Posts Tagged: relationships

How to Have That Difficult Conversation

Posted January 13th, 2017 | Michelle Hollomon

Are you avoiding a difficult conversation? Maybe you are afraid of an explosive reaction, or of being minimized or turned down. It is normal to have disagreements and hurt feelings in close relationships. Even the strongest relationships must address painful issues. Difficult subject matter like hurt feelings, broken promises, or dishonest dealings have the potential to ruin a relationship. But skillful communication can help a couple face the difficulty together.

friends-walking

Today, I want to give you a little gift of communication. I want you to have the SECRET WEAPON to trans-formative conflict resolution so that all your relationships, whether at home, work or school, benefit.

When you have to set a boundary, challenge a behavior, or get more information in the relationship, you may stress about how to do it with the least amount of discomfort to both parties. If you are in a strong and mutually respectful relationship, this tips and skills may be hard, but doable with practice.

  • The truth hurts. The honest truth, when presented with love and respect should hurt, but never harm. Like a flue shot that stings and leaves your arm sore for a day. The shot hurts, but is protecting you from something much more painful and giving you a gift of immunity.
  • Wait until you’re ready. Especially if you think the conversation could turn volatile. Take some time to think, journal, pray and research your topic. Pay attention to how you feel, and what you need.
  • Find a Good Place and Time. Think about the venue that would make you most comfortable and provide you the most support. Maybe you want to have it over coffee in a public café. Maybe you want to have it with a third party present, or in a private office away from others. Maybe you want to have it when the kids are at grandma’s house. The place and time doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be good enough.
  • Think about your own contribution. It’s good to take a look at your role in the situation and see how you contributed to the break down in communication or unhealthy dynamic. Be able to verbalize that in a way that honors both of you.

When you are ready to have your difficult conversation, the following formula is the gold standard.

When you say/do A___, I feel B___. I want you to do C instead.

For example, Jessica wants to tell Byron how hard it is for her to listen to him yell at the kids.

Example: Jessica can say, “Byron, I want to tell you that I’m sorry for not being as proactive as I could be with the kids. Sometimes I let them run too wild for too long, and then they get really crazy in the house. That’s my part, and I am working on being more proactive. I also have something I want to talk to you about. I feel frightened for the kids when you yell at them the way you do. I am scared that you are hurting their hearts with what you say. I am scared that your anger is doing real harm to them. I want you to talk to someone about your anger.”

couple in storm

In a strong relationship, Byron would respond, “Thanks for recognizing your responsibility and not laying into me. I am frustrated when I come home and the kids are acting like circus clowns. But I don’t have to yell at them the way I do. I actually feel really bad when I lose my temper with them. I see the way they look when I yell, and I don’t want to hurt them. Would you go to a parenting class with me, so we can get on the same page with the kids?”

This interaction may seem impossible in your situation. Maybe you can see your difficult conversation explode in your face. Maybe you feel like too many past hurtful words have put a wedge between you and your partner. However, if both parties are amenable to personal change and growth, thoughtful communication is a great first step toward healing.

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What if it doesn’t work?

These tips are designed to help couples avoid the pitfalls of defensiveness, sarcasm, and shifting blame during their difficult conversations. So, if after trying these tips and skills you find yourself wounded because the conversation turned hostile, you may need additional help. Relationships with a power imbalance or untreated anger or anxiety take a lot more intervention than “good communication” can do by itself. In fact, even the most expert communication cannot heal the wound of relationship abuse, or emotional sickness. Toxicity in relationships must be addressed with skilled therapeutic intervention.

Cracking the Secret Code of Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychological Manipulators: Part II

Posted November 3rd, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Whether you deal with them in business or relationships, narcissists, sociopaths and psychological manipulators can make life difficult if not down right scary. In the beginning, you may have hoped that your relationship could be successful, maybe even remarkable. But slowly as you got to know him, the shiny veneer wore off and you saw the darker side. The rules are simply mind over matter: as in “he doesn’t mind, and you don’t matter.”

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There are tell tale signs and predictable behaviors that can alert you to the psychologically manipulative personality. In fact, if you missed the Part I in the series, you can click here for a refresher of the top 10 tactics used to manipulate you.

But there are signs inside of yourself that can alert you to psychologically manipulative people too. Here are some practical ways to understand the unwritten rules to the narcissistic game.

