Posts Categorized: Uncategorized

How Boundaries can Lead to Intimacy

Posted October 14th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

Have you ever been in a conflict with your partner that seemed like a no win situation? Do you ever have the same fight over and over again? Or maybe you have the hopeless feeling that this issue will never get resolved,

You’ve probably heard of having boundaries with your partner and/or your kids, and you’ve probably used them too. But have you ever thought how boundaries can actually increase your feelings of closeness with your partner? Today, I’m going to talk about the importance of healthy boundaries in relationships, how they can solve the problem fight you’ve been having over and over again, and how that can actually make you feel closer.

Boundaries are the thing that help you identify where you leave off, and the other person starts.

Identify Problem Boundaries: Sometimes you may find yourself carrying the responsibility, the feelings and the stress of the other person in the relationship. Maybe you do most of the feeling for the both of you, or you do most of the relationship work, or you do most of the accommodating. These are examples of where you need to set a limit or boundary inside yourself of how much relational responsibility is really yours. You may be over functioning, or feeling over responsible for things that belong to him. You may be working harder, at his life than he is.

Identify Your Needs: Often people will blur their boundary lines when they are unaware of their personal needs. If you were raised where your needs weren’t discussed or valued, then you may not consciously be aware that you have any! You do- they are just underground somewhere and need to be revived. Your anger about the crossed-boundary or repeat argument is a signal to you that your needs are not being met. Explore what they are. Maybe you need…

appreciation
consideration
self care (ding ding ding, flashing lights, sirens, horns!!!)
nurture
help

Value your Needs: Before you ever go to your partner to discuss your boundaries or needs, make an effort to value your needs yourself. Often, people will look to their partners to meet there needs, long before they take ownership of them themselves. This is more blurring of the relationship boundaries. Take ownership of your needs. Make a plan to get more self care, take more time for yourself, hire the house help or yard help, prioritize your spiritual and personal Sabbath.

Have a Conversation with your Partner: Since your ultimate goal is to have authentic love and intimacy with your partner, you don’t want to charge in like a surprise attack on the enemy, She is not your enemy. She is your partner (partner partner partner, same team, etc etc.) Talk to her about how you’ve identified that some of your needs are neglected and that’s partly your fault for not prioritizing them. Use “I” language, like

“I feel sad and scared that you’re smoking again. I know this must be tough for you too. Tell me what’s going on. I’d like to understand.” or
“I feel hurt that you haven’t planned a date night. I miss spending time with you. Are you doing ok?” or
“I feel angry that you are not coming to counseling with me anymore. Help me understand how you are feeling about counseling.”

Ask her questions about herself, and make it a safe environment for her to share her own fears. Chances are, your partner is feeling the tension between you both and needs an opportunity to talk through these issues as well. If you make it safe, non-accusatory and non-critical, the more likely she will feel safe sharing her stresses, weaknesses, and feelings.

Set the Boundary and Ask for What You Want: This is often the scariest thing for partners to do because they often fear being told, “no.” But avoiding this conversation because of fear is a disservice to you and your partner.

“I need to feel appreciated by you. When I come home from getting your dry cleaning, I want you to look at me, smile and say thank you.”
“I need to feel safe and secure in this marriage. With you smoking again, I don’t feel safe and secure. I want for you to get help with your addiction- for yourself, and for us.”
“I feel un-important to you. I feel un-valued when you don’t come to our counseling session. I feel un-cared for. I want us to go to our sessions together.”

Finish with Heart: This conversation may not go the way you intended, or it may go much better. However your partner responds, make sure you finish the conversation with compassion. If the conversation doesn’t illicit collaboration and real problem solving, then consider the following steps:

Commit to yourself that you will follow through on needed self care. Remember, that is your responsibility.
Say something like, “I understand where you are coming from. Your decision to *keep smoking or *not come to counseling makes me really sad. I will probably not feel as close to you until something changes. I love you, and I don’t like feeling so distant.”
Don’t let your anger make you get argumentative, attacking or critical.
Give it some time to percolate.
Get support for yourself.

