Posts Tagged: relationships

Strategy for Surviving Emotional Pain: Part II

Posted October 26th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

We make plans for vacations, for the future, for our career and for our kids. But what about making plans for surviving heart ache? If you find yourself in a season of loss or relationship turmoil, having a survival strategy is key. You may not be able to make the pain go away or the relationship better, but you can figure out how to survive it and get through to a better season.

sun through trees

Last week, I wrote about the Two Key Strategies to Survive Emotional Pain, and today I am breaking down those strategies into practical, doable bites.

Disappointments, break ups and unexpected tragedies can leave you feeling devastated and lost. Everyone goes through challenges and difficulties, but not everyone knows what to do with themselves when difficulty comes. When you experience a season of loss, choosing the right coping strategies makes all the difference.

light on the journey

Distraction: Distracting your brain from internal psychic pain is a necessary tool during recovery. Some people see distraction as a cop out with temporary results. However, distracting the brain from it’s anxious worry or rehearsal of past events, is actually a very healthy way to deal with trauma, loss and pain. When used as a temporary break from the problem, distraction is a useful tool. Examples of healthy distraction are watching a movie, going to work, reading a book, working on a project, exercise class, etc.
Contribution: Using your energy to contribute to someone else’s well being is a positive way to cope while experiencing your own distress. Finding ways to help, encourage, care for or give to other people can provide a sense of control, purpose and meaning.
Prioritize Problems: Choosing one problem to work on at a time is an effective way to address stress from work, relationships, and child raising. Trying to tackle all the problems at once becomes self-defeating. However, selecting one problem at a time helps you get unstuck and in gear.
Self Sooth: Taking time to sooth yourself throughout the day is not indulgent. In fact, it is smart. People who take a minute three times a day to do something self-soothing are happier, stronger and more effective. This could be any small action like lighting a candle, listening to nice music, taking a walk, breathing in fresh air, petting a dog, holding a baby, taking a shower, rubbing your temples, or using essential oils. Consistent attention to self care makes the body and brain feel better.
Gratitude: Noticing things that you are thankful for begins an attitude shift from insufficiency to sufficiency. Instead of focusing on the loss, the grief, the hole, or the things you don’t have, focus and give thanks for the things you do have. Practicing gratitude is a form of mindfulness and establishes a mind of peace.
Mastery: Putting energy into proficiency and competency can help treat grief, loss, trauma and psychic pain. Whether it be practicing tennis, a new language, yoga, or learning to cook, mastery of skills is a way for the brain to focus and be rewarded. It’s harder, but better.
Pleasure: Experiencing pleasure is a distraction technique used to ward off overwhelming feelings. Pleasure can come from a latte, a visit to a park, an orgasm or a good discount at your favorite store. It is important to give yourself small pleasures, and permission to enjoy that pleasure while you are recovering from difficult times.
Creativity: Allowing yourself to create something new affects the pleasure centers of the brain. It’s like medicine. Whether it is writing a song, coloring a picture, making an album, planting a garden, or trying a new recipe, creating is good for the soul.

butchart-japanese-garden

When you are recovering from something hard, devastating or traumatic, it is important to use that recovery time to do things that are helpful and good for you. It may be tempting to fall into negative patterns, (drinking, extra-marital relationships, over spending, etc.) but small helpful choices go a long way in helping you get your life back.

These Survival Strategies are like vitamins, that when taken and practiced over time, can produce remarkable results. There are no quick fixes to psychological pain, heart break or loss. However, there is a pathway through the pain, and there is hope for the journey.

When Couples Counseling Isn’t Working

Posted May 12th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

We all know that communication is key to happy relationships. I teach interpersonal communication and conflict resolution classes and I know the positive impact communication can have in the couples counseling session. But what about the relationships that just refuse to improve? That no matter how many communication skills are learned, progress just isn’t made?

Some relationships are so entrenched in destructive patterns, that no manner of communication can fix them. When improved communication does not improve a relationship, I usually look to deeper reasons of toxicity.