Crack their Secret Code by Listening to Your Own Feelings

You may not know exactly what he is doing or why he is doing it, but you can know how you feel about it. It is impossible to know what is going on inside someone esles’ head or heart. It’s especially difficult to recognize motive if pscyhological manipulation is used to hide that motive.  Often times we can’t quite put our finger on it, but we know something is wrong. This article will help you identify your own feelings so you can better trust your red flags. Your feelings can tell you a lot about another person. Here are the emotions you may feel when encountering a narcissist, sociopath or psychological manipulator:

 

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  1. Exhilaration: First, you may feel excited about the opportunity you have as he sets his sites on you. You feel special, wanted, and you believe his promises. Like a drug, you may feel like you just can’t get enough of his high. At first.
  2. Confusion: Second, you feel confused because there’s things about him that don’t add up. His actions don’t match with his words. His body language doesn’t match with what he says. You want to believe what he has promised, but the way he talks, or the way he treats people makes you concerned about his true intentions. You reason with yourself and decide there is nothing to worry about- that his good traits outweigh his bad traits.
  3. Self doubt: Third, you feel guilty for doubting him, judging him or questioning him. You wonder if you are the one with the problem, not him.  You notice that you’re self esteem is down, and you don’t feel good about yourself as you once did. You start to second guess yourself, not knowing who or what to trust.
  4. Whirl Wind of Emotions: Next, you start to feel crazy. You try to please him, but he seems so unpredictable. You try to do what he wants, but something always upsets him. You never know what you’re going to get with him. Elation turns to fear, and you try hard to use reason to figure out how to make this thing work.
  5. Disappointment: You start to realize that the promises are not going to come true, that you are being taken advantage of, and things aren’t going to get better. You start to feel a sense of dread. Feeling helpless to change him, you fear being trapped in this relationship indefinitely.
  6. Regret: Finally, you feel such a sense of regret over trusting him, you start to blame yourself. You wonder if his mistreatment was really your fault. You say things to yourself like, “I should have known better,” and “What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?” You may not see a way out, and the guilt feelings seem to overwhelm you.

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Sometimes the sociopathic static is so loud, recognizing how you really feel is difficult.  Spending some time evaluating how you feel and why will give you important information. When dealing with a narcissist, sociopath or psychological manipulator, your emotions may seem out of control. Finding someone to help you sort through them is a good first step. When you have the freedom to share openly and honestly about your true feelings, your load won’t seem so heavy. A professional counselor can help you put a plan together to fit your unique relationship circumstances.

If you believe you are dealing with a narcissist, sociopath or psychological manipulator, take steps to give yourself some needed distance and perspective. Disengaging from this personality type will seem uncomfortable and even scary, but necessary for your health and wholeness.

 

How to Feel Closer: Part II

Posted August 22nd, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Last week, we talked about feeling far away and cut off from the people you love. We talked about losing out on truly knowing your partner, and he/she truly knowing  you. We talked about how most people fear intimacy and unconsciously build a wall against it because intimacy makes us feel vulnerable and exposed.

Well, today we will explore the three things LOSERS (those who LOSE OUT on truly knowing each other) must do to become LOVERS instead.

Couples who find themselves Losing Out on each other are in the PRIME POSITION for their next INTIMACY BREAKTHROUGH. Instead of thinking of your relationship as irreparably broken, think of it as a PERFECT OPPORTUNITY to GROW into something better than you imagined.

Why? Because I see Intimacy Breakthroughs every day. They happen. And You can Make them happen in your relationships too.

Here are three things that will help you get the INTIMACY that you miss with your partner.

1. Have “THE” Conversation. A lot of times, we neglect having the really important conversations with each other because we are afraid they will turn out badly. We think that bringing up difficult material or painful feelings will push the other person further away. However, if you are thoughtful and skilled with HOW you talk with your partner, you will be surprised at how well THE conversation can go.

Choose a time when neither is upset or tired. Use the ABC method of asking for what you need. Don’t use the words, “You need to,” or “You always/never,” or “You shouldn’t.” Instead, use words like, “I feel,” or “I want,” or “I need.” Remind yourself and your partner of your relationship strengths, his/her positive attributes, and why you loved him/her in the first place. Show empathy and teach your partner how to show empathy toward you. If you try these steps and they don’t go well, then invite a third party to help facilitate the conversation. The best and the brightest people I know ask for help when they need it.

