Posts Tagged: marriage

Own Your Dating Life Like a Boss

Posted August 12th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

Good Morning to the best group of people on earth! Each and everyone of you have crossed my path and changed me for the better. This morning I’m really grateful for you. 🙂

If you are not currently single and looking, then you know someone who is. This post is for the person who is single but doesn’t want to be. These are things I hear from my single friends and clients. Maybe you can relate too…

  • You think you are too old, too frumpy, or too something to be attractive.
  • You think that you’ve had your chance and that God is up there somewhere saying, “Well, you blew it! No more chances for you!”
  • You think the odds are stacked against you and the best guys are already taken.
  • You think there is no way you can compete with the younger, better looking, skinnier, richer available singles out there.
  • You think you’ll have to compromise your faith just to find someone.
  • You think it’s hopeless, so why even try.
  • You think that since God hasn’t “brought him to you” then God must want you to be alone.

When I say what I’m about to say, it’s because I love you. (Ok, get ready for the THWACK!)

Those are just excuses to keep you from showing up to your life.

Those are just lies that are easier to believe than the truth that you’re AMAZING. 

Those are just self-defeating thoughts from your past that keep you living back there.

But you’re too good for those lousy excuses. You’re too smart to believe in lies. You’re too vibrant to live in the past. You want more! You’re worth more!

Ok, I get it that I’ve been married to Mr. Dashing for a zillion years, and I haven’t had to date since wearing a training bra, and dating is different now, and who am I to give advice to singles, anyway? I admit that if I had to start dating now, I’d want to bury my wrinkled, graying  head in the sand and just cross my fingers that Mr. Right would fall from the sky on top of me, and that way I wouldn’t have to go through the tortures of internet dating and church singles functions. I admit that dating at age 42 would force me to move to Alaska where the odds would ever be in my favor, and that I’d seriously consider having work done, and that I’d break out in hives before every first date.

But you and I both know this truth: In order to grow up, you’ve got to show up.

If you don’t own your life, own your career, own your experiences, own your dating life, then you let life happen to you. If you let life happen to you, you lose your power. These truths apply to dating, to marriage, to career advancement, to our spiritual lives- to everything. Whether you’re married, single, or living in a nudest colony (in which case, dating may not be your issue), these truths apply to you. 

 

Here are SEVEN KEYS to Owning Your Dating Life like a BOSS:

  1. You Date Lots of Different People: You realize that interesting, strong, smart and good people come in all different packages from all different back grounds. Part of dating is learning and sharing experiences, stories and wisdom. You date for the purpose of meeting new people and sharing your life with them. You may be surprised with the type of person you truly connect with.
  2. You are a Gift: you give your date a gift every time you go out. He has the gift of being with you for an hour or two. Whether he receives that gift or not, is not your responsibility or problem. But you must leave each date repeating to yourself, “I gave him/her the gift of myself tonight, and it was a damn good gift.”
  3. You Welcome Rejection: Hey, if he doesn’t want to go on another date with you, thank him for screening himself out. It makes your job easier. After all, you only want people who adore you for you! You don’t have time for hanger-on-ers, or un-decided-ers. When you own your life like a BOSS, you don’t take rejection personally. You realize it’s part of the deal, and that rejection doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, it just means it wasn’t a good fit. 
  4. You don’t give up: You’ve been on good dates, boring dates, scary dates, and um…. “interesting” dates. You are the boss of your dating life, and you understand that being the boss requires tenacity, patience, endurance and creativity. The boss forges ahead because she realizes that ain’t nobody gonna do it for her, so she’s gonna do it herself. When your dating life takes a turn for the worse, you realize that finding a life-long partner takes time. You believe that you are worth the effort to keep at it!
  5. You Treat Dating like a Job: You put time, effort and investment into it, but you don’t put your heart into it until it’s time. You want to meet a lot of people and ultimately find someone to marry, right? If that’s your purpose, then say it out loud, set your goal and go after it. Put the time into it that it takes. Bosses don’t wait for opportunities to come to them, they seek out opportunities. Once they like the opportunity that’s in front of them, then they put their heart and soul into making it work.
  6. You’re not Desperate- so don’t act like it. You’ve got a LOT going for you. Just look at what you’ve accomplished in your life. You don’t NEED someone to complete you. You’re complete already. You WANT to share your valuable self with another valuable someone. You’re determined to be happy no matter what. You don’t look for someone else to make you happy.
  7. Only the Highly Qualified Need Apply: You are not in the business of rescuing, changing or helping the people you date. Nor are you looking to be rescued, changed or helped. When you own your dating life like a boss, you seek to share your life experience with someone  who can respect and value what you bring to the table. Rescuing and being rescued is just not SEXY! But knowing what you want is.

How about you? What are some things that have helped you own your dating life like a boss? What do you tell yourself before and after a date?