Many times, this conversation can go very well, and I congratulate you for navigating through it with flying colors when it does!! You may need to practice this a few times (or a hundred times) before you both feel like pros, but don’t worry, life will give you LOTS of opportunities to work out issues. The goal is to always come together. The goal is to be stronger after the conversation (or conflict) than you were before the conflict ever came up. I see this happening all the time, and I know it’s possible. Don’t give up if the first (or 21st) time, it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped. These communication principles, when embraced by both parties, lead to deeper intimacy.

The Down Side of Responsibility

Posted September 20th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

Hello to the Best Steady Eddies, the Most Consistent and Persistent, and the Earth’s Saltiest people. I love ya! Today, I’m talking to the Ever Readies. The Go Bot Girls. The Over Achievers. And the Over Functioning Super Heros.

Have you ever felt so overly responsible for something, that it stressed you out? Maybe you were leading a team, or facilitating a bible study or parenting a screaming toddler. Whatever it was, you felt like the thing began and ended with you, and you were the one responsible for its success or failure.

Feeling responsible isn’t bad. It’s actually a good motivator. However, feeling OVERLY responsible can be bad for you and bad for the people around you.

What Is Over Responsibility?

Feeling overly responsible means that you think it’s your job to take care of other people’s jobs. You think it’s your job to make others perform, make others happy, make others behave, make others conform, and make others pleased with you. You feel a compulsion to live up to unattainable standards of perfection. You feel like it’s all up to you or it won’t get done. You often feel in a lose-lose battle. What should feel like a privilege, turns into a burden. You feel like you are working harder than the rest of your group, family, or team, and that they just don’t understand the amount of pressure you’re under. You absorb and take on others’ feelings and expectations.

The Danger of Over Responsibility is…

People start to sense that you are stressed and angry all the time. They feel a bit demeaned and belittled that you don’t trust them to make good choices. People feel less than important to you. You end up doing your job, and other people’s jobs too. You end up frazzled, stressed out, sick and burned out. Your every action to over-function is met with others’ equal reaction to under-function. Your over-responsibility results in others’ under-responsibility.

What Over Responsibility Looks Like on the Outside…

You feel unappreciated, over worked, and underpaid. You feel like no one else works as hard as you. You feel bitter at the others’ carefree attitudes, and they get to enjoy the fruits of your labors. You feel self-pity. You may say to yourself, “I have to do everything around here” or “Leaders get the short end of the stick,” or “People are selfish!” You may feel angry that other people are “ruining” your efforts.

What Over Responsibility Feels Like on the Inside…

For me, I start to feel panicky inside. I start to sense that things are spinning ever so slightly out of my control, and that if I let go of my tight grip, a crash is sure to happen. If I were to sum it up with a couple of words of what Over Responsibility feels like to me, it would be sheer terror. terror that this good thing will slip away. Terror that I’ll be blamed for a failure. Terror that the shame of my mistakes my overwhelm me and leave me abandoned. Terror that God will be disappointed in me.

Rationally, I know the things that frighten me will not come true, but terror is irrational, and before I can act according to rationality, I’ve already succumbed to my terror.

What to do When you find yourself in the VORTEX of Over Responsibility

Breath and realize you are over-functioning
Realize you are over functioning because you care. That’s good. But, turn that care toward yourself. Care enough about yourself to step back, let others have their feelings, do their part, and make their choices.
Apologize quickly to the people you barked at, snarked at, or tried to control.
Let go. Let go. Let go. Let the hell go. It’s going to be fine without your iron grip.
Don’t rehearse in your head 100 times what you did or said wrong. Remember, you feel over-responsible for being overly responsible, so forgive yourself and move on quickly. All great people make mistakes, and they learn how to recover from them quickly.
Tell somebody how you feel and get some support. You’ll feel better when you realize that a lot of people just like you get it,

Remember…

You are a high achiever, a high performing leader, a Go-Bot, Ever Ready, Risk Taker. You’re the kid who sits in the front row. You’re the one with the high goals and big dreams. The activities you engage in are important. You are called by God to lead that team, to facilitate that bible study, to parent that child and to lead that organization. But you don’t have to run yourself in the ground to get it done. When you sense yourself feeling overly responsible, know that you’ve just stepped outside of God’s rest. Step right back into God’s rest by letting go of the things that ARE and SHOULD be out of your control. Those things are for God to handle, and not for you.