2. Breaking Down Walls: Sometimes years of bitterness have built up because of past unresolved hurts. It is important to approach your partner with a commitment to own your contribution to the past problems. Take responsibility for lacking sensitivity, discouraging words or being overly avoidant/reactive. You may believe that your partner has more blame than you do. You might even be right. However, being right is not the goal- being close is. Make the first step toward closeness by apologizing for your part in the relationship coldness.

I know apologizing is hard to do, especially when you feel like the other person is more to blame. But saying you’re sorry can be the first step in breaking down defenses and warming up to each other again. It’s ok if you are the person to make the first step TOWARD your partner.  Let God help you.

3. Getting back some US time. Before the flames of intimacy heat up, you’ll need to practice alone time together. Making a habit of spending quality time together may not come easy. Pressures and life’s responsibilities can crowd out needed couples time. Do what it takes to carve this time out weekly or every other week. 

When Sweet and Sassy were young, Mr. Dashing and I would put them to bed early on Wednesdays, and have in-house date night. The hit series, LOST came on at 8, and we usually built a fire, poured some wine and toasted to “Alone Time.” It wasn’t a big thing, but it was OUR thing. Now that our kids are older, we try to get away on Saturday mornings while they sleep in. We don’t tell them that we go to their favorite diner for breakfast… without them. Shoot, they are still asleep by the time we get back!

From You Version Bible App. So cool- download- you'll love these pics.

From You Version Bible App. So cool- download- you’ll love these pics.

Whether it’s your spouse or friend or son, chose a relationship to start working on. Carve out a little one on one time where you can reconnect and make one another feel special.

You are important. Your relationships are important, too. You are worth the extra time and effort it takes to strengthen your relationship muscles. Let me know how it goes!

How To Feel Closer Part I

Posted August 10th, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Good morning Moms, Dads, Girlfriends and Lumber Jacks (that’s for all my hairy-faced friends.) Have you ever felt closed off from someone you love? Have you felt lonely in your marriage? I think one of the hardest places to be in life, is living in a house with someone you don’t feel close to. Don’t you agree?

Marriage can sometimes feel more like two roommates coming and going than two people in love. Or maybe marriage feels like co-parenting, where raising the kids is the only thing really keeping you together. 

Why do I feel locked out?

Where did the closeness go?

What about the friendship and romance and cute little gifts and loving words?

It seems like all  that’s left are the responsibilities.

You and your partner more than likely respect and value each other a great deal. You have been through a lot together, and don’t want to give up on the good that you have. But the feelings of loneliness, depression and boredom are hard to fight off. You’re afraid that any topic of significance might land you in a fight. Or that you’ll strike up a conversation, and you’ll get a one-word response. Or that a date night meant to bring you together will end up making you feel even further apart.

You are what I call… Losers. Don’t get offended just yet! Let me explain. Being a loser has nothing to do with how much time you sit on the couch, or how many bags of potato chips you consume or how many hours of Netflix you can binge in one setting. 

NO! Being a Loser just means that you are losing out on truly KNOWING one another. You are losing out on the INNER life of the other person because busy-ness, child-raising, job stressors, and pressures get in the way. You lose out on sharing deep, meaningful experiences together because life’s demands keep you distant and headed in separate directions. Relationship Losers lose out on each other. 

Relationship Losers feel like an invisible wall separates them from their partner and neither can see into one another’s heart. They are afraid to be vulnerable with each other. They are afraid to tell the other what they really feel or really want. They are afraid that if they really share their deepest selves, they will feel weak or be rejected.

If these things describe how you feel currently in your marriage, don’t worry. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to feel this way forever.

Many marriage go through times like this. It doesn’t mean that there are major issues, or that the marriage is broken, or that the coldness can’t be warmed up.

It DOES mean that the marriage needs some time and attention. Couples who find themselves Losing Out on each other are in the PRIME POSITION for their next INTIMACY BREAKTHROUGH. These couples long to not only get back the closeness they used to have, but they want something even deeper. They just don’t know how to get it.