 

Yeah, but do you really know me?

Posted April 13th, 2015 | Michelle Hollomon

On your birthday, have you ever gone the whole day without someone wishing you a happy birthday? I mean the WHOLE day? You wake up, drink your coffee, go to school or work, go to lunch, and go home without a single person acknowledging it’s your special day? Terrible, right? No phone call, no cards, no Facebook shout outs. You would feel like the most un-special person on earth! You may be tempted to keep the information quiet, hoping, wishing, pining away for someone to remember. “Don’t they KNOW it’s my birthday?!!” you may ask.

If that ever happened to me, I would dissolve into a puddle of tears by 10 a.m.

But this will never happen to me. Ever. I unashamedly start celebrating my birthday the first day of my birth month- and since my birthday falls on the last day of the month, that is 30 full days of me-ness. If I’m not sure that my friends are planning something, I plan my own parties (yes, parties plural) months in advance. I narrow down my wish list starting the day after Christmas. On the day of, I casually mention my Personal Day of Celebration to the grocery clerk, the bank teller, any clients I’m seeing that day, and you better believe to the students I’m teaching. My children have been trained to offer hand written poems and home-made creations with Yours Truly in mind. That day was created for me, and everyone around me is invited to celebrate! (It’s April 30th, fyi.)

Letting people into your life is a good thing. Many of our relationships only go skin deep. We see eachother as valuable and worthy of love, but we don’t often take the time and energy to appreciate one another, to celebrate one another, to really know one another.

Love has to have three elements: 1)to be seen, 2)to be known, and 3)to be unconditionally accepted. In this post, we will explore what it is to be known.

To be known is to be understood. Knowing means perceiving, seeking, finding, and joining. Knowing involves being exposed, unguarded, and vulnerable leading to intimate knowledge.  Knowing is so deep and intimate, the ancient biblical scribes used the words, “to know” as a Hebrew idiom for sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. Knowing is not just understanding, it is also joining.

For example, a father of two boys has an easier time bonding with the oldest son because they have so much in common. They enjoy watching football, playing catch and all things traditionally “male.” But this isn’t true for him and the youngest son. The youngest son enjoys art, drama, and reading. He’s smaller, less physically coordinated, less athletic than his brother, and seems to get hurt easily. The youngest son feels inferior.

The father sees the differences between the two boys, and although has little natural interest in art, drama and reading, realizes that he must work harder to connect with his youngest son. The father could routinely ask questions to engage his youngest son, but won’t find meaningful connection until he joins with the son in his interests. The father decides to register the two of them for an eight week art class. The father begins to understand the boy’s unique talent for art, and even discovers his own genuine interest in the subject. The father enjoys their new connection and looks for other ways the two of them can connect. The father sought greater understanding of his youngest son, joined him in his interests and experiences, and communicated the message, “I love you and want to know you better.” The son in turn felt affirmed for his unique interests and abilities, more self-confident than before, and a deeper bond with his father. This is knowing.

Here is an example of what knowing looks like in marriage. My husband and I have been married for 18 years, and by this time, we’ve figured out the roles and domestic duties that work the best for us. One duty that has fallen to him is bill paying, budgeting and financial planning. Give me cooking, cleaning or picking up the dog bombs any day. Too many line items, numbers, or spread sheets and my brain feels like scrambled eggs. On occasion, however, my husband asks to look over the finances together. I’d rather stick a fork in my eye, but I do it with a smile, because I’ve learned the importance of this exercise. It’s not just important to our bottom line, it is important to our intimacy too. I get to share in something that Mr. Dashing cares about. I get to experience his concerns, share his burdens and ultimately know his heart. What are his frustrations? What are his hopes? What are his proud accomplishments? I get to know him and join him in the process. I could simply make regular deposits, spend the money allotted, and follow the budget like a robot, but I’d miss the opportunity to share the responsibilities and the successes. More importantly, I’d miss the opportunity to join in his journey.

“I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other’s wounds; they repair the broken skin.”

— Lauren Oliver, Pandemonium

Without this kind of knowing, we end up feeling like a person who goes through thier entire birthday without any acknowledgement or happy wishes. Without being truly known, we end up feeling like the most un-special person on earth. We feel like, “Doesn’t any body want to know the real me? Doesn’t anybody care?” We drfit further and further apart from the people we love until we barely recognize the them.

Knowing and being known starts with you. It starts with taking a risk and putting yourself out there. It starts with leaning in and asking the uncomfortable questions. It takes sacrificing “the ideal” for “the real.”

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

— Bernard M. Baruch

What activities in your life encourage the knowing that leads to loving?  Are you in supportive groups or circles of friends that meet routinely? Do you schedule time with important people so you can know deeply and be deeply known? If so, share your experience here! Let us know what you’ve done that has helped you!

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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