Cheers to you, and all your relationships!

Set Yourself Free From Mom Guilt

Posted August 19th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

Good morning to the hottest moms, the most fabulous singles, and the strongest men in history. Thanks for being a part of my life. Today we are going to talk about Mom Guilt.

One day, when my kids were ankle-biter-age, my counselor asked me a poignant question. “Why are you trying to control your children?”

Good question, right? It’s one that we can all stop to consider. A major reason we moms like to control our kids is because, at our core, we don’t believe we are good enough moms. We unconsciously think, “Since I don’t feel good enough on the inside, I’m going to try to control everything on my outsides.” We have this nagging feeling that we just aren’t doing a good enough job as a mother.

Mom guilt waits like the creepy solicitor guy outside our door, trying to sell us magazines we don’t need. He doesn’t have a permit to be there, he is not selling anything of value, we didn’t invite him, but we give him the time of day anyway.

Mom Guilt convinces us that we need what it’s selling. How? By making us believe that we live in lack, that we need something else to make us complete, that we are not good enough unless we have or do _______.

Here is what Living in Lack looks like.

There’s not enough time.

There’s not enough money.

I don’t have enough energy.

I don’t have enough experience/education.

I’m not rich enough, pretty enough, smart enough or skinny enough.

I’m not enough.

And when it comes to our kids, we’ve got a List of Lack for them too:

They don’t…

Study enough, clean enough, practice enough, score enough, floss enough, deodorize their arm pits enough, or write their grandmas enough. For Pete’s Sake!

They are not…

Responsible enough, calm enough, polite enough, talkative enough, quiet enough, hard-working enough, disciplined enough, easy-going enough, WHATEVER-FILL-IN-THE-BLANK enough…..

Oh geez! And the “not enough” feelings really start knocking when we compare ourselves with other moms and our kids with other kids. We think in our heads, because we’d NEVER say it out loud, “Can’t you be more like…. Little-Miss-Perfect or Mr-Johnny-Football over there?” And why can’t I be like Michelle Pfeiffer (and why are there so many songs written about her, anyway?)

And when our anxiety goes up, our need to control goes up.

Any of these sound familiar? The answer to my counselor’s control question so long ago, had everything to do with my fears of not being a good enough mother, and not producing good enough kids.

When we find ourselves hell bent, high strung, and about to blow with our kids, chances are, the facade of control is cracking, and Mom Guilt is knocking.

But what if we shifted our paradigm from LIFE OF LACK to “IT’S GOOD ENOUGH, JACK!” What if we left the LAND of SCARCITY to live in the LAND of PLENTY? What if we spoke the LANGUAGE of REAL instead of LIP SYNCING to the IDEAL?

I have a hunch, that if we are able to accept ourselves just as we are and call it “good enough,” then our insatiable need to be better would be filled. If we stopped trying to be IDEAL moms, and became happy with the REAL moms that we are, then our dance party music would be turned up so loud that we wouldn’t even hear Mom Guilt knocking. If we focused on what we have instead of what we lack, we might find that we… have… enough.

Enough time.

Enough energy.

Enough patience.

Enough money.

Enough EVERYTHING.

If we focused on who were are instead of who we are not, then we might find that we… are…. Enough. Thank You Jesus. Enough!

And we are a good enough…

Wife.

Mother.

Friend.

Worker.

School Volunteer (Ok- I’ve gone too far. No one can EVER be a good-enough-school-volunteer!)