Next week, I’m going to talk about three simple ways to rekindle some intimacy through:

1. Having “THE” Conversation

2. Breaking Down Walls, and

3. Getting back some US time.

For now, spend some time looking inward about the fears you may have about getting closer. Usually people fear one of two things in relationships: 1) Being Abandoned, or 2) Being Controlled. Explore the fears you have regarding getting closer to your partner. Maybe you wonder if he’s capable of loving you the way you need. Maybe you’re afraid of disappointing your partner. Maybe you’re afraid of exposing your vulnerabilities because of potential judgment. Whatever your fears may be, they are difficult to admit, but common to all of us.

Next week, we will look at practical steps to help turn your Loser relationship into a Lover relationship.

 

 

Is it Time to Move On?

Posted July 27th, 2016 | Michelle Hollomon

Is it just me? Am I just being sensitive? Am I invisible, or what?

You may find yourself in relationships or environments where your value is not appreciated or recognized. You may not see it at first- in fact, maybe you’re the last to know. But from time to time in life, you may experience the SHUT OUT.

The SHUT OUT happens in social circles, faculty, sports teams and offices, and sometimes even families.  The SHUT OUT is when they (I’ll use they collectively) don’t see you as the valuable person that you know yourself to be.

Maybe you think to yourself, “Why wasn’t I invited to that?” or “Why wasn’t my name considered for that role?” or “Why doesn’t he look at me the way he looks at her?” Maybe you don’t have that pedigree, or that status, or that history, or that education, or that Gucci. Whatever IT is, you’re feeling under-valued and maybe even used. You feel like the Pecking Order has been set, and you’re on the bottom. Unbeknownst to you, the people above you in the pecking order have too much invested in their position to ever let you up.

You wonder, “How did I get here?” And even more depressing, you may wonder, “How did I get here, AGAIN?”

Sometimes, we unconsciously put ourselves in relationships and situations that replicate traumas of the past. We keep trying to get THEM to love us, accept us, or see our worth. But THEY will never do that. No matter how hard we work, or how much we share, or now often we reach out, THEY are incapable of valuing us the way we need. We’re barking up the wrong tree. We are drawing water from a waterless well. We are throwing our pearls among swine.

Did you know that there are relationships, offices, social circles and groups that DON’T do the Pecking Order Thing? It’s true! There are places and teams and relationships and partners that don’t do the SHUT OUT. There are people out there striving to operate in God’s light of love. People who want to value you for you. People who don’t want to step on you to get ahead. There are people out there who will pick you first for the team, not last. Yay for that!!

If you find yourself SHUT OUT and don’t know what to do… consider these steps.

Don’t Just Walk Away: you have something to learn from your SHUT OUT. Since you don’t want to visit this nasty place again, glean all that you can from this experience. Most importantly, learn as much as you can about YOURSELF. Ask yourself some questions- what did I do to set myself up for this? How was I attracted to this in the first place? What signs did I miss that were warning me in the beginning? How have I contributed to this problem? Did I send messages about my own self-doubt?

BIGGIE to ask yourself: In what ways am I NOT VALUING MYSELF, and how am I giving off the vibe that it’s OK for other people not to value me either? If you learn these things, you won’t leave one SHUT OUT to hop right back into another.

Determine when Enough is Enough– I wish I had the secret recipe for READINESS. Everyone is ready at different times to move out of unhealthy and into healthy. I look at my own life, and I see how God patiently teaches me the same lesson over and over until I’m a friggin expert. I’m like the karate kid, wax on wax off. Sooner or later, I become a badass at it. And once I’m competent, I’M READY and I don’t ever have to repeat that lesson again. Whew!

Watch the Magic: When you get to your READY stage, when enough is enough, and you’re ready to value yourself, watch God work. The fire is burning, the passion is alive, and for the first time in a long time, you are ready to go after something better. This is where God will be most apparent in your life. You will see provision after provision. You know why? Because God loves it when you embrace the VALUE in your own life.

Forgive it, baby: I know when God’s magic is happening in someone’s life when they are motivated with love, not anger. They are not blaming THEM, or angry at THEM or giving THEM the proverbial bird. They are motivated by love for themselves. They forgive and pray for the best for them. But, be open to the opportunity to SPEAK UP- you may have some work to do to say what you need to say, before your work is done.

If you’re in a circle, office or relationship that does not appreciate your value, take heart. It happens to all of us. You may feel like the only one, but you’re not. Follow these steps to get yourself moving again. You can do it!

My “Relationship Savvy” blog gives you tips, advice, and flippin’ fantastic feel-goods to help with your most difficult relationship challenges.

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