When Communication Skills Don’t Work

Communication skills can solve a host of issues, help with understanding, improve problem solving and build relationships. But there are some things it can’t do. Communication, by itself, can not help a couple when…

There’s a secret– sometimes relationships can not improve because one partner is keeping a secret. These secrets range from hiding an affair, a gambling addiction, a financial crisis, or an entire secret identity. If honesty and trustworthiness is not at the core of a relationship, it is doomed. Communication without full honesty is just lying to someone.
There’s a lack of empathy– sometimes a partner simply can not or will not feel empathy for the other person. One partner refuses to put him/herself in the other person’s shoes because it makes him/her feel weak or vulnerable. This type of person can learn complex communication skills, but without compassion, the relationship will fail. Communication without empathy is just talking at someone.
There’s a power imbalance– some relationships adopt a hierarchical structure where one person has more power than the other. This partner uses his/her hierarchical dominance to control the other person. Equal treatment, privileges, or priorities are not given to both partners. Communication without equality is just talking down to someone.
There’s abuse– abuse comes in a lot of forms. Psychological, religious, financial, physical, sexual, emotional abuse occurs when one partner intimidates, harms, takes advantage of, or manipulates the other for personal gain, control or dominance. Communication without safety is just talking abusively.
There’s apathy– some relationships consist of one highly motivated person and one apathetic person. The motivated person feels all talked out, and wants to see real action. However, if the conversations don’t result in tangible change, then communication is useless. Communication without follow through is pointless.
There’s addiction– if addiction is present within the relationship (alcohol, prescription meds, marijuana, gambling, porn, etc.) counseling will offer little help until the addiction is addressed and treated. Communication without addiction-recovery is sickness.

If you find yourself in a relationship where mere communication is not helping, then put your energies into becoming as healthy as possible. Make a commitment to yourself to invest in your emotional, spiritual and physical life. In the face of feeling the sorrow and anxiety of a difficult relationship, give yourself some nurture and friendship. Ask God to give you clarity and comfort.

Breaking Free from CoDependent People Pleasing

Posted February 10th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

We all do it from time to time- say something we don’t mean, just to keep the peace. Keep quiet, when we should really speak up. Worry too much what other people think. Unfortunately, people-pleasing can create more trouble than it solves in the long run. Relationships can often get stuck in destructive patterns that leave you feeling the thing you were trying the hardest to avoid- rejection and loneliness. In marriage relationships, these patterns usually look like one person trying really hard, but in ineffective ways, and the other person hardly trying at all. Does that sound familiar? Really annoying, right? This pattern leaves one (maybe you?) exhausted and lonely, and the other annoyed and frustrated. Maybe you feel like you keep trying to make him love you, but end up feeling rejected instead.

LOVE letter in New York

If this is you, you may find yourself defaulting to the People-Pleasing mechanism called, Co-dependency. You may have heard this term used in treating addiction or alcoholism, but co-dependency is found in many non-addictive relationships, too.

What is Co-dependent People Pleasing?

Codependency, simply put, is being dependent on someone else to be okay.

This may sound harmless at first glance, but when co-dependent people-pleasers marry un-pleasable people, relationship breakdown is easily predicted.

Mary’s Story

For example, Mary fell in love with Robert early on in their relationships. Robert, the strong silent type, was confident and emotionally withdrawn. But Mary could look past his hard exterior and see the caring side of Robert few others could see. Mary, though unconscious of it at first, made it her mission to draw him out, expose him to new experiences, and make him laugh. Once they were married, she found Robert to be even more sullen than before. He would even become angry at her efforts to make him happy, or to share his feelings. She tried to cook the things he liked, wear the things he liked, and do the things he liked. But no matter what, she always seemed to miss the mark and fall short of his silent expectations. It’s not that he was mean or rude to Mary, he was just closed off and critical. She knew that Robert’s childhood was unhappy and harsh, so she made excuses for him and filled the emptiness with meaningless chatter.

Years into the marriage, Mary found herself feeling depressed and lonely. She often second guessed herself and had trouble making decisions. Marriage wasn’t the intimate friendship she thought it would be. She sometimes badgered Robert just to get a rise from him. Then she poured on the guilt after he exploded. He reacted to her with harsh judgments, and she dissolved into tears. She mistakenly thought that if she could just make him happy, then mayble she would finally feel loved.

Codependent People Pleasers rely on external forces for internal value.