This Sunday, I was reminded of the story of Jesus meeting the woman at the well. If you want to hear the sermon, click here. It’s great. Long story less long, the Woman at the Well (Aka WATW) is the pinnacle of the NOT ENOUGH woman- history of bad relationships, socially ostracized, and culturally looked down on- she was NOT Michelle Pfeiffer.

Jesus approaches her and asks her for a drink of water. After WATW explains to him how “not enough” she is, he AGREES!! He lets her know He is well aware of her shortcomings. Then He tells WATW that she should be asking Him for water, because He’s got the good stuff. So she does. And she leaves the well feeling “good enough” because of the dignity and new life Jesus gave her.

Well, yeah. Duh.

God and us, at the proverbial well of life. Him asking us for some water (“Whatever you do for the least of these, you do for Me” is like Him saying, “hey, take care of these ankle-biters) and us telling Him how unqualified we are to actually fulfill the task. And Him saying, “yeah, I see what you mean,” and then Him turning the tables and telling us to ask Him for some water instead. And His water never runs out. And us asking for more of Him, and leaving satisfied. Full to overflowing. Having plenty. Being enough. Done.

So when I feel like I have to control things, and that I’ve fallen in the trap of comparing my goods to other people’s, and that I’m hell bent, high strung and overwhelmed with the perfectionistic expectations I’ve put on myself… I can drink.

Well, no, not that kind of drink. Well, maybe that kind of drink. I digress.

ANYWAY, I can go to God’s well and drink. I can swim in the spring. I can play in the fountain. I can go jump in the lake of sufficiency. I don’t have to thirst in the wilderness of scarcity anymore. Thank God. And when Mom Guilt knocks, I meet it at the door with a fire hose.

How about you? Has your paradigm of Lack affected your parenting? Have you felt less than the ideal? Has MOM GUILT knocked on your door lately?

Early Warning Signs That You’re in a Lemon Relationship

Posted July 2nd, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

“Nice people don’t necessarily fall in love with nice people.”

— Jonathan Franzen, Freedom

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you were willing to overlook major flaws just to get it? Even though Reason and Wisdom warned you, you wanted what you wanted and no one could talk you out of it?

A few years back, my heart was set on a certain kind of car. I wanted something sleek and black and foxy! I was approaching 40 and felt like I needed a Statement Car- you know, something that would say, “Wow, she looks good in that car!” So, I bought Stella. Born in Germany and trained for the autobahn, Stella was everything that I dreamed of. She was fast and powerful and oh. so. pretty.

But Stella came with some drama. Stella was a few years old with a ton of miles, but I didn’t care. People told me that German cars were expensive to repair, but I didn’t care. People told me that she’d be like a bob sled down icy hills in the winter, but I didn’t care. She was in the shop within a month of buying her, costing me $$$$$, but I didn’t care. She was just so perfect- black and tan, enough seating to accommodate visiting guests, enough style and prestige to turn heads. Stella the Sleek. Stella the Stylish. Oh, Stella, I love you. You make me feel so…. so…. important!

But Stella loved the attention she got from the European mechanics, and she ended up in their garage… a lot. She loved to be in control, and regularly caused chaos just to stay at the center of my attention. She would break down late at night while on my way home from work. She would refuse to open her doors on one side of the car. Once one thing got fixed, another thing would break. She loved that my attention, my money and my schedule was occupied by her. She loved how her “complicated” engine baffled the mechanics and drained my checking account.

One year with Stella was enough to cure me from ever wanting Prestige and Style again. Spending all that money to repair Stella the Lemon was like eating too much schnitzel and getting sick. It makes you never want schnitzel again. When I saw Stella the Money Pit drive away with a new owner, I danced for Joy and shouted hallelujah! Auf Wiedersehen!

Now I drive Harriet the Chariot. Harriet the Functional. Harriet the Boring. Oh, how I love boring. Harriet is reliable. Harriet has no unexpected drama. She doesn’t like all that extra fussing at the shop. She prefers staying in MY garage instead of the other guys’.

