,” and “not ok.” I suppose she could have experienced God as distant and aloof, with a closed ear to her prayers. Maybe she wondered if she’d done something wrong, and God stopped listening. Or maybe she thought she mis-heard God’s direction.

I suppose Mary could have been devastated by the circumstances that took place- the circumstances that robbed her of her honeymoon, her reputation, her comfort, her safety, and her dreams of being a respectable mother and wife.

We don’t know if she had any of these thoughts and fears, but I can imagine she did because she was human- and that’s how humans roll. But Mary chose to see these events as necessary, these burdens as blessings, and these hardships as the pathway to salvation and peace. Mary made choices along her journey to see the miracle among the muck, and her calling in the struggle. After the birth, and the angels, and the shepherds and the star, Luke 2:19 said, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

What if all you need is right there in front of you? What if the provision is already yours, the deepest need has already been met, and the prayer is less about the WHAT and more about the WHO? What if, like Mary, we could be still with the mystery of HOW God provides and trust that He WILL provide?

 

 

Is It Worth It?

Posted November 10th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

Good morning everybody! Do you ever ask yourself, “Is it really WORTH it?” when it comes to some of the work you do? 

I’ve been reviewing all the things I do in my day/week/life and asking myself the question, “Is it WORTH it?” I wonder if you’ve asked yourself the same thing.

Here are the questions I am asking myself.

  • Are the results of my work WORTH the effort I put into it?
  • Is the work WORTH the time, worry, and emotional withdrawal?
  • Is the reward WORTH the cost?
  • Do I experience more BENEFIT than DEFICIT from the work that I do?
  • Why is it WORTH it to me, and am I the best person to do it?

These are the questions I’ve been asking myself in an effort to pair down the fluff. What activities are actually worth it to me to continue, and what activities need to be culled? What work is producing enough results to continue, and what work is languishing and needs to change or stop?

This morning, I took the Beasty for a walk, which may not sound like a big deal, but going for a walk around our neighborhood is a BIG deal. As in BIG hills, BIG commitment, and BIG effort.

Sometimes I feel like we live at base camp of Mt. Everest- anywhere you walk is either straight up or straight down. Seriously, if you visit me and park your car, you better hope your emergency brake works. If you drop your soccer ball or softball, kiss that rolling thing goodbye, because you’re never going to see it again. Taking out the trash bin (on wheels, btw) is an adventure all of its own. Forget driving into your garage on snowy nights. Just park at the bottom of the hill and walk the rest of the way up.

So I always have to ask myself, “Is taking the dog for a walk worth it?” Do I really want to huff and puff this morning? Do I really want to give what it takes to walk this dog? Is it WORTH IT?

Here’s my answer today.

The lake is a little far for my iphone to capture clearly, but seeing with the naked eye was nice as spice.

The lake is a little far for my iphone to capture clearly, but seeing with the naked eye was nice as spice.

The dog and I must climb out of the trees to get the view. It’s only from the top that I can make the decision if it’s worth it or not. It’s after the lacing up the boots, the thumping heart, the heavy breathing and the strained gluts. It’s only after the effort that I can truly decide if the activity is worth it.

This time, it was.

Ok, I know deer are just over grown rabbits, but I still get giddy when I see them.

Ok, I know deer are just over grown rabbits, but I still get giddy when I see them.

But there are other times, it’s not. Knowing the difference is paramount. There are some times that the view is not worth the effort. The results are not worth the time, and the benefits are not worth the cost. No matter what other people say or believe or want, I have to make the decision whether the work is WORTH it to ME. I have to decide if the work is WORTH it emotionally, financially, and maybe most importantly, eternally.

 

  • Am I called to do this work?
  • Am I doing this work when someone else should be doing it instead? Should I let go of this work to give others the opportunity?
  • Am I skilled, talented, or gifted for this work, or am I doing it because no one else will? And if I’m doing it for the latter reason, then is it making an eternal difference?
  • Is the season over for this work? Can I move on?
  • Am I doing this work to get someone to notice me, be pleased with me, or to “be somebody?”
  • Is the work WORTH it?

I can answer “no” or “yes” to these questions at any time. It’s my decision to make. Owning this decision, and the VALUE I attach to the work gives me the freedom to love the work, appreciate the work, and enjoy the process of the work. Whatever it is. Whether it be my marriage, my parenting, my own growth and healing, my non-profit work, my pro bono work, my teaching, my counseling, my writing, my bible study group, my exercise, my procrastination, my facebook trolling, my Netflix binging, my anything. I get to determine what is worth it and what is not. And when I’m unsure, I can trust that God will make it eternally worth it. Because He loves me. And He accepts me. He guides me.

Once I climb through those trees, He’ll give me a view that made it worth it all. How about you? What work is WORTH it to you, and why? What work are you thinking you’ll stop? Or start?

 

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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