Because they don’t have a solid sense of who they are, they gravitate toward those with ego-centered entitlement issues. Often co-dependent people pleasers take responsibility for others’ feelings of happiness, rage, depression, or fear. They are the perfect match for a partner who won’t take responsibility for his own life, and blames his unhappiness or misfortune on others. Rosenburg says, “Codependents are attracted to individuals who are either narcissistic or addicted and who neither want nor are able to fulfill their personal and emotional needs.” [1] Oh, ouch. So what’s a girl to do? fear not

How to Break Free

Breaking free of codependent people-pleasing in your relationship is not easy, but it is ESSENTIAL to your own growth and happiness. If you’ve followed my blog for very long, you know what I’m going to say. You MUST show your love-starved self a little love before you can effectively love someone else. Talk with a counselor about what you need and what you want. Identify your core needs, and make a plan to get those met. Let God fill you up, so you don’t feel so empty and lonely. Join a support group that will hold you accountable to your goals. Breaking free from co-dependent living is possible, and you can do it!

I developed the following graph so you can start concentrating on what a Healthy Relationship Paradigm looks like, and ways you can make small changes that produce big results in your relationship. You’ll see that the Prideful Paradigm people attract the People-Pleasing Paradigm People, and their relationship just reinforces their abandonment fears. However, healthy living results in a sense of belonging, togetherness and love.

Pride and Codependence

Recognizing the dynamic in your relationship is often the first step in breaking free and experiencing new energy and hopefulness. Responding to your relationship from God’s love and strength will change the entire relationship system. Let me know how the shifts you make change the relationship dynamic. I’d love to hear your story!

[1] Ross Rosenberg, The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us (Eau Claire, WI: PESI Publishing and Media, 2013), 100.

Setting Boundaries with an Angry Person: Part II

Posted January 27th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

You know you need to say something. You know that what they’re doing isn’t right or respectful. But speaking up to an angry person can be intimidating. You don’t know how he/she may react. You don’t want to make things worse. But, you also know you can’t keep going on the same way. Last week, we talked about the important steps of preparation that should be made before you set a boundary with an angry person, including getting a third party to help. Click here if you missed it.

48129872 –

Dealing with an angry person over long periods of time, can end up making you feel down, hopeless and even depressed. That’s why setting boundaries with angry people is absolutely necessary to your emotional health. If you’re tired of feeling bad, or scared, or second best, here are the next five steps on how to Set a Boundary with an Angry Person.

Step One: Ask for What You Want. Many times, woman married to angry man will dance around their boundary. They hint and poke and laugh nervously, but they don’t ask directly for what they want or need. Their fear of getting barked at has made them timid. This passive asking frustrates the situation further and evokes more hostility from their partners. Be direct and state directly what you want and what you are willing to do to get it.
Step Two: Push Repeat. An angry person will use any number of tactics to sway you away from your boundary. You may experience pouting, tantrums, the silence treatment, character attack, love bombs, promises, excuses, sob stories, bible lectures, and threats to leave. He may explode or be cruel or get you off track with one of his problems. This is not ok. Be aware of these tactics and expect them. Then repeat your boundary. There is no need to provide more explanation, just the repetition of your boundary is enough.
Step Three: Walking away in Peace. There is a small chance that he will respect your boundary without much resistance or manipulation. If he is tired of his own anger, and wants a change, then he may be willing to join you in creating a healthier dynamic. However, more times than not, the angry person will not cooperate happily with this boundary. You may need to walk away from the conversation in peace. Remember, you don’t need him to understand or approve of your boundary, you just need him to comply with it.
Step Four: Follow Through. Honestly, the follow through is harder than all the other steps put together. It takes a lot of emotional effort and ego strength to get to this point. Congratulate yourself. However, the process is not over. More than likely, the angry person will test your resolve and push back to see if you’re bluffing. It’s paramount to really stand your ground here. You may experience even more pouting, tantrums, threats, personal attacks, etc., but it is important to hold firm to your boundary. Giving in now will do more harm to you than had you never made the boundary in the first place. If he does not comply to your boundary, then it is time for increased distance and safety.
Step Five: Ask for Help You may need additional resources like a counselor, your pastor, an attorney, or law enforcement.

woman to marry

If you are with a person who recognizes the error of taking his anger out on you, then you will see that the more boundaries you set, the more willing he is to respect them. However, if he/she gets more hostile or manipulative, then you know he/she is not interested in respecting you or your boundaries and you will need serious intervention to be emotionally and physically safe.

How to Set Boundaries with an Angry Person: Part I

Posted January 20th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

Have you tried to talk sense with someone who is hell bent on being right? Have you tried to say “no” to someone only to acquiesce in order to calm him down? If you are in a relationship with an angry person, you know just how difficult it is to set a boundary, ask for something you need, or say “no” to something he wants.

Dealing with an angry person over long periods of time, can end up making you feel down, hopeless and even depressed.