Stella was the ultimate narcissist. She glimmered and shined, but was a complete wreck under the hood. I was screwed, bamboozled, and used. She promised me one thing and gave me another. My life revolved around her high maintenance needs. She took much more than she gave. Stella was my User.

How about you and your relationships? Who is your User? Have you ever wanted something or someone so badly you were willing to overlook early warning signs of a Relationship Lemon?

Here are some Warning Signs that will help you know if you’re in relationship with a User.

1. Something doesn’t add up: Everything looks good on the outside but something just doesn’t make sense. Maybe there are too many secrets or off-limit topics that make you wonder if there is more to the story. Withholding the truth from you is just a tactic to keep you off balanced so your User can maintain control.

2. Love Bombs: In the beginning, you experience a high because of all the attention you’re getting from your User. He/she does over-the-top things for you so you feel obligated to him/her. Your User occupies your time, your thoughts and your text threads. You feel special because of the relationship intensity. But this Love Bombing stage is used to distract you from the User’s serious character flaws.

3. Hot and Cold: Your User may surprise you with his/her intense mood swings. You wonder if you did something wrong to cause his/her sulking, anger or silence. Your user keeps you guessing about his/her unpredictable needs and moods so he/she can maintain the upper hand.

4. Not taking No for an Answer: You don’t feel like you can say “no” to your User because he/she may get angry or try to punish you. You are afraid to displease him because of probable retribution. Your User’s feelings may seem so fragile, that to contradict or suggest otherwise may cause a melt down, a pity party or temper tantrum.

5. Jealousy: You find yourself being careful bringing up other people for fear of making your User jealous or insecure. He/she is irrational about being the only important person in your life and tries to control any outside influences.

6. Possessive: You may find that your User feels entitled to your availability and attention at all times. He/she may become agitated when you don’t pick up the phone, as if he/she should have access to you at all times. You may also find that he/she has a “crisis” when you are with friends or family that requires you to tend to him/her right away. Other important people to you like friends or family threaten him/her.

7. Fragile Ego: Your User can’t handle truthful feedback, constructive criticism or helpful suggestions. He/she must be all right all the time. He/she can not tolerate being wrong, and blames others for their woes.

Stella drained me of my time, my money and my peace. Once I recognized I had made a mistake purchasing her, I knew that I had to do something drastic. I could have ordered her a new engine and done a total re-haul, because that is what would have had to happen for her to become a safe and reliable vehicle. But I chose to get out while the gettin was good.

You may have to do the same.

Five Things Every Woman Needs to Learn from Joyce Mitchell, Accomplice to Prison Escapees

Posted June 24th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

Toxic relationships are all around us. In fact, you may be smack dab in the middle of one, or know someone who is. You might wonder, “How did this relationship get this far? This bad? This dark?” You may consider leaving but feel afraid that it will only make things worse. You might think you’re in too far to back out.

The first step to getting healthy in the midst of a toxic relationship is awareness of your reality. You may have been telling yourself, “It’s not that bad,” or “I am strong, I can handle it,” or “He needs me, he has no one else.” But those things aren’t true. Those things are not reality.

Today, you will read someone else’s story to help you see your reality more clearly.

Joyce Mitchell has been the center of attention lately since being accused of helping convicted murderers Richard Matt and David Sweat escape from the Clinton Correctional Facility in New York in early June. The media has given the man hunt for Sweat and Matt second place to Joyce Mitchell’s story because it is so intriguing. How could she help these guys? Was she in love with one of them? What was going on inside her head? Why did she do what she did?

Joyce’s story is not so different than many women’s stories who get caught up in the web of a toxic relationship. A recent Today Show interview with her husband gives us revealing clues to what was going on inside of Joyce Mitchell. When I heard her husband, Lyle give his account of what happened over the last couple of years between Joyce and the two convicts, I felt my head nodding up and down saying, “yep, that’s how it happens.” Truly this story is age old, just with different characters. It happens in homes, in schools, and in churches. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, pretends to be good in order to get an unassuming person to do his bidding, all the while destroying all the sheep in his path. Here are five lessons that Joyce Mitchell’s story teaches the rest of us.

Desperation Attracts Predators: Lyle tells the Today Show that Joyce didn’t know if her husband really loved her anymore. They’d been married for years, but for whatever reason, she found herself questioning his love. When you start questioning your husband’s love, you start wondering if you’re really that lovable or worthy of love in the first place. These feelings of self-doubt lead to desperation. Abusers, con men and predators sniff out desperation like a wolf smells a wounded lamb. When you are feeling unworthy or unloved, you send out vibes to the people around you that attract the wrong sort of person who seeks to use you for their own gain.
Predators Give You What You Think You Want: Joyce’s husband Lyle, reports Joyce liking the attention she was getting from Matt and Sweat. Maybe she felt attractive or flattered or even special. In a vacuum of worthlessness feelings, attention from other men can feel really good, even if it’s from con artists. You may start making excuses for their bad behavior, trying to believe that they aren’t as bad as people think. In the mean time, you feel sought after, special and maybe even adored. For Joyce, these strong feelings may have been the thing that blinded her to Matt and Sweat’s true intentions.
Predators are Patient Groomers: We’ve been told that Joyce was a tailor in the correction facility, and that she had regular contact with both Sweat and Matt. All the way back in 2013, there was an investigation into claims that Sweat and Mitchell had a sexual relationship. Matt was later moved out of the tailor shop to limit their interaction. Predators are willing to wait as long as it takes to get what they want. Sometimes they use an inordinate amount of time so that your warning signals go quiet after awhile. You may even think you are off their radar, but you’re not. They are just very patient people, waiting for an opportune time to use you to get what they want.
Predators Take More Than You Ever Signed Up for: Joyce’s husband Lyle, said in the interview that Joyce admitted smuggling in tools that would aid Matt and Sweat’s escape, and even agreed to supply means of a getaway. The attention that first felt good, quickly had a price tag. Joyce was reportedly threatened once she started to say “no” to Matt and Sweat. They allegedly threatened to kill her husband too, if she didn’t do what they wanted her to do. Joyce may have mistakenly thought she could handle Matt and Sweat, until they ended up handling her.
Predators Make you Feel Powerless: Joyce told her husband Lyle, that she got in over her head. Though she probably never intended in the beginning to aid convicted murderers in their prison escape, or putting her husband in harm’s way, or to bring danger to herself and family, this is exactly what she did. Victims of predators often feel as though they have no choice but to do what is being asked of them. They’ve been lured and groomed to the point of trusting the predator more than they trust themselves. They say “ok” one too many times until saying “no” doesn’t feel like an option. Lyle reported Joyce saying, “It just got out of hand and I was scared and I didn’t know what to do,’”

We don’t truly know what drove Joyce Mitchell to do the things that she did, and I can only make assumptions given the information available. Sadly, I’ve heard this story over and over in my office just with different circumstances and characters. There is a bit of Joyce in all of us- the vulnerable, the dissatisfied, the Soul Hole that longs to be filled. There are counterfeits to TRUE and AUTHENTIC love that dress themselves up to look real. We may fall prey to Users and Abusers without intervention.

INTERVENTION: Often it’s the pain of your choices that can wake you up to realize when you are being used. The Users and Abusers in your life may believe they are having their way with you, but it is never too late to say “no.” This is the “Come to Jesus” moment. This is when the Prodigal Son wakes up starving in a pig pen and “Comes to himself.” This is the “Rock Bottom” experience that jolts you awake to your reality, and gives you one final exit before you destroy yourself in the predator’s arms. Joyce’s story helps us to recognize Counterfeit Love quicker so we can avoid toxic relationships. Her story also warns us to just how bad things can get when we start entertaining feelings for a Wolf.

Posts Categorized: Uncategorized

How Boundaries can Lead to Intimacy

The Down Side of Responsibility