49349270 - angry man pop art style vector illustration. comic book style imitation

That’s why setting boundaries with angry people is absolutely necessary to your emotional health. Anger can be used to control you with fear and threats. You may feel intimidated to hold an angry person accountable for fear of reprisal. Angry people use their angry, threatening persona to keep from having to take responsibility for their actions.

Women in relationships with angry men often feel small and insignificant, as though their needs and opinions are less important than their husband’s. Sometimes I hear women say things like, “It’s just better to be quiet,” or “I walk on eggshells,” or “Nothing I say is ever right.” This dynamic slowly erodes a women’s sense of worth and joy, leaving her to live in quiet fear and depression.

Setting boundaries is a crucial step when trying to change a relationship power imbalance. The practice of setting boundaries can actually return a sense of value and empowerment to the woman setting them.

What is a boundary: a boundary is a limit or expectation placed between two people. Neighbors have property lines. Business partners have shares. We operate under spoken and unspoken agreements all the time. Problems arise in relationships when the boundary lines are disrespected, unclear, or manipulated for the gain of power. The best way to understand healthy boundaries is simply having the ability to share an opinion, need or limit with the expectation of it being respected and accommodated for.

48063000 - blue shoes and pink shoes standing on asphalt concrete floor and white line between them

Step One: Without sharing anything with your partner yet, identify your needs, wants and limits. Explore them, legitimize them and journal them. What is it that you need, but are afraid to ask for? Give yourself permission to value your own needs, wants and limits. Be specific. What do you need financially, emotionally, physically, personally, spiritually? Do you need your partner to get help for his addiction, his anger, or his anxiety? Allow yourself the freedom to brainstorm about your own needs and wants.
Step Two: Research ways to meet your own needs and limits. Explore your options and resources. Put some effort, investment and time into honoring and meeting those needs and limits. Do you want your own gym membership? Your own bank account? More privacy? More space? Hired help for the house or kids? Marriage counseling? Weekly massage? Look into ways that you can get the support and self care you need. The more options you give yourself, the more power and freedom you will feel. Now wait-a-minute, wait-a-minute. I know what you’re thinking. “He’s just going to say “NO” to anything I need or ask for!” You might be exactly right. But right now, you are exploring your needs and limits, and what you believe to be reasonable. Resist the temptation to filter your needs through his approval.
Step Three: Get Support. It is advisable to invite a third party into the conversation. Whether pastor, friend or counselor, a third party can help you verbalize your needs, and help your partner hear with an open mind. You may feel unsafe or afraid to set a boundary without the accountability of someone your husband respects. If so, that is a good signal to invite extra reinforcements. Some women will skip this step because, “Talking about his anger problem with the pastor will only make him angrier. I’ll pay for it once we get home.” This may be very true. This can be a very scary situation that calls for a safety plan, especially if your partner has ever abused you or threatened to abuse you before. (Click here for helpful information to keep yourself safe.)

At this point in the steps, you still haven’t had to confront your partner yet. You are still in the Planning stages of discovery and support. There are four more steps to setting strong boundaries with an angry person, but Google and Bing like bite-sized blog posts, and so do millennials. (I see you, 20 somethings.) That’s why I’ve separated this post into two parts. These three steps are worth spending the extra time on, so I feel ok stopping at this point (sorry, not sorry.) It’s tempting to just skip to the part when you “Tell him the boundary already!” However, without doing the necessary leg work of these three important steps, your boundary could come out befuzzled, and go kerplunck as soon as it comes out. You know what I mean. You “kinda” set the boundary, “sorta” ask for what you need, and beat around the bush until you back-paddle and hide. Or you do the opposite and make demands, chasing them down with character assassination. No Bueno. Neither work, and neither is healthy adult functioning.

budapest-phone

Spend some time on these first three steps until your needs and wants seem boringly normal, not lofty and unattainable. Be so sure and so solid of your own value that no amount of anger could shake you loose from your inherent worth.

Words of Warning: People who have a pattern of anger, hostility and emotional or physically abusive behavior need psychotherapeutic, and sometimes legal intervention. Without it, nothing will change. And even if counseling is engaged, there is no guarantee that he will put the effort in to truly changing. The process of setting boundaries with an angry person is less about whether he changes or not, and more about giving yourself what you need. If the angry person gets more hostile as a result of your insistence for respect, then consider legal advice, a no-contact order and supportive intervention from a third party.

Posts Tagged: relationships

Strategy for Surviving Emotional Pain